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  1. #21
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    I already have a 4yo dd and while trying for no.2 I've had a late term loss followed by 2 misscarriages. The one that annoys the most is "well at least you have dd" as if I just forgot how incredibly lucky I feel to have her. I'm thankful everyday for her but it doesnt take away from the pain of my losses

    This isn't something commonly heard I suppose but my friend saying to me when finding out she was pregnant "oh I'm not getting my hopes up who knows what will happen" I think it just bugged me because she thought it would make me feel better that she was pregnant and I wasn't. I had only misscarried a month beforehand. As if id ever wish what I'd been through on anyone.

    I agree the best thing to say is just I'm sorry for your loss and a hug.

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  3. #22
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    I love this post! Currently going through a miscarriage at 6 weeks. This follows a still birth at Christmas time and a miscarriage early last year. We have had 3 years ttc and 6 rounds of ivf.

    When talking to someone at work about ivf that is also going through a cycle. We were discussing meds etc and when the client had left my boss said "you were so much more positive talking about ivf this time!" What she meant is that i had a conversation where i didn't mention my losses or stillbirth (which sometimes comes up as we have several ladies ttc through ivf that come into work). It makes her feel uncomfortable of i ever mention our son and she almost cringes when it comes up. Sometimes i just want to scream at her " we had a son. He has a name and he wasn't just a blob passed in the toilet he had a face, fingers, toes and everything that your kids had when they were born alive"

    Today i had a friend ask why i wasn't at work. When i told her i was having a miscarriage she said "again? Maybe you should just be happy with the family you have got" what she meant was just be happy with the 2 DSDs from DH previous marriage.

    I have also had my mum ask every time of i am sure i want to do this. No ...we just refinanced our house so we can keep going with ivf for the fun of it. Of course we want to keep going. We haven't come this far just to throw it in now!

    Ugh...people can be frustrating and so often project their feelings onto you instead of checking first how you feel about things.

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  5. #23
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    @melimum, I get that too about DS. I'm cause I love him but one person can't replace another and I think what a lot of people don't understand is that it's not just about trying for another baby after a loss, one of your children has actually died as well. There's just so many emotions to process.
    @Fudge09, I'm sorry you're going through this again. I hope that they're testing you for stuff. I think it's awful that we have to wait for 3. I can't believe people are having on opinion on whether you should stop. That's so personal, what are they thinking?

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  7. #24
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    I have recurrent chemicals so not sure I fit in exactly....but I have had

    It wasn't a REAL pregnancy

    At least you weren't further a long

    It will happen when it's meant to happen

    At least you know you can get pregnant

    Oh well, you can try again next month

    If the next few cycles don't work we are onto ivf because of my problem holding on to pregnancies...so none of this is very helpful.

    Best response I have had was from my best friend. I told her after the 5th or so loss, and I guess I was trying minimise the situation as sometimes I feel that they are such early losses and I shouldn't be upset. I told her it was "no big deal".

    She said "I am so sorry Patience. I really wish you had told me before so I could have supported you. This is a big deal. They may have been early, but they still represented hopes and dreams that you have lost. The whole thing just sucks and I am here for you".

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    Chillies  (23-05-2015),Clementine Grace  (24-05-2015),gingermillie  (23-05-2015),GrabbyCrabby  (24-05-2015)

  9. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Patience86 View Post
    Best response I have had was from my best friend. I told her after the 5th or so loss, and I guess I was trying minimise the situation as sometimes I feel that they are such early losses and I shouldn't be upset. I told her it was "no big deal".

    She said "I am so sorry Patience. I really wish you had told me before so I could have supported you. This is a big deal. They may have been early, but they still represented hopes and dreams that you have lost. The whole thing just sucks and I am here for you".
    Wow, that is a perfect response, what a wonderful friend you have there

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  11. #26
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    Default Recurrent pregnancy loss - things people say

    Quote Originally Posted by GemimaPuddleduck View Post
    It's frustrating for me to see people complaining about responses they've received when they were never said with the intent to hurt, they were said in an attempt to make you feel better.
    Really, what do you expect someone to say when you tell them?! Is there really an appropriate answer?!
    I took this as a vent thread tbh and contributed as such but to answer your post....

    Personally I don't tell everyone, I tell people I care about and that are close to me and that's probably the other thing that stings-you expect those close to you to just say sorry, give you a hug and cut you some slack but they come out with comments that make you go WTF?!

    It's frustrating to me having to wear a tight smile and not slap someone for saying any comment in this thread-I couldn't give a sh!t about the intent, it's how it makes me feel that I object to.

    I expect them to say sorry and that's it. They don't have to say anything else because let's be honest-nothing they can say will make me feel better about it.
    Last edited by Chillies; 23-05-2015 at 09:54.

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  13. #27
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    SuperGranny is offline Worlds best grandma! Winner 2012 - Most Helpful Member
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    I thank you for this thread. I have never had a miscarriage, and I would probably be one to say something with the right intentions, but use the wrong words. I wish I could go back in time and make a better response on a number of occasions. now I am more aware, and I can think before I speak. hugs, marie.

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  15. #28
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    I haven't had recurrent losses but have had 3 m/c over the last few years and copped some beauties. The worst being my mum and dh (weren't married at the time) when I suffered my 1st loss. I was just over 10 weeks, but bub heart stopped at just over 6 weeks. Neither of them wanted me to continue the pregnancy and pushed for me to terminate, which I didn't want.

    Mum: "Stop calling it a baby. Its not a baby yet"
    "Oh well, at least nature took the decision out of your hands. It wasnt you who made the choice to end the pregnancy in the end"
    " Don't dwell on it. It happens. Move on."

    Dh: " is it even mine?!"
    Because they said baby passed away at 6 weeks, he thought it meant I had fallen pregnant 6 weeks prior, which was when I was on holidays. Now he understands the whole situation and hates himself for even thinking that.

  16. #29
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    A few days before we found out I was pregnant we had dinner at MIL and FIL's and I had a glass of wine. When I miscarried a week or so later, FIL said "it was probably that glass of wine you drank, you should have been more careful"
    As if I didn't feel bad enough already...

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    Default Recurrent pregnancy loss - things people say

    Edit: removed
    Last edited by GemimaPuddleduck; 24-05-2015 at 10:57.

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