Apple iPhart6 (02-05-2015)
The first time the Comment about uni guys and playing the field, he started off saying that I was young and attractive. it was then followed up with a bit of a sex ed talk ie use protection. I then said that it wasn't something I'd do anyways. The next time it got brought up he asked if there were any attractive young uni guys and something about if I was interested in any of them, to which I said no, and that I had been dating a man, but that I wasn't anymore. He then asked how recent it was (as it was partly due to the reason I was seeing him, as I'm having some issues with my lady parts and sex hurting) during the conversation we talked about why it ended, (he asked why) which I said was cause there was probably too much of an age gap. He then asked about how much of an age gap, twice as i didn't give an answer. Then we started talking about my medical issues, and that he might need to refer me on to another dr. Then at the end of that appointment, is when he was saying stuff like you look really good and fit and Are you sure you are ok (as in coping with separating with dh, kids, work, uni etc). And how impressed he was with the changes I've made to my life, and that it's going to be interesting to see how it all goes in the future. I don't think I've misinterpreted these comments. Not after its happened a few times.
As far as my separation with my husband goes, it's been ok. It was me that decided this is what I want, it just took me a long time to work it out. He cheated, he was in the wrong. It made him realise he wanted me and didn't want a divorce, for me it had the opposite effect. The kids are doing great, the house hold is so much calmer with out him here and us arguing all the time. This is the happiest I've been in years. I feel like my old self again, well almost. Don't get me wrong, life is more stressful at times being a single parent, but I'm now a stronger more confident person too.
What I know about behavioural psychology and emotional intelligence I could use to manipulate people very easily… But I don't because I believe it's extremely unethical. However I can spot it a mile away in the way a person talks, who they target and how they behave and everything you says is red flagging and indicating he does not have your best interests. You have a gut instinct and it's telling you to take notice but you don't trust yourself. When you don't trust yourself not only do perceptive empaths like myself notice but so do predators. It's the sole reason I tell my kids if they ever get lost at the shops do not panic because predators pick panic lost kids.
You have not done anything wrong but get sucked into this emotional manipulation. Some things you should read about are emotional intelligence, fractionation. You just got out of a relationship with someone who quite clearly impeded on your quality of life… Do you want that to happen again is what you should ask yourself.
Sometimes things seem too good to be true and they are. I know one guy who shall remain nameless and hopefully never reads this. He is the owner of a very well off business and I know that he used to flirt a lot with his clients even dated one that separated from her husband during their work together. He was and still is attracted to single mothers or weak women. He had a difficult up bringing and told me his own words he always dated women who were less than him, built them up then they left him for someone else. He told me his last wife he paid for her to live in a unit in the city for a year then said your on your own. He told me all these things as if he was doing good gestures. But I knew him I knew he was a total control freak and while he acted much like your dr towards women in general. He never paid for his wife to live in the unit because he was nice… He did it to control her like the last act of control. This is the insidious thing about men like these they make you feel like you owe them and you owe them nothing intact you're better off without them.When you start thinking a man is above you you've already got an issue. Partners are equal.
I know I can't make you do anything but please if anything trust what I'm saying I know what I'm talking about. People constantly come to me and say you were right even though they wouldn't listen in the first place. I'm telling you because your judgement seems to be confused right now that your gut is right this is wrong. I an't really say anymore than that and hon look I know it's tough but you don't need men like this.
Also I'll add these people mirror your reactions. They put little bits out test your reaction if you seem apprehensive they pull back but if you take the bait they start reeling you in further. It's very common.
Last edited by Trusty Chords; 02-05-2015 at 00:48.
He may be a major creep and be trying to crack onto you, but when I read those questions in the context you describe I wonder if he is just going his job.
He's asked you about 'playing the field' or dating - then given you a sex ed lecture which seems to follow on
He's then asked you about your relationship status and your break up - but you were there about pain in your lady parts. I could see how those questions may follow on.
In saying you look fit and asking how your doing after a break up, I don't see the problem with that. Doctors often comment on weight etc because they are trying to assist or encourage people to get healthy. Re your separation he may have been asking to see if you need counselling or a referral.
This does not mean I think you should date him. Dating patients is a no no, I'm just saying that it may not be him being creepy.
It sounds like it's all blurred due to your non-patient relationship with him. I think he's more comfortable to ask the questions he's asking in a different manner than he would to other patients because you're friends but those questions were asked in relation to what he was treating you for.
I don't know if he's the monster some people are making him out to be. Maybe he is just attracted to you and is trying to ignore those feelings. Maybe you're reading too much into it and he doesn't have feelings for you at all.
What is 100% clear from reading every post in this thread from people on both sides of the fence is that you need a new doctor ASAP. He can't keep treating you as a patient and, heck, if you really are interested in having a relationship with him then the sooner you stop seeing him professionally the sooner you would be able to see him romantically.
Apologies if this has been asked already, but did you only start being attracted to him once you felt he was flattering you? If he hadn't made these comments to you, would you be feeling this way?
Reading other posts I can concede that he may not be being a creepy doctor.
I would still question his use of phrases like 'playing the field', when he could just say something about using protection in general if necessary, commenting on her appearance using any words other than 'in good health' or something similar. And I can see no reason for asking twice about the age gap in her previous relationship.
To give him the benefit of the doubt - he sounds like he is clumsy or perhaps not used to treating someone who he also knows in another context. So in that case I would still change doctors.
OP if your attraction to him is based on genuine feelings, I am sure you wouldn't want his career to be jeopardised at all. As others have said, 2 years will fly by in the scheme of things.
No I was attracted to him before he started making these comments.
He also always puts his hand on my knee while talking to me, and hugs me when I see him, So yes his comments could be being taken out of context, but he also seems way too interested in my personal life. It's also hard to describe the tone of voice he uses etc. So I'm pretty sure he is interested and all these comments here have clarified that.
So I agree, I do need to find a new Dr. But I have also decided to tell him why, that I've developed an inappropriate crush and that way if I have mis-read things then he can decide if he is comfortable to continue our social relationship or not.
Last edited by FallenAngel14; 02-05-2015 at 14:40.
Angel - given you believe he's flirting with you and showing interest well beyond standard medical issues and is therefore breaking his ethical agreements. Does it concern you that if you two end up in a relationship he may continue to display inappropriate/unethical behaviour? Not just towards other patients but generally IRL? I guess what I'm asking is if he's willing to hit on you as a patient and break rules, can you trust him in a relationship?
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