**Maybe trigger warning?** I feel like all my posts come with warnings.
All my life I have struggled with Mother's Day because my mother isn't what all the Hallmark cards say a mother is.
She's not kind, she's not caring, she's not interested in me as a person. She's not nurturing.
She abused me as a child, and neglected me. She pathologically narcissistic and possibly somewhat sociopathic.
I feel like she hated me as a child. She told me once that I had intimidated her since I was 2 years old.
She used to beat me regularly, and once when I was 11 she strangled me. No one ever knew and I didn't think to tell anyone. It was normal to me. I don't have any integrated memories before around 15 years old.
When I had my first breakdown at 13 she punished me severely, threatened to institutionalize me and left me at home for a year and a half. She made me keep my breakdown a secret from extended family and church.
When I first tried to kill myself during that breakdown, she told me to "never do that to her ever again."
She kicked me out at the beginning of my HSC, and straight away told me she was so glad she didn't have to my mother anymore, it has "been so hard" for her.
Since then I have tried to make peace with her, and accept that she is a very damaged person who is simply not capable of being a mother. She is a loving grandmother to my kids, and she plays by my rules now because she knows I will remove the kids from her life is she starts any of her abuse.
But when Mother's Day rolls around and I look at the cards I am still mourning a real mother. I can never find a card for my mum that isn't a complete lie.
"To the one person I can count on always." Nope.
"A mother is someone who realizes there are not enough pieces of pie and promptly announces they never liked pie." Hell no would Mum miss out on that pie. She's probably made a comment about how much sugar was in the pie and how I really should look at my diet.
I think we all need a real mother. Someone nurturing, someone who loves us simply and completely. Someone who takes care of us.
I didn't have any of that and of course I am extremely damaged as a human being. And I feel the grief comes up more every year around Mother's Day.
Can anyone relate?