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  1. #11
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    @Lily pily - currently she is fine with it as he 'walks' away so she doesnt actually see it. However she is getting to the age where she is picking up on things more and will start to realise when he is on his way/about to have a 'tantrum'.
    I.e with the popcorn machine she said where did dad go, then about 2 minutes later said i can hear stomping noises like this (then starts stomping herself) - so I know it wont be long before she begins to think that when you get mad you growl then stomp off etc.
    But I agree she should never even have to wonder where he is/if he will be back (if its public) etc. or feel frightened towards him thats why I wanted to get some clarity on whether my thoughts that his anger needs controlling are correct - for all I know people might have gone oh thats normal I rage like that about 5times a day As I said I have no domestic violence concerns just general concerns that she will grow up to respond similarly and then I have concerns for my husbands general mental state.

  2. #12
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    Look I am absolutely in no way anything other than a pop psychologist with this stuff. I was in a long term relationship that I ended because of anger issues, though, so I do understand a little of how it feels, and that total wtf just happened? feeling that you can get sometime.

    Honestly, these reactions that you're describing sound very childish. It is my observation that people resort to childish behaviour only because they don't have the skills that you'd not normally expect to see adults use in similar situations. It sounds like he has low resilience and very few coping strategies. He needs to learn these. It's not as simple as expecting him to change his behaviour. Would he be open at all to counselling?

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  4. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by harvs View Post

    Honestly, these reactions that you're describing sound very childish. It is my observation that people resort to childish behaviour only because they don't have the skills that you'd not normally expect to see adults use in similar situations. It sounds like he has low resilience and very few coping strategies. He needs to learn these. It's not as simple as expecting him to change his behaviour. Would he be open at all to counselling?
    This reminds me of an online program I have used in the past and also recently that has modules to help you develop coping skills for problems like anger, anxiety, depression etc and you can also track your moods i guess to help identify patterns or triggers. Its called mycompass. It might be worth looking into if your dh is hesitant towards talking to a professional about it. It is completely anonymous and free.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Isabellabean View Post
    Well @harvs we havent really had too many 'big' things happen so I dont know but I am going to say he wouldn't.
    Usually in times of high emotional stress he actually breaks down i.e crying and then gets angry later - e.g if we fight he does the crying 'im sorry, dont be mad' but then the next day he will be more defiant about whatever the issue is.
    @Chunkydunks I do believe anxiety plays a part in most of his 'problems'. The problem is I have always respected his decision to not get diagnosed, treated, medicated etc. as he always says 'he lost his dad to medication' (should add his dad is still alive but literally is like a shell of a person no personality or opinions or feelings - hard to explain)... I still feel its DHs choice but lately Ive been feeling like I cannot cope with him as he is... which leaves me feeling like some controlling bish

    BTW I dont mean the above to offend anyone being treated with anxiety etc. with my descriptions above I am just literally describing FILs situation.
    Anti-depressants can do that to some people and it usually indicates that it's the wrong one or too strong a dose for the person. I've trialed a few and while I was on meds settled on a half dose which they usually use to ween people off. Anything more and it made me very non to everything. If he can understand that his father's situation with medications isn't the norm and should actually be reassessed then maybe that will help him to seek out help too. Also, treatment for his issues doesn't always mean medication. I made the decision a long time ago to not use the meds and instead work on coping mechanisms. This can be done with the help of a good therapist. And therapists are just like the meds. You have to find the right one for you.

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    @Isabellabean, it sounds similar to my dh. He has always had a very short fuse, would blow up over the most seemingly insignificant things. It felt like i was walking on eggshells with him a lot of the time. He has been like that since i met him, although he has 'calmed down' a lot (ie doesnt throw/break/punch things, at least not as much). When faced with major issues or under a lot of stress he would be even worse or just shut down completely. Never knew which way it was going to go.

    Recently he suffered a mental breakdown and was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety. This is a man who, even after watching me and several close family members almost end our lives, refused to believe in depression and sure as hell didn't believe in medication. But, after reluctantly speaking with a gp and counsellor, he agreed to try a low dose ant anxiety medication and the change in him is phenomenal.

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    In my opinion, his reactions don't sound regular or balanced. I agree with harvs in that he seems to be quite immature with his impulse control and he probably has never learned any coping strategies or resilience. A family member of mine was like this and it took him recognising the problem and then agreeing to seek counselling and it helped enormously.

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    I think personally it's anxiety related, a few of the things you have mentioned remind me of myself in a way and it comes purely from being overwhelmed with emotion.

    Sounds strange but the way you described him reacting when his food wasn't being made properly reminded me a bit of myself. I can be fairly indecisive, when I finally make a decision I sometimes don't feel like that's what I want. I have been in food places before and done the same thing to a degree, although I used to say to Dp "that's not how I want it, that's not what I thought it was etc" and I'd walk off stressed over nothing and he would have to politely tell the person "oh don't worry about it, sorry to trouble you".

    Same with the popcorn machine, if I was having a bad day, and that happened, on the inside I honestly would be beside myself because something I expected to work didn't, and I wouldn't know how to fix it or where to begin finding a solution.

    Big issues I have no problem taking charge and being the problem solver though and I find parenting comes quite naturally to me and I don't find it stressful at all, but small really silly things can send me into a tail spin.

    I think he would really benefit from counselling, I don't think it's an immature response at all, that's just how he physically reacts.

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    Quote Originally Posted by DreamyMummy View Post
    I think personally it's anxiety related, a few of the things you have mentioned remind me of myself in a way and it comes purely from being overwhelmed with emotion.
    .
    This is how I felt reading it too.

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    I've suffered from anxiety all my life and I don't mean immature as a harsh critique, more that he hasn't grown into learning resilience and strategies to cope with the anxiety and those emotional/physical impulse issues that come with it.

    I'm 36, and my maturity and learned coping abilities have changed enormously from year to year.

    Apologies if I offended.

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    Quote Originally Posted by misskittyfantastico View Post
    I've suffered from anxiety all my life and I don't mean immature as a harsh critique, more that he hasn't grown into learning resilience and strategies to cope with the anxiety and those emotional/physical impulse issues that come with it.

    I'm 36, and my maturity and learned coping abilities have changed enormously from year to year.

    Apologies if I offended.
    This is what I meant too. I always use the term childish to mean sort of instinctive and primal, which is kind of what being emotion driven is, to me any way.

    It's exactly the way that I am/have been, and I have been working on combating those initial urges since my marriage broke down, as I think my inability to manage conflict and the anxiety I felt around that definitely contributed to it all. So no, I certainly didn't mean it as a put down.

    I was speaking from my own experience, in that I simply didn't have the skills naturally and had to make an effort to learn them.

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