Congrats @Miss Sagi! Wish you a speedy recovery and they get the feed from you soon.
Miss Sagi (20-09-2015)
How are you travelling Bbhope?
Oh my gosh congrats @MissSagi !! Such wonderful news, your time has finally come. Enjoy every minute. Xxx
Ps my milk took much longer to come in than everyone said... But don't worry, it will. Those 2 drops are like liquid gold to your babies. You can also ask for an electric pump to try and get things moving.
I haven't posted in this thread yet, have come over from the Zlin, CZ donor egg board. Failed cycle of course. Now I'm here. I really need something......something to raise my hopes, or give me hope, or.......maybe I just need a marguerita or ten. Actually, that last bit seems to be the most promising. I can't get pregnant for love (love was factored out of the equation a loooooong time ago, in favour of science) or money (of which I no longer have any, BECAUSE of science.....failed science, but science) but at least I know I CAN achieve inebriation. THAT I can do.
First, congratulations to Miss Sagi! Looks like you had a long road to motherhood! Hope you and your bubbies get to go home soon.
Have been reading all the old threads on NKCs and such to try to educate myself (in a general way, because I don't yet know what's wrong with me) and catch up.......hooly-dooly, what a mindf***. I got as far as through the second one......but now I'm more confused, discouraged and hopeless feeling than ever before. I am starting to question if there is any real hope in all this, or if I am just grasping at more straws. After 12 years of chasing motherhood, my hands are getting tired of holding on.
I don't feel I can survive one more failure......and I don't mean that in a metaphorical sense......I mean that in the most literal of terms. I am struggling to find the will to live now. I really do feel like a childless life is not worth living, and no matter how many people tell me it is, I simply do not believe it. Maybe it is for them or people they know, but to for me.
However, I don't think I'm going to get a choice in the matter.
Donor eggs was supposed to be our Hail Mary. It failed. And now......this sh**. I haven't felt this kind of broken before. I have felt really bad before after a fail, but always managed to pick myself up and moved on......because there was still hope. Honestly? I really don't feel there is any hope now. Not anymore. Not with this. It's too idiopathic and random and there is no set protocol, just a bunch of blind trial and effort, with no stats to even fall on to try to bolster your confidence in it. It appears to be a lot like being a blind person, in a dark room searching for a black cat that may or may not even be there. I really do think this is all going to be one great, big, fat, wild goose chase.......just like everything else has been. It's going to line the pockets of some more ethically corrupt, uncaring medical professionals and leave me even more broke ($$), and more broken as a wife, woman and person in general......if either is even possible.
I just want to give up......but I am scared to make that call. However, I'm scared to try again too......because I'm scared of another failure. It's a real double edged sword. I want to but I can't because if I do I'll wish I hadn't?
Anyway, I've gone and done the godda** bloods, and I've got the hysteroscopy, D&C and NKC investigation scheduled (16 Oct). My husband did his bloods today for the karyotyping. (You know, all that sh** that SHOULD be done before they ever let you do the first round of IVF.....). My FS is with Monash IVF, but I'm seeing him now as a private patient, because I'm cycling with donor eggs overseas. He is not an immunologist and only has a recently acquired "interest" in immunology issues (and something tells me he's been TOLD he has an interest in it......not because he really does.....). No idea what made him go from a non-believer of NKCs to a believer in less than a year but there you go. I was going to just keep Dr M in Sydney in my back pocket, but the more I think about how my FS has strung me along and basically robbed me of my chances to have my own, true child (and then ignored my suggestions about all this that I'm here for now, which led to me killing two donor egg embryos too), that I'm definitely going to send my test results to Dr M and have that phone consult......and my husband will just have to work harder to pay for it. After all, he himself didn't help things by insisting we "wait just a little bit longer......".
(Honestly if either my husband or FS were here, right now, I think I'd kill both of them and not even think twice. Right now? I HATE men in general, all of them. Everything wrong with this whole damn planet is the doing of a man.......)
(sorry, rant over)
I have been advised to just not bother telling my FS about my dealings with Dr M, as he doesn't need to know......but I'm wondering how I go about that? I assume that Dr M can suggest a treatment protocol, but can't prescribe me any of the drugs or treatments he thinks would work? So wouldn't I need someone here (Melbourne) to write up the scripts and help me organise the treatments, ie intralipid administrations? My FS obviously is willing to do it, but I think he will want to suggest his own levels and doses, which I'm gathering will be fairly conservative compared to Dr Ms. I'm not fu**ing about any more. I want the whole hog approach or nothing at all. I am not at all willing to try to change FSs. It's just too hard. It's too hard and too time consuming and I simply do not have the patience nor the emotional fortitude right now that would be needed to facilitate such a thing. I'm pretty vulnerable right now, and if nothing else my FS knows what I've been through. I'm hoping if he wants to tread softly, I can have a little meltdown (I probably won't be able to avoid it, actually) to push him on it, but you never know. Like I said......I'm not very strong right now......I just want a baby and I want it 10 years ago, godd*** it to hell......)
See, this is why I just want to give up! It's just too hard, it's too emotionally exhausting, it's making me crazy(er) and I just......I've been doing this for far too long now......and I'm just tired.......of trying and failing, trying and failing, trying and.......
God help me, I want to quit.
But I can't.
Wheres the the marguerita mix?
Last edited by tigerlilly9772; 21-09-2015 at 17:24.
I could not read and run..
It really sounds like you are at your wits end. I think Dr M will have a few tricks to get any issues under control.
I also wasted 2 years with another FS at Monash he was so busy trying to save me money, it has cost me $$$$$$$ GRRRRRRR
I am interested in who your FS who has a sudden interest in immune issues, as my friend has just told me of a new FS who is now on board.
PM me if you want
Hi tigerlilly. I really hope that you can find the answers you need from the testing to at least know you've given everything you could to find a solution. It's so awful just not understanding why and feeling like you are being manipulated and strung along by all theses doctors that all think they know best. I was so torn up by your post thinking I feel like I'm headed in the same direction with no time to lose either. I called dr nick at Monash and he has no appointments until end of Nov but apparently he is the best with immune issues in Melbourne. I'm moving from low cost to Melb Ivf and will try to do a stim and see dr nick on the side. Might be worth transferring to dr nick if you are already with Monash?
Tigerlilly......... Where to start ???? You have had a tough time.
First, you need a break. Get away, stop thinking about IVF and Babies and $$$. I know that sounds counter productive but ...know anyone with a holiday house/weekender you can borrow for a few days ? Pick up a Scoupn voucher and get away for a few days. Think of the small $$$spent as an investment not a waste of $$$. You really sound like you need to hit pause for a minute so you can start to deal with the IVF/stuff constructively because that is the only way you are going to get success.
Secondly - Apart from lining the pocket of Dan Murphy's what are you doing for you ? Make sure you are doing yoga, or daily walks or have/start a hobby that is constructive and takes your mind away briefly every day from the trials and tribulations of TTC.
Thirdly - During my journey, I was told by a number of specialists etc that you have to give each 'plan' 3 attempts and I know that my success came on the 3rd DE attempt. Don't put all your eggs in the first basket (yes pun intended...)
Fourthly - While there is no magic formula for making this work, Dr M, Dr Nick & Dr Waz are pretty savvy about what they are doing. Refer back to Point 3 - they may have to adjust a protocol for a cycle or 2 but they have pretty good results. Get a copy of Dr Beers book http://www.babyfriendlybook.com/ as it is good at explaining all the different issues and will give you a feeling of control back as you will understand the issues, not be frightened of them.
Fifth - What makes you think Dr M won't give you scripts ? Re his protocol, he will do scripts, tests etc and will work with your FS if you want, do it completely independently of your FS or you can be like me and not use an Aussie FS at all just Dr M and the overseas clinic.
Lastly, I really feel for you and welcome to this thread. Take a few deep breaths, find a counsellor to talk to and breathe out - there are good things ahead if you can start to see that the light you see in the tunnel are actually the end of it, not the train coming at you.
Pregnant for the first-time?
Not sure where to start? We can help!