+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 11
  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Posts
    66
    Thanks
    19
    Thanked
    25
    Reviews
    0

    Default Messy Seperation

    After some advice guidance.

    I left an abusive relationship (marriage) well over a year ago. We split amicably as he admitted he needed help and after years of trying to work through things I couldn't do it any more. I moved out and we agreed on 50/50 care. We have two children (almost 4yo and just 2yo).

    In Feb he was arrested, I can't go into much detail as it's still with the courts but he wasn't allowed contact with myself or the children for three months. I had to sign consent for him to see them again. Since being able to see them he has been pushing for more and more time with them. I let him see them pretty much whenever he wants at the expense of myself (He constantly touches me, won't leave when I ask him to and tells the kids things like that I am ruining our family etc). He pushes so much that I give in and let him take them.

    (Little bit of background- Our eldest was stuttering prior to him being arrested and stopped for the duration they had no contact and has started again).

    My children 'prefer' him. Are always asking for daddy and demanding to go to daddys house. It breaks my heart and makes me feel like the worst mother. I am always respectful to my ex and try to accommodate him but I don't know how much more I can take.

    Things got a lot worse when I started dating nearly a year ago (still together). We are taking things slow, don't flaunt the relationship etc but It really made my ex into a vile person who feels like he owns me.

    I am weak when it comes to him and in many ways appreciated his bail conditions because it meant he couldn't just show up (Its a common occurrence for him to show up even at lunch time even when the kids aren't here and have an excuse to come in my house). I have booked appointments with DFVPS but always chicken out because he rarely violent.

    This is never where I imagined myself being

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Sydney South
    Posts
    1,923
    Thanks
    1,233
    Thanked
    854
    Reviews
    10
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Oh Hun I couldn't read and run. I'm sorry I don't have any experience to share but I wanted to offer you some cyber hugs...

    It sounds like you need some boundaries with your ex DH and custody. He is still emotionally abusing you and testing his control.

    In regards to your children 'preferring' their dad... I have 2 kids similar to your children's age and my son especially has these moments where he prefers one parent over another... Like if he falls he will say 'go away mummy I want my daddy' it also makes me feel awful but an hour later he says the same thing except wanting me... It's just an age thing not that you are doing anything wrong...

  3. #3
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Posts
    66
    Thanks
    19
    Thanked
    25
    Reviews
    0
    Thanks love, I think I liked the bail conditions for the enforced boundaries. It meant I didn't have to fight. I am weak when it comes to the kids. Sometimes he is right, he should get to see his kids when he wants but most of the time there is an ulterior motive.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Apr 2014
    Posts
    265
    Thanks
    38
    Thanked
    126
    Reviews
    0

    Default Messy Seperation

    I hope this doesn't come out the wrong way because it is said with good intentions. You NEED to report your ex husband to the police. He isn't a good role model for those kids whether he appears to be a 'good' Dad or not - and I'm sorry but raping their mother, rocking up unannounced and generally causing you anxiety & stress is just as bad for the kids as it is for you. At the end of the day, when you put your foot down because of the way he is treating you, that is on him, not you. You are not to blame for his behaviour.

    ETA - My DD loves her father, but she calls him by his first name and he is more of a friend to her. She doesn't like coming home because she only sees him fortnightly and he therefore doesn't have to discipline her and has all the energy in the world to devote to her for that afternoon - it's super fun for her! I wouldn't read too much into it hun.
    Last edited by ChelleBH; 28-05-2015 at 11:06.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    582
    Thanks
    117
    Thanked
    335
    Reviews
    7
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts

    Default Messy Seperation

    Quote Originally Posted by ChelleBH View Post
    and I'm sorry but raping their mother,
    What? Where is this coming from?

  6. #6
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Posts
    66
    Thanks
    19
    Thanked
    25
    Reviews
    0
    Quote Originally Posted by ChelleBH View Post
    I hope this doesn't come out the wrong way because it is said with good intentions. You NEED to report your ex husband to the police. He isn't a good role model for those kids whether he appears to be a 'good' Dad or not - and I'm sorry but raping their mother, rocking up unannounced and generally causing you anxiety & stress is just as bad for the kids as it is for you. At the end of the day, when you put your foot down because of the way he is treating you, that is on him, not you. You are not to blame for his behaviour.

    ETA - My DD loves her father, but she calls him by his first name and he is more of a friend to her. She doesn't like coming home because she only sees him fortnightly and he therefore doesn't have to discipline her and has all the energy in the world to devote to her for that afternoon - it's super fun for her! I wouldn't read too much into it hun.
    I've just spent 2 1/2 hours with a domestic violence lady and have a lot of clarity. While there he tried calling 8 times (when he would typically show up at my house). After I left he called I answered and I said I'm done. We will do pick up and drop off outside the police station and it will only be every second weekend. Child protection is getting involved now also (dv and CPU have organized that). I am hoping this enough for him to stop this behavior and for us to move forward. And he has finally agreed to co-operating with the divorce (before he said he would fight it because we have had "sex" despite it being forced) so hopefully that will go smoothly and I can move on.

  7. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to anonomum For This Useful Post:

    BH-KatiesMum  (28-05-2015),VicPark  (28-05-2015)

  8. #7
    Join Date
    Mar 2014
    Posts
    1,688
    Thanks
    3,507
    Thanked
    976
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by TreeGirl View Post
    What? Where is this coming from?
    Non consentual sex is rape

  9. #8
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Posts
    66
    Thanks
    19
    Thanked
    25
    Reviews
    0
    Quote Originally Posted by TreeGirl View Post
    What? Where is this coming from?
    In another post I go in to more detail sorry.

  10. #9
    BH-KatiesMum's Avatar
    BH-KatiesMum is offline Community Manager
    Winner 2008 - The most optimistic poster
    Winner 2014 - Most Helpful Moderator
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Perth WA
    Posts
    22,407
    Thanks
    5,372
    Thanked
    5,812
    Reviews
    3
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 postsDiamond Star - 20,000 posts
    Awards:
    Past Moderator
    200 Posts in a week100 Posts in a week


    that is awesome hun.''now - stay strong. even if he resents this, even if he hates it and no matter how many times he rings, or tells you that it isnt right etc ...

    You deserve to be able to move on.

    Your kids deserve better than having him harrass and emotionally and physically abuse you.


  11. The Following User Says Thank You to BH-KatiesMum For This Useful Post:

    anonomum  (28-05-2015)

  12. #10
    Join Date
    Apr 2014
    Posts
    265
    Thanks
    38
    Thanked
    126
    Reviews
    0
    Quote Originally Posted by TreeGirl View Post
    What? Where is this coming from?
    Oops! I read another thread by this poster and must have gotten confused!

  13. The Following User Says Thank You to ChelleBH For This Useful Post:

    anonomum  (28-05-2015)


 

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 6
    Last Post: 25-07-2014, 11:55

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Nice Pak Products
Australian Made and Owned. The Baby U Goat Milk Skincare range is enriched with soothing goats milk sourced from country, Victoria. Goat's milk has a pH level close to that of our own skin and contains natural sources of amino acids and vitamins.
sales & new stuffsee all
CarmelsBeautySecrets
Growing your own natural nails is easy. Years ago, I devised a simple and very effective technique which really helps boosts the nails' growth in as little as three days! And most importantly keeps them that way.
featured supporter
LCF Fun Languages Australia
We offer foreign language lessons for children 2-12 yrs in French, Spanish, Mandarin, Italian or German as after-school and preschool clubs or private language tuition. This is play-based, full immersion language learning with proven results!
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!