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  1. #31
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    Children has a unique way of testing and changing you as a person sometimes it brings you closer sometimes further apart. Ex-h and I were closer after #1 and much much further apart after #2. Her birth was traumatic and with no support I lost myself, went back to work early and chose to ignore life. I got help, left the relationship and moved on. Now being in a new relationship I can see a million red flags in hindsight that our marriage was always doomed regardless of if we had, had children or not. There was no balance or equality. I was the head of the household and decision maker, I kept us together so when I couldn't cope and he didn't step up there was nothing left of the relationship.

    Now with my new man. I was sick this morning and he told me to get back in bed and he would take the kids to daycare ❤️❤️❤️

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  3. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by Acadaca View Post
    Seriously?! I'm bewildered as to how you don't see that marriages would be strained. Especially with 3 boys. I can only think you must have had an easy run.

    Exhaustion, financial pressure, too tired for sex vs always wants sex, sick children, hospital visits, uneven work loads, resentment etc. the list goes on. I know for us the fact we don't sleep and haven't slept through the night in 3 years while working makes us both grumpy and resentful at times. We are both committed, strong people who were raised to not give up (plus we love each other). I can see how people who may be mental illness or other stresses to deal with on top of the ordinary would be pushed over the edge. I know we've been standing on the edge a time or two...it would have been easier to jump sometimes.
    Oh I can see how they can be strained at times but just not to the extent some seem to be. I guess it depends on how the 2 of you are together to begin with in regards to how it will flow once kids arrive. Our boys haven't been such hard work. Perhaps if they were closer together it would be a different story but there is a 3 year gap between all 3. Dh and I have certainly had our fair share of ups and downs financially and otherwise but the people we are means we have sort threw issues rather than find it all too hard and walk away. What we have endured together has made us stronger because of our love for each other, if we didn't have that it would have been over many years ago.

    And just for the record while dh and I were together for 12 years pre kids that isn't to say everyone should be 😁 A good years yes, not neccessarily 12!

  4. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by Blessedwith3boys View Post
    High five:
    22 years together with dh and we haven't been happier.

    I'm a bit bewildered tbh in regards to how having kids can throw a spanner in the works of a relationship to the extent that parents drift apart then separate.
    Perhaps the key is spending years with your partner and getting to know them properly before bringing children into the relationship then still making the effort and having time for your dh when kids do come along, keep the spark in your relationship and communicate. Share the raising and decisions regarding your children 50 50.
    Not sure really but must help surely!
    I haven't read all the replies, but this all seems very fairytale and a bit unrealistic for some of us.

    My DH and I were together for 6 years before we got married, then married for 1 before DS 1 was born, ds1 is now 4.

    It's not been possible for us to 'make time' for each other as much as we could, and keeping the spark alive, well that hasn't happened either, with the exhaustion, PND, etc.

    Unfortunately for us, EVERYTHING changed when our ds1 was born. DH was very hands on, he got up during the night to DS, he cooked, he worked full time, he was supportive of me, he tried to help with my PND etc, and then when DS2 came, we moved to a house and had a bigger mortgage, and he got lazy with a lot of stuff, his controlling personality showed it's ugly head and he's become stressed, verbally abusive etc. things have changed massively due to having kids.

    The extra financial strain, the lack of support for things like babysitting for us to have some quality time together, resentment towards each other, more severe PND where I was completely unsupported by him... The list goes on.

    I think we barely like each other.

    The fact we are still together is either a ****en miracle, or it's a huge mistake, I am still trying to figure out which.

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  6. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by SAgirl View Post
    I haven't read all the replies, but this all seems very fairytale and a bit unrealistic for some of us.

    My DH and I were together for 6 years before we got married, then married for 1 before DS 1 was born, ds1 is now 4.

    It's not been possible for us to 'make time' for each other as much as we could, and keeping the spark alive, well that hasn't happened either, with the exhaustion, PND, etc.

    Unfortunately for us, EVERYTHING changed when our ds1 was born. DH was very hands on, he got up during the night to DS, he cooked, he worked full time, he was supportive of me, he tried to help with my PND etc, and then when DS2 came, we moved to a house and had a bigger mortgage, and he got lazy with a lot of stuff, his controlling personality showed it's ugly head and he's become stressed, verbally abusive etc. things have changed massively due to having kids.

    The extra financial strain, the lack of support for things like babysitting for us to have some quality time together, resentment towards each other, more severe PND where I was completely unsupported by him... The list goes on.

    I think we barely like each other.

    The fact we are still together is either a ****en miracle, or it's a huge mistake, I am still trying to figure out which.
    I can relate. Things are getting better now but dd1 dp was so hands on made dinners, helped at home etc, things have gone downhill since we had ds and since bub nearly a year ago been very rocky. Bigger house has been much wanted but bitter sweet as so much to do and somehow most of that falls on me as I'm not "working". And pnd (mine not diagnosed but now I'm pretty sure that's what it was) just made things so much worse as I felt totally unsupported and miserable and couldn't think straight and became a little mouse who would burst into tears but couldn't express herself and that fed into dps controlling manner. Some days I just know that if I'm strong then we are ok, but when I am weak I will be stomped on. Not literally never been abusive just lacking in empathy or support. And then we have a few weeks where we are both being nice to each other and I remember why we got together and the idea of breaking up our family seems unthinkable

  7. #35
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    Dh and I were together for 9 years when ds was born we had had our ups and downs prior and our relationship was stronger than ever.

    Our ds is now almost 15 months old and we've a couple of issues in the last couple of months, most have been due to financial struggles and disagreements on cc options for ds so I can go back to work. I think if we didn't have the foundation we had prior to ds' birth we would have seperated already.

    Sent from my GT-I9507 using The Bub Hub mobile app

  8. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by Freyamum View Post
    I can relate. Things are getting better now but dd1 dp was so hands on made dinners, helped at home etc, things have gone downhill since we had ds and since bub nearly a year ago been very rocky. Bigger house has been much wanted but bitter sweet as so much to do and somehow most of that falls on me as I'm not "working". And pnd (mine not diagnosed but now I'm pretty sure that's what it was) just made things so much worse as I felt totally unsupported and miserable and couldn't think straight and became a little mouse who would burst into tears but couldn't express herself and that fed into dps controlling manner. Some days I just know that if I'm strong then we are ok, but when I am weak I will be stomped on. Not literally never been abusive just lacking in empathy or support. And then we have a few weeks where we are both being nice to each other and I remember why we got together and the idea of breaking up our family seems unthinkable
    That sounds soo similar to our situation hugs xx

  9. #37
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    on the 16th of November this year, My hubby and I will have been together for 9 years, 8 years since the day we got engaged, and 7 years since the day we got married (yes all the same anniversary day ). Our eldest will turn 6 one month later, and our 4th will be due at the same time

    I can't even say we've had ups and down to be honest. There's been times, when I've seen other peoples extremely loved up relationships, and I've thought hmm.. we don't really have that. He doesn't give me butterflies, I don't want to jump him when he gets home from work... but you know what? He's my best mate. We are an amazing family. We don't stress about life, we don't struggle with the kids, we both make sure the other gets time to do the things they need to do for themselves. We don't agree on everything, but our disagreements are so very minor, we never yell at each other. My son said to me the other day out of the blue "You and Daddy never fight", and I smiled happily and said "You're right honey, we really don't!". It was so random and so nice to realise that it's something he has noticed other people do and we don't.

    Anyone who has had much to do with me as a poster on this forum will know I have terrible self esteem issues and very very rarely speak nicely of myself, but i can tell you now, I am very very proud of our family. We are awesome. High Five to all those who still like each other after kiddos

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