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  1. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by Patience86 View Post
    I have recurrent chemicals so not sure I fit in exactly....but I have had

    It wasn't a REAL pregnancy

    At least you weren't further a long

    It will happen when it's meant to happen

    At least you know you can get pregnant

    Oh well, you can try again next month

    If the next few cycles don't work we are onto ivf because of my problem holding on to pregnancies...so none of this is very helpful.

    Best response I have had was from my best friend. I told her after the 5th or so loss, and I guess I was trying minimise the situation as sometimes I feel that they are such early losses and I shouldn't be upset. I told her it was "no big deal".

    She said "I am so sorry Patience. I really wish you had told me before so I could have supported you. This is a big deal. They may have been early, but they still represented hopes and dreams that you have lost. The whole thing just sucks and I am here for you".
    Nawww that is just beautiful! That friend is a keeper.

    Quote Originally Posted by Fudge09 View Post
    I love this post! Currently going through a miscarriage at 6 weeks. This follows a still birth at Christmas time and a miscarriage early last year. We have had 3 years ttc and 6 rounds of ivf.

    When talking to someone at work about ivf that is also going through a cycle. We were discussing meds etc and when the client had left my boss said "you were so much more positive talking about ivf this time!" What she meant is that i had a conversation where i didn't mention my losses or stillbirth (which sometimes comes up as we have several ladies ttc through ivf that come into work). It makes her feel uncomfortable of i ever mention our son and she almost cringes when it comes up. Sometimes i just want to scream at her " we had a son. He has a name and he wasn't just a blob passed in the toilet he had a face, fingers, toes and everything that your kids had when they were born alive"
    I can totally relate to this ^^ of couse a misscarriage is completely heartbreaking and traumatic enough. But our late term loss was at 21 weeks. I birthed her, I held her, I named her. In an argument with a close friend she said something along the lines of "so you had 2 misscarriages, maybe you should just be grateful with your dd" and it made me so angry. She was a different pain to a misscarriage.. she has a name and looked exactly like her big sister. It felt like she was downplaying her existence, and it really hurt its nothing less then losing a child which is what so many people dont understand and which is why I refuse to pretend she didnt happen. I will talk about her and say her name and if it makes anyway uncomfortable then thats their problem.

    Just had to add... massive hugs to everyone who has been through this and had insensitive comments from others. I just want you all to know how incredibly sorry I am for all your losses xx
    Last edited by melimum; 23-05-2015 at 16:50.

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  3. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by SuperGranny View Post
    I thank you for this thread. I have never had a miscarriage, and I would probably be one to say something with the right intentions, but use the wrong words. I wish I could go back in time and make a better response on a number of occasions. now I am more aware, and I can think before I speak. hugs, marie.
    Hi @SuperGranny, thank you for this. I think we all realise that most things are said with the best intentions. I actually started this after reading through a similar IVF thread and realising I'd said almost everything on it at one stage or another. Hopefully amongst the rants here were some ideas about what is helpful to say xx

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  5. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by GemimaPuddleduck View Post
    I think if someone says something that you don't like, tell them. It will save them saying it to the next person.
    I still stand by what I've said and I do understand this is a vent thread but I don't think we should expect people to know what the appropriate answer is and, if they are trying to console you and actually feel for you then I think we should appreciate that.
    Also, @Fudge09 @SheWarrior @SpicyTurtle the things that were said to you were just horrible. I'm so sorry. @Patience86 you have a true friend, that is just lovely to see.
    Gemima, you can think whatever what you think, but you seem to be oblivious to how insensitive you were saying it on a rant thread. We spend all day feeling isolated because no one seems to understand how we feel, we shouldn't have to read comments like yours on this thread. I noticed that you didn't join BH that long ago so maybe you can take this as a learning curve. Rant threads are, by their nature, irrational and do not take into account things like the intentions behind stupid comments said to us IRL. That's what the real world is for.

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  7. #34
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    @GemimaPuddleduck and @SuperGranny i can only speak for myself but i prefer if someone says "i am sorry i don't know what to say" rather than saying nothing. I have had many people avoid me like the plague and become uncomfortable when it is discussed. For me it is the fabric of who i am now and what i have been through, to ignore it is to pretend it didn't happen and that just leaves you feeling like it is shameful and you have to hide your pain.

    So my suggestions would be
    1. Don't project your feelings into the conversation. Ask the woman in question how she is doing and her thoughts. She is likely feeling very fragile and doesn't need your opinion she needs your support.
    2. Don't speak about a loss as if it can be replaced by another baby. Each pregnancy is a joy all of it's own and is no more interchangeable than if i asked someone who has children if they want to swap one for another.
    3. If i start speaking about it don't shut the conversation down. I am speaking about it as it helps me to grieve, it helps me to process what happened and in the case of my stillbirth it helps me to remember him and that he is still an important part of our family. He is still my son even if he is not here.

    By asking questions (by all means say you don't know what some things are like) ypu are showing you care about me and how i am doing and you have compassion even if it is something you have not experienced yourself.

    Maybe the other ladies can add to this list but i hope it helps.

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  9. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fudge09 View Post
    @GemimaPuddleduck and @SuperGranny i can only speak for myself but i prefer if someone says "i am sorry i don't know what to say" rather than saying nothing. I have had many people avoid me like the plague and become uncomfortable when it is discussed. For me it is the fabric of who i am now and what i have been through, to ignore it is to pretend it didn't happen and that just leaves you feeling like it is shameful and you have to hide your pain.

    So my suggestions would be
    1. Don't project your feelings into the conversation. Ask the woman in question how she is doing and her thoughts. She is likely feeling very fragile and doesn't need your opinion she needs your support.
    2. Don't speak about a loss as if it can be replaced by another baby. Each pregnancy is a joy all of it's own and is no more interchangeable than if i asked someone who has children if they want to swap one for another.
    3. If i start speaking about it don't shut the conversation down. I am speaking about it as it helps me to grieve, it helps me to process what happened and in the case of my stillbirth it helps me to remember him and that he is still an important part of our family. He is still my son even if he is not here.

    By asking questions (by all means say you don't know what some things are like) ypu are showing you care about me and how i am doing and you have compassion even if it is something you have not experienced yourself.

    Maybe the other ladies can add to this list but i hope it helps.
    Brilliant list! Although I really don't think Gemima cares. I think she's here purely to criticise. The only thing I'd add is that for a late miscarriage or a stillbirth, remember that we went through labour and birth to a baby. Don't reduce our angels to a mere tragedy. Ask about the birth. Say you'll look at our photos if we're ready to show them. We're often hugely proud of our strong little angels.

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  11. #36
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    @melimum i feel your pain. It is so hard to explain the difference between a miscarriage and when you actually gave birth and saw your child. To the outside world they are one and the same but when you have gone through it, there is no comparing the pain.

    I was induced in a maternity ward with mums having live babies all around me.

    I gave birth to him, i touched him, we cuddled him, counted his fingers and toes, laughed over who he looked more like (my skinny crooked legs) and had photos taken with him. We then had him named in a ceremony and a week later following autopsy we buried him. The hardest days of my life were the day i gave birth to him and the following day when we had to leave the hospital without him. I have never felt so empty in my life. Every day i miss him. Every day i think of him. Every day when my fiends have their babies i wonder what he would be doing now. And some days i take out his photos so i can remember what he looks like and look at his hand a foot prints to remember him and that he was really here. No. It is not the same at all.
    @Sally1981 well said. We get enough judgement in the "real world" this is our place to vent and bond with others who have been there. To say all those politically incorrect things we think in our heads but it is not socially acceptable to say. Let us have this space. It is some days all we have to get through the grieving process.
    Last edited by Fudge09; 23-05-2015 at 17:07.

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  13. #37
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    This is an excellent page - it suggests things to say and says what not to say all suggestions were taken from people who have experienced loss

    http://pregnancylossaustralia.org.au...hp?id=42&pl=12

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  15. #38
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    @GemimaPuddleduck, logically we know most comments come from a place of good intentions and wanting to show support. However, at the time, most of us are emotional, irrational and not thinking clearly so yes, even the most well meaning comments will probably be taken to heart and not recieved in the way they werw intended. Personally I would rather hear "I am sorry, I don't know what to say", or even nothing at all, than a lot of the "well meaning" responses. Like I said, a lot of us aren't thinking rationally when we hear these things so a lot of us aren't in a place to say "you know what? Thats not helpful".

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  17. #39
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    Some of the comments in this thread reinforce my experience that it's somehow the woman's responsibility to 'train' people to show empathy or to not be offended. How is "I'm so sorry you are going through this" a hard thing for people to say? The notion that some of these comments may be hurtful isn't rocket science!

    I've had some pearlers

    The universe is telling you it's time to stop (thank god we didn't listen to this person as we wouldn't have our Ds2)

    Maybe it's time to accept you won't have another

    It wasn't really a baby

    At least you already have kids

    You need to be thankful for the kids you have (like grieving my losses meant I didn't appreciate my earthside kids? wtf?)

    ohhh and the worst I've had... from my MOTHER.... Maybe it's for the best, you really need to get back to work (said the woman who was a SAHM for a decade)
    Last edited by delirium; 23-05-2015 at 17:38.

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  19. #40
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    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
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    @GemimaPuddleduck I've seen a lot of your posts on the hub and I can tell that you're a lovely person. I do think you've missed the mark on this thread though.

    Essentially you are asking people who are grieving to be completely rational and to just be grateful that people care, without having an emotional response to what is being said to them. IMO this is diminishing their very real, honest, and understandable feelings.

    I think the purpose of this thread is an outlet for people who actually *do* recognise that people care, but whose grief is further compounded by some of these statements. It gives them a chance to say what they wish to when they are holding back IRL. (Sorry to speak for you OP, and sorry if I'm wrong there).

    This thread has been an eye opener for me, and while I am so sorry for the pain that people have shared on here, I am grateful for the insight you have given to people like me who have said one or two of these bumbling phrases as I have searched for words of comfort.

    Words offered in sympathy are not always able to be offered with true empathy, and this is an opportunity for me to realise that it's ok just to say 'I don't know what to say except that I feel devastated that you feel devastated. You can talk to me. I am here to listen.'

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