This post is so heartbreaking to read. You sound so fed up and scared and sad.
Like others I feel so helpless when I read posts like this. Don't get me wrong - I'm so glad you let yourself feel all these things, and that you feel safe to do so here with complete raw, and brutal honesty. I just wish I could do something - anything - to help you.
All I can say is while none of us can physically make your situation better, we are all here to help you carry that weight any time, and every time, you need it.
Thank you for reminding everyone that, at the end of the day, if we have our health we are bl00dy lucky. I wish so many good things for you, dear, and I'm sending you every positive thought that I can. But, if you don't feel Iike being positive right now, then that's ok too. The light of your dignity and grace and hope shines far x