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  1. #1
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    Default Unwanted House Guest

    I just wanted some advice/thoughts on how to deal with an issue that is about to come up and tips on learning some tolerance!

    My family live overseas and my dad and his partner arrive in a few weeks to visit us for 3 weeks.

    My dad and I have always had quite a good relationship however his partner and I do not get along. There are no arguments, we just don't particularly like each other. Over the last few years the partner has developed a problem with alcohol addiction (could have been going on for longer but I have only be aware of the issue for around 4 years or so). My dad justified things to a certain extent as in his words she is a "functioning alcoholic". Now, I know addiction is an illness but her decline and subsequently his is something I really struggle with. Over the last few years she has lost her drivers license for crashing in to a parked car whilst drunk, lost her job and generally stopped caring about her appearance, her skin is dry and flaking and fingernails are black. She always looks unkempt. With the help of my dad she has got a voluntary job in a charity shop working for free for a few hours each morning, to which my dad drives her to and picks her up from and in his words it "keeps her off the streets". She has no friends and they don't socialise with other people. My dad fortunately does have his own circle of friends through his hobbies so he does spend a bit of time with them. There house is an absolute mess to the point where it upset me so much the last time I visited that I haven't been to visit his home for around 4 years when I go overseas to visit my family, we meet at my grandmothers. It's like he got fed up being the one to keep the place neat and tidy and cleaning up after her that he has just given up too. Whenever I visit home he gives me money to go and get him some new clothes as she is incapable of doing this for him. He has his own business and since he is supporting her doesn't have much free time. I just feel sad about the whole situation and perhaps throughout my life have put him on a bit of a pedestal and can't bare to see him living like this and being dragged down by her.

    I am really not sure what the point in this rant is, perhaps I just need to not think about it after all he is an adult so let him get on with it. But they are coming to stay soon and with her personal hygiene and the way she is I just can't stand the thought of her touching my 12 month old DS!!

    So, how can I be more tolerant? I want them to have a nice visit but I am dreading it already. I can barely look at her. She adds nothing to any conversation and it's just awkward. I also worry about her drinking secretly in our house. What if she gets drunk and we are unaware (she is good at hiding it) and somehow endangers my DS?

    Perhaps I am overthinking things....

  2. #2
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    Your father obviously knows that she drinks. I would ask that if they are to stay with you the rule is no alcohol for the duration of their stay. Your house, your rules.

    I would feel much the same I think..

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    I think you need to get over it. It's your dads partner and I'm sure you love him dearly. But I would tell him that he is responsible for his partners behaviour.

    If you are truly worried about your son then just don't leave him with her if you aren't home.

    Do you trust your dad with your son?

    wifey of hubby who is always away. mother of two girls who are always amusing.

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    Its a hard situation.

    personally, if you Dad is aware of her drinking and habits, and does nothing - I wouldnt mention it or bring it up with him. He is an adult, and he can deal with it.

    you can avoid her (as much as possible while she is a guest) and just smile and be nice for a little while for the visit.

    As far as drinking in your home, I wouldnt worry too much. You are there, supervising and watching. As long as you are not leaving your DS with her, as long as she isnt driving him anywhere or left with him then I dont see too much of an issue.

    People have been drunk around children before, and not endangered them. As long as you are not drunk, or she isnt drunk when left with him.

    I wouldnt be keen on her hiding stuff - but as long as she keeps her alcohol in her room or doesnt hide it but keeps it where your DS cannot access it then no issues.


  5. The Following User Says Thank You to BH-KatiesMum For This Useful Post:

    Rose&Aurelia&Hannah  (29-05-2015)

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    I think if you are uncomfortable with her drinking in your house then you need to let them both know and set boundaries and consequences.

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    Thanks everyone.

    I do trust my dad but won't leave my DS with him if she is there. The last time she saw my DS he was 13 weeks old. My dad handed him to her without asking me and I honestly thought she was going to drop him. I have seen a 10 year old child handle a baby better. If I hadn't have been so worried about her dropping DS it would have been quite comical. I am not sure if she had been drinking that day or not....

    Most of her drinking is done in secret so I think it is time to put away my expensive wine bottles for the duration of her stay. She will drink socially in front of people if offered (at twice the rate of everyone else) so I will just make a point of not having any drinks whilst they are staying, that way I won't be making it easy for her.

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    If she is as bad as you say, she will find a way to drink. She's an alcoholic and is unwell. I completely get why you are so nervous. TBH I'd probably arrange for them to stay nearby and be perfectly honest about it.

    Your poor dad.

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    She's an alcoholic. Your dads accepting of it and your not (which is completely fine).

    My parents are functioning alcoholics you see. They still went to work etc. I trust them with my kids.

    If you don't like them and feel uneasy don't have them stay with you. It might change the cycle

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    If it were me I would talk to my dad and explain how I felt. I would ask them to stay in a hotel because functioning or not an alcoholic is just that, an alcoholic. Not something I want my children around.


 

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