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  1. #11
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    Hi, I'm still around, not sure about anyone else. Sorry to hear you're at the end of your journey. It's a hard thing to deal with. How are you doing? x

  2. #12
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    @jude15
    Hi, thanks for your reply, I have been a zombie for the last week, I really didn't know how to pull myself out of it. DP wants to cycle again, haven't been back to FS, can't face it! I feel like another cycle is just delaying the agony.
    The story so far
    Cycle 1- 1 x day 5 blast t/f none frozen bfn
    Cycle 2- 0 fert
    Cycle 3- cancelled poor response
    Cycle 4 -awesome donor 11 collected 4 fert, 2 at day 3, day 4 ( Xmas morning) got the call none survived
    X
    If you want to share how you reached your decision would love to hear if not also totally understand
    Happy new year x

  3. #13
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    Hi @MissDa
    It must have been really hard to hear that none of the embryos from your donor cycle survived & especially to get the news on Xmas Day - so cruel - I'm so sorry :-( It's totally understandable that you're feeling like you can't face going back to your FS right now.
    I was in a bit of a different position in that I did fall pregnant on a couple of my cycles but had miscarriages & an ectopic. By the time I did my last cycle I felt awful physically, even though I had taken some breaks in between & I found that every time I did an injection I was finding it really difficult to do & in hindsight I think that was because my heart just wasn't in it any more. I fell pregnant on that last cycle but miscarried again & after that I thought I'd never pick myself up again. I set myself a deadline of 6 months & we tried naturally during that time & at the end of the 6 months my feelings hadn't changed - I just knew I couldn't face another cycle. Not sure if you are in a position to take a break? It might give you a breather to figure some things out. My DP accepted it, although like your DP he did want to keep going & I had a bit of pressure from friends & his family to try again too. I'm not sure what age you are? I was almost 42 when I stopped & I think that did play a big part too. One of the things I tried to factor in was whether I could accept that I had done as much as I felt I could do to try to have a family, so that I wouldn't look back & really regret that I didn't keep going - not sure if I'm explaining that very well.
    Happy New Year to you too & look after yourself x

  4. #14
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    Hi @jude15
    How traumatic your experience was as well, after my third cycle was cancelled my FS wanted me to go again straight away, but I could not face it, when DP and I discussed it and decided we should go straight to DE the sense of relief was immense I guess I thought it would be the miracle fix (how wrong was I). When we had the DE counselling she kept going about "when the baby is older" and I kept saying ummmm I think we are getting ahead of ourselves there may not be a baby, I know how uncertain this IVF crapola is, they never helped prepare me for the possibility that it wouldn't work!
    I think it's different for the men, yes they are probably sad but their experience is soooo different to ours. My DP gets so weirded out about having to make his "contribution" and it's like hellooooo how about multiple injection, internal ultrasounds, egg collections etc etc.
    When the lab told me no embryos had survived I said that's it! No more, I'm done, but as my donor is so keen to go again walking away now would leave me with that "what if"?
    Arrrghhh I think I've really waffled on here. I guess I'll have to wait and see what FS says at my WTF appointment!
    Have also decided to access a psychologist to help my brain through all this and maybe get me a bit better prepared for disappointing outcomes
    ( never thought I'd need a shrink)!
    Hope you had a nice New Years- or at least a bit less depressing than mine
    X

  5. #15
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    Hi @MissDa,

    When is your FS appointment?

    I ended up going to the counsellor at my IVF clinic, never thought I'd need a shrink either so you're not alone! It did help me, probably not so much from what she said but just because I could offload everything to someone who was a stranger & wasn't 'invested' either way. She did say it was a harder decision to quit than to keep going because like you say the clinics are just geared to push you into the next cycle & the idea of not doing that doesn't really seem to be an option. Towards the end of my attempts my FS said he had serious doubts about being able to get me & a baby through a pregnancy to a live, healthy birth & then 2 seconds later he was writing up my next cycle plan!

    I found no-one ever really talked about what a difficult process it can be so like you say it's hard to be prepared. It's good that your donor is keen to go again tho because you know the option is there when you feel ready to make a decision.

    I hope the psychologist is useful. Wish I could be of more help!!! The thing I think I hated the most was that it was my decision & nobody else could make it for me!!! But I did ask lots of people for their opinions & I think that did help. Good luck!!!

  6. #16
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    Good morning @jude15
    Don't think for a minute your not being helpful!
    My FS appointment is in Friday, I'm dreading it because I always get so emotional there and they really need a side exit so I don't have to walk through the waiting room balling my eyes out!!
    I'm feeling a bit better about the whole thing but I think I also obsess about all things IVF as well which is unhealthy.
    I've accessed my employee assistance program and have a phone consult next week, they discuss your issue with you and then refer you to an appropriate psychologist. I get 6 free sessions this way so I'm hoping they can at least give me some coping strategies, some girls at my work were discussing how they were going to start trying to have babies this year and I could feel the colour drain from my face and panic start to set in and I started thinking " oh great I'll have to change jobs because I can't cope with that" but seeing as I work in a female dominated industry changing jobs is not the answer!.
    I suppose in the IVF world 40 is not that old but then you also need to draw a line in the sand, count your blessings at some point
    Hope your having a nice relaxing weekend
    X

  7. #17
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    Hi @MissDa,

    Good Luck for your appointment on Friday. I think a lot of women cry at FS appointments! It's very hard not to get emotional as it's such a big deal.

    That's really great that you can get the 6 free sessions with a psychologist. Coping strategies would definitely help & with those & the input from the FS then hopefully you can make your decision about what you'll do next.

    Yeah, it's so hard when other women get pregnant when you're doing ivf. I remember being in a café with my partner once just after a failed cycle and we chose a quiet corner to sit to be alone as I was a bit fragile & within 5 minutes a pregnant lady & her family sat at the table next to us us & then a lady with a newborn took one of the other tables & next thing I was in floods of tears! My partner didn't know what to do! That sort of thing doesn't affect me that badly any more but I still do have my moments. Ivf makes us crazy!

    Anyway, hope all goes well on Friday. Would be great to hear how you get on if you want to share. Good luck! x

    PS Meant to say that you're right 40 is definitely not old in ivf terms!

  8. #18
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    Hi @jude15
    Your story about crying in the cafe reminded me when my 2nd cycle resulted in 0 fert and my mum took me out to lunch, and there was s group of about 4 young (like very young) mothers were sitting behind me they started talking about how they didn't know love until they had babies and didn't really live until they had babies on and on it went. We were both frozen it was like God was torturing me and then they pushed their prams up to my chair!!!! I just wanted the pavement to swallow me up.
    My appointment went well, I actually kept it together really well, I went in just wanting facts!
    My FS said on paper my donor is perfect! Ticks all the boxes. He said it could of just been a bad month, he said as a Dr he has to have some concerns about using her again but also said he thinks we should use her again. Hmmmm confusing
    He also said he would get us a discount for our next cycle as we were stuffed around so much with this cycle (lost paperwork) and a major stuff up with my billing which has resulted in me being an extra $1000 out of pocket.
    Sperm is also an issue so if DP doesn't start doing something to improve it he will have to have the testicular aspiration!!!! He totally freaked - too bad I say!

    I had a phone consult with a counsellor the other day, she made an interesting point, she said- so you've been doing IVF for 2 years?
    - yep
    So basically you have been in a repetitive cycle of grief for 2 years!
    I never really thought of it like that, but it's true you grieve and grieve over and over again it's a massive cycle of a complete range of emotion!
    Sorry long post!
    Hope your having a nice weekend
    Thanks again for your support

  9. #19
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    My brother in law is childless. he and his wife are both 46yo. they have accepted already that they wont have a child anymore and actually doesn't consider to adopt. They married late but they tried for around 4yrs. the wife still has a period but still hoping at the same time accepting things as they are. I think they just enjoy their company together.. they have dogs instead to enjoy themselves.

  10. #20
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    Hello there.......
    I didn't realize how hard it would be typing in the search field 'childless NOT by choice'..........it seems to really hit home.....
    After reading some of your heart breaking stories, I feel a little silly with regards to mine as we have not endured near as much as others.
    Story so far...........DH & I met late in life (39). We started trying soon after we married. I never thought too much about having problems.....none of girlfriends went through IVF, so it was just something that 'others went through' not within my circle. And, of course - because its something I've always wanted and KNEW I was going to be - a wife & a mother - of course it was going to happen wasn't it??!!! (Slight sarcasm to myself there....) When we realized it wasn't happening as soon as we thought it would, and due to our age, we went to FS here and after a totally wasted 11 months getting mucked around (including 1 cancelled cycle), to then be told 'you have no egg reserve - there's nothing we can do for you', we (well I) gave up.........A good friend told me to visit this amazing FS in Bris which we did and wow! He worked miracles in way - he got us 3 embryos (1 the best that could be) for ET. Unfortunately, none took and we found out just before Xmas that we got a BFN I was devastated. All the questions we ask ourselves - why, how, why me, what if???? I knew that I could not cope doing it over and over (the ladies that go through multiple rounds just amaze me and I admire them so, so much - they are my heroes!) and so I think that's when we started really thinking of donor egg (we'd done a little bit of research on it months previous). We just met with our FS again yesterday and he even said that another round of IVF wouldn't be something he'd push for us to do. He's given us 2-3% chance. Whereas with DE (anonymous from o/seas) - its 40-50%. I had accepted the whole DE previously, but when it was given to you as one of 2 options - all the negative thoughts came back to the surface which I thought I'd dealt with before (i.e. the bub will not be mine genetically even though I will carry it). I am adopted, so completely understand the bond a non-blood parent has with their child. My Dad is just everything to me. But, when it comes and smacks me in the face - it is so hard to accept - this child, even though I carry it and my blood is helping it form, it still will not be genetically mine.....so this in itself, has brought up other questions which I have never ever imagined would come up before regarding my adoption. But, that is a totally different story........So, our 2 choices are DE or LLTTF (Live Life to the Fullest)........my biggest question is HOW do you know when you are ready to accept this? I've been putting all the pros & cons together and I look at the list of what's good about not having children and they all seem like materialistic things like travelling the world, not having to worry about money as much, don't have the stress like all parents do if their children are going to grow up to be safe and good people.......but part of me is leaning towards LLTTF..........and I don't know if its just my way of copping out. But, all I've ever wanted was to have a family.....Its such an internal battle and I just wish someone would give me the answer. I know this is not possible. But, if any of you could guide me and let me know if there was one specific moment that made you 'accept' (and I don't like that word as it would be the most hardest decision to make) it was time to give up. My list on both options is pretty much equal. My DH is similar to me where he changes his mind too. If I were asked at 7am this morning, I had decided it was LLTTF. You ask me now, I want to go down the DE path.......and that will probably change again before I head home. I have shared my journey with a lot of friends and I now don't know if that is a good thing or not, as everyone has an opinion and you know what - I ask for their opinions, but then I wish I hadn't asked.....or more that I wish I hadn't told so many......and if I hear one more time 'you can have mine for a day and you'll be over wanting them' or 'just think of the life you can have' or even 'if you were so desperate to have them, why wouldn't you go down the DE path without hesitation'........do they not think I've asked/said all those things myself??!!! I DON'T KNOW!!!! And, I feel no matter which way we go, we'll be judged by others. And, I also don't know if whichever path we take, will we regret it in 6 months, 2 years, 15 years or when we're 70 years old??? I'm so sorry for the rambling........as I said, our appnt was only yesterday and my mind has gone into overdrive. I know we need to make a decision and soon and whichever way choose, keep to the plan. The not knowing, indecisiveness and emotional turmoil is just breaking my heart each day. And, its not doing my marriage any good either! So ladies - was there something specific that hit you that made you 'accept' no children was the way it was going to be for you? I'm just searching for something I think - I want something to just stand out so clearly, but of course it isn't. Thank you for starting this thread as I was feeling very alone. Sorry again for my emotional rambling........take care all of you.


 

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