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  1. #961
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    Zara, it is a tough journey we have all been on to be here. Don't bash yourself up about feeling down - it is OK and perfectly normal.

    Sounds like you might want to stop looking at Donor Profiles etc at the moment and spend some time getting your head really around the end of TTC with your own eggs. If you try to do it while you are still thinking 'not fair' etc it will be much tougher and your odds of success will probably be lower (IMO anyway).

    Is there a counseller you can talk to ? Whether via work or outside ? It might help and certainly can't hurt.

    Re adjusting to the idea that a child won't look like you .... well I am going to be rather direct and say there is no guarantee a child from your own eggs will look like you ! I have loads of friends who look nothing like their OE children and everything like their partners family and some look like they were found on the doorstep ! Having said that ... don't forget, genetics are only a component of how a 'child looks' - so much of what connects a child to a parent are mannerisms and speech patterns and ALSO don't forget epigenetics will mean that any DE child will likely pick up some of your characteristics simply because your body is 'growing' it.

    But when the time comes... if you are bothered by the idea a child might look totally out of place in your family, make sure you focus on the controllable aspects such as hair/eye colour and height/weight. It may mean it takes longer to find a donor but if it is important to you then you shouldn't dismiss it.

    I don't know if it helps you but a couple of 'stories' from me re the issues:

    1) As I said, for me, looks aren't such an issue, however, during a previous cycle I had to change my egg donor late in the peace and realised that both my egg and sperm donors were over 6 foot 4 and I & my family are all around 5 foot 7. I thought, I couldn't have a child that was a foot taller than everyone else, so changed my sperm donor to try to mitigate that height possibilty and I was suprised how strongly I felt about making that change and also how quick I did it.

    2) I would have been quite happy to adopt a baby but in Aus for a single female that is impossible so I am on this road and am (hopefully) going to experience the wonders of pregnancy and birth, but I just look at the embryos that are growing in me right now as the earliest form of adoption possible ! That has always seemed to me to make it easy to accept a baby won't bear my DNA and I look at my physical faults an think 'lucky them !' in avoiding my dodgy feet, big butt etc

    Good luck and be kind to yourself.

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  3. #962
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    Default Egg Donation in South Africa #9

    We've transferred two expanding blasts which will finish hatching in the next 2-3 hours . We may have a 'couple' to freeze? I thought with 14 on the go we'd have more than that but beggars can't be choosers I suppose... We had to pass up the high tea this afternoon as the dr frowned at me and said rest is usually recommended - and DP was present so was the enforcer lol... Now waiting for news on freezing. Friday am we go back for our copy of the video/pics and they will update us then.
    Last edited by JulieMalooley; 15-07-2015 at 23:14.

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  5. #963
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    Friday is our last free day and I have the test kitchen booked for lunch, but really want to do the high tea. I'm thinking of cancelling the lunch to do the high tea. Has anybody done both, and can advise me on which to do?

  6. #964
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    Test Kitchen ...some piccies to tempt you.
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  8. #965
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    Zara, don't beat yourself up. Allow yourself to greive. I grieved for the babies that will never have my eyes, my hair or my smile. I grieved for my parents that would never have grandchildren from us, my sisters and their children that wouldn't have nieces or nephews or cousins. I felt guilt, really guilty. I couldn't understand why this was thrust upon us, why did God choose us to be childless. The grief was overwhelming, each day DH and I would go to work and act as if nothing was amiss, yet fall apart in absolute inconsolable despair at night when we were alone. We did not, and still haven't, involved anyone - family or friends - in our infertility journey. They think we are childless by choice! For months and months we couldn't get past our infertility, and to be honest I don't consciously remember when, but gradually the fog of pain lessened enough for the yearning to make it's presence felt again.


    How did I arrive at DE? We have a lot of love to give. We want to experience all those things that our friends do as parents. I want to experience the highs and lows of pregnancy, join in those conversations woman have in the kitchen at parties, join a mothers group or the P&C at school. We are too old (or will be once we get through the long process) to adopt. I would, at the least, like one of us to have a genetic link to our children. I want DH to be able to talk to my belly bump and feel it kick his hand. He is a good, hard working man and he deserves that.


    We want a family. How that family comes about is less important than not having one. Family is about day-to-day experiences of living as a family, not a perfect set of genetics that make up a family, or how it came to be. We, quite ironically and not intentionally, paid our Agency deposit on the 12mth anniversary of finding out we could never have children naturally. I think of this as a positive, and (although we aren't all that religious) took it as a sign that God, or the Universe or fate, was making us find out what we really wanted and what was important in our lives.


    We managed to find a donor that has similar features to me - looks are an issue as no one knows what we are doing. The reason for this is that we are very private people and want to discuss, age appropriately, with our children how they came about and allow them to make the choice on who they tell. They have to be comfortable with how they were created, and who knows of this process. We would hate to arrive at a place in our children's lives where they fervently wish no one knew. We don't want to feel as though we, perhaps, failed them.


    Do I think about what my own genetic children would look like? Yes, every so often. Does that make me sad? Yes, always. Do I still want children? Yes, everyday. Does it make me happy that we might still have them? Yes, always. There's the difference ... I think about having a family every day and think about my own genetic children every other day.


    These are the factors that made my decision. My heart is happy with that.


    Zara, I hope the bad days get better for you, and you find your way out of the frustration you are feeling. You are not alone - we are all here, waiting to help in any way we can.


    Xx

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  10. #966
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    Hey Leyshoja, don't forget to eat heaps of pineapples, core and all, to make it sticky for your embies.

    Good luck and take it easy.

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  12. #967
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    Leyshoja – Congrats on being PUPO!! Hope you’ll have a good number of frosties.

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  14. #968
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    Thanks guys, the buffet breakfast here has plenty of pineapple so I'll get into it!

    Well said @Jennski.

  15. #969
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    Thank you all for the kind words of support, and sharing your experiences with me.

    A neighbour who also went through IVF, and has a beautiful little 5-year old Down syndrome angel, said a very true thing to me. I was complaining that I have nothing to show after all the heartache we have been through, and she pointed out that I have.... I have got to know myself better, my husband better, our marriage is stronger, and we have learned how we can stand together in a crisis...do you still think you have nothing to show?

    It has made me think, and whilst it does not take the pain away, I do realise I have some things to be thankful for at this stage.

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  17. #970
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    @Tittle have been thinking of you and your family and wondering how you're going? X


 

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