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  1. #11
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    @PlayNice that sounds like a terrible childhood and I really empathise with you. I didn't have it nearly as bad as you, but I have a mother who is either NPD or Borderline (has never been diagnosed), and wasn't really there for us as a mother when my sister and I were growing up.

    She didn't notice when I was getting so badly bullied at school that I would come home bruised and bloody and was driven to the point of suicide at the age of 13. She left when I was 15 and had very little to do with us for the next 15 years. Then she decided she wanted to be in our lives and it hasn't been easy at all.

    At times I yearn for a mother, and like @Trusty Chords says, it takes therapy and a willingness to let go of the desire for your Mum to be any different than she is. It sounds like you've done some work on yourself though if she is in your life now and behaving - your boundaries must be quite strong for her to know that you would follow through on not having the kids in her life, so that shows you've come a long way and she doesn't walk all over you.

    Yep, I find it hard to find a card too, that isn't so soppy and talking about how wonderful having a Mum is, because that's not my experience.

    Hi @Skyler another thread we have in common :-( I grieve too for the same reasons - not having a child and only having angel babies. The ache to be a mother is physical and Mother's Day is just like another massive slap in the face.

    My DH lost his darling Mum who he loved to pieces and sounds like she would have been an amazing Mum and I'm so sorry I never got to meet her. So we always visit her grave on Mother's Day and put flowers down for her and for all the angel babies.

    So @PlayNice you're definitely not the only one that wants to totally avoid this day and wish it wasn't so hard - we've got three massive reasons to want to hide on Sunday - but then the positives are that my sister is a beautiful mother, and I am a step-mother, so we will celebrate anyway for those lovely parts of it. Maybe focus on the fact that you're an awesome Mum and that is a gift in itself
    Last edited by Summer; 06-05-2015 at 16:58.

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  3. #12
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    almai is offline "you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."
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    Yep. I grieve the mother I lost as an 11 year old. I loved her, she was the best (from the little I can remember). What she changed into was someone I wish I never had to see again, I hate that person and she made/makes me so sad. I too look at the cards and read them with angry eyes thinking "nope, that's not you"....
    I also grieve my twins that I lost.

    But I have ds earthside now so trying to stay positive this year...

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  5. #13
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    almai is offline "you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."
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    I'm so sorry for the life you were dealt playnice. You are stronger than you think. X

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  7. #14
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    I have HUGE grief on Mothers' Day, as our five and a half year old daughter passed away in my arms from an asthma attack, the night before Mothers' Day in 2012. It will be her three year anniversary on Tuesday 12th, but the weekend of Mothers' Day will always be incredibly traumatic for me. As I said to my counsellor today, I feel two lots of grief this weekend - one is that I no longer have both of my children here to 'celebrate' Mothers' Day with, and secondly, I will always re-live that Saturday night when Sian died and the following morning when I woke up on Mothers' Day and realised that it wasn't all a nightmare - it was real and our beautiful little girl was gone FOREVER.

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  9. #15
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    almai is offline "you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."
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    Siansmum 😥 biggest virtual hugs to you 😥

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  11. #16
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    Playnice, I'm so sorry that you had to go through everything you've been through with your mother. You've been really strong & I admire you for making peace with her & letting her be in your children's lives.

    I have not had as bad a time as you but I can really relate when you say your mum isn't what all the Hallmark cards say a mum should be as neither is mine. I spend forever looking for cards that have no verses because my mum is not kind or loving, she is very selfish & hurtful & always has been.

    I'm also in the same boat as Skyler & Leisylou (big hugs to you both). I only have angel babies & am very unlikely to have a child now & all the Mother's Day ads & articles etc. in the lead up to the day itself make me grieve for what I have lost. It would help if there wasn't so much hype, it all starts months before the actual day!

    My partner's family have a massive celebration on Mother's Day & I am the only one who is not a Mum. This year I have decided not to go as one cousin has just had a baby boy & another cousin is pregnant with twins & I know I will not be able to hold it together in front of everyone. It definitely is not an easy day for some of us!

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  13. #17
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    Hugs siansmum, your story brings tears to my eyes & I will be thinking of you this Mother's Day x

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  15. #18
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    Yep. Much like you my mother was abusive, self absorbed and narcissistic growing up. It's been very difficult but I have realised she is never going to be the mother I need her to be. She has been making more of an effort of late. but again, every contact always revolves around her and her problems so I question if I'm more of a shoulder to cry on then her genuinely getting how detached she's been in the past. Sadly i've learned to aim low in my expectations of her.

    I think it's why Mother's Day is so important to me as a Mum. It's the most important day of the year.

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  17. #19
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    All these stories are truly heartbreaking. I'm so sorry each of you have had to deal with this in your life and you're all continuing on. You resilience is inspiring. Thank you all for sharing such personal things.

    DP's mother was an abusive, neglectful, alcoholic. DP is the complete opposite and although she's sad her mother is not what she had hoped, she works hard to think of lovely gifts and cards for my mum. Last year was our first Mother's Day with DD and she went above and beyond to shower me with praise, gifts and love. I know she grieves the family she wishes she had had when growing up and I wish I could help her - but when asked she said she does it to make up for what she missed out on and to celebrate what she has now. Maybe you can relate to her story.

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  19. #20
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    Hi OP, I have been quietly following your journal, and I just wanted to say that the fact that you are still breathing after everything you've been through is nothing short of miraculous. You are a very strong woman indeed and I have huge respect for you.

    I think in some situations it's not as simple as suggesting you get help (which I'm sure you have already) or need to change your own behaviour towards your mother (although it sounds like you have set some great boundaries with your children - so well done), because I am worried that you may interpret that as being 'on you' iykwim?

    If I may speak coarsely, I think that unfortunately in life there are sh!t people and sh!t situations that we encounter for no other reason than bad luck. You do not deserve anything that has happened to you - it hasn't happened because of anything you did or didn't do. To me it's about recognising that, and not spending too much time dwelling on the 'why me?' aspect. It is easier said than done, granted, but vital for my mental health.

    I have my own sadnesses around Mother's Day, but all from a first world problem kind of place. Huge hugs to the women who have shared in here. I hope you manage to go gently this weekend x

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