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  1. #11
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    My suggestions:

    -Counseling if needed
    -Choose things to do as a family
    -Get your finances under control if possible, maybe right down what money goes where.
    -Try to save little by little and maybe go on a weekend getaway as a family
    -if you can't talk face to face with each other than maybe email or letter

    I hope you find some answers.

    Good luck

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    VicPark  (12-04-2015)

  3. #12
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    I understand about him working hard and being the bread winner etc.

    I have a similar issue here (in regards to my hubby just wanting time alone)

    I don't think men understand that we get tired mentally and physical but mostly mentally.

    My husband just goes Into his office to be alone, as for the friends part, we all go together or just do a BBQ at home, (so we are all together)

    Can he do things alone with the kids? Like just take them out? For a hot choc or muffin? Play center? Park? Etc.

  4. #13
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    I really feel for you OP you just sound so exhausted and sad.

    Some really great advice here. Maybe what would help is writing down a few things that he could do to make your life easier and thus contribute to helping your energy levels. The way he's behaving is not ok, but maybe he doesn't have the tools to be able to express himself properly... So if you have him a list of some very easy things he CAN do, maybe that will help? Eg: once a week you get a night off from the kids, or x number of nights he gets up to baby, Saturday mornings between hours of x and x are family time at the local park with picnic brekky? Sometimes when the conversation shifts from negative to positives, that can make it easier for people to adjust their behaviour.

    I really hope he lifts his game. Yes he's working and exhausted but at some point he gets to switch off for the day. You don't. :-(

  5. #14
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    op - do you still want to be with your dh? I guess that's the first question you need to figure out.

    re your finances, it's not hard to see how massive debts are going to cause friction in a relationship. a good relationship needs to have both partners on the same page financially and with the same goals etc.

    have you heard of scott pape? he does all the barefoot investor stuff. but he also takes questions from normal people who are struggling and gives them very easy to follow, practical advice. no need to go into the details of your debts & financial issues here, but I urge you to drop him an email and get some advice. I've been following his ways for a few years now. it works!!!

    here's where you can ask your question (if your question is published, any identifying info is removed so it's very generic).

    http://barefootinvestor.com/askbarefoot/

    good luck xx

  6. #15
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    I think as someone has said do you still want to be with him?

    Everyone has mentioned counseling and you have tried that without success due to him not really wanting to be there so how much does he want to remain in this relationship if he can't commit and take it seriously?

    Without knowing his age and bit about how he was brought up. I find with males they really model their behaviour and expectations on what they were exposed to as children.

    You also mentioned a step child - is this from him and previously relationship? If so that is extremely unfair if he is just expecting you to look after him and behaving like this.

    You have lot going on and you must being feeling overwhelmed and it piles up on you very quickly and very easily. You mention house being in bit of a mess and it happens to most of us from time to time. And home is last place you want to be.

    I think you need to take charge of things you can change and have control of and that is your home. Work on room day at a time have good clean up and clear out. You will have sense of achievement as you work through this.

    You need to make time each day for you even if it is taking bubs for walk in pram for 30mins - you may not feel like it but doing it each day around same time it becomes easier and you will feel benefits.

    Financial stresses can really make or break marriages. There is the blame game and who caused it. There is no point arguing over who is at fault what is done is done. But what is important if your money woes are because of his mismanagement you need to take control of finances to work your way out and make sure it does not happen again. If this is case and he is not happy about this you need to remind him in nice way what is done is done but you need to work through this and he had his chance.

    You also can't control his life - if he doesn't like his job that is up to him to fix that not you. He has to improve this you support him of course but don't take this on.

    You also need to make time to sit down with him ask him to listen and not interrupt for say 15mins. Have a bit of a list and say exactly how you are feeling and you need him to listen. No yelling at each other (this is why important to both be sitting down at a table). No blaming each other go through what you expect of him as a partner and dad. Be very specific here they need that. So for example not you need to spend more time with kids. Rather say it would be great if I could rely on you to bath the older kids each night and get them into bed. That would then free me up to tidy up after dinner quickly and me time to sit and chat to you about your day.

    He also needs to then let you know what he expects from you. You would be surprised how many want all perks of married life but still live like bachelor. If this is case it is never going to work long term especially if you allow this manner of thinking to continue and enable it.

    You need to work as a team if he can't see that then I think you need to consider your future with him long term and you alone having weekly counseling sessions will help you on this.

    If he doesn't want to change and go out drinking then off he goes just remind him to make sure door doesn't hit him on **** on way out!! And he will wake up one day and his kids won't really know him they are little for such short period.

    I wish you all best you are strong woman stand up for yourself and your children do right thing by them you can hold your head high.

    Remember best prediction of future behaviour is past behaviour!!

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  8. #16
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    I kind of feel like I do want to leave him but something inside me always stops me. I can't figure out if I care about how it will hurt him, because I think it would. He struggles with alcohol addiction. I know that's not my problem but I feel like if be giving up on him and that wouldn't be very encouraging to him. I know I matter but I guess sometimes I feel like for all my problems they are none compared to his. He lost his other when he was about 13 to an unexpected heart attack and suffers through alcohol addiction. He is not a very emotive person, it angers him to feel anything. I want to go, I don't want such a tumultuous life with such an unreliable person but I guess I'm stuck because I feel like no one else will give him a chance or be there for him so unconditionally. And then when I admit that it makes me immediately so angry and hurt and confused because I just want to run and hide and have my life back. I was a single mum before I met him and I know how hard it is but honestly, it wasn't anywhere near as hard as this is. I guess I know he has it in him to be better but whether or not he will ever believe it is the question. Point in case... We have no money because of his little drink feat with his friends the other night. I have no fuel to get the kids to swimming lessons, let alone pay for them, he has no fuel to get to work, I have no money to buy top up groceries like milk, bread, fruit etc so he goes and gets a payday advance from cash converters and doesn't understand why I am not impressed. He will hock things too, and doesn't understand when I say how irresponsible that is financially and how it is actually setting us back not helping us. I'm just at a loss. I'll book in with dr to get some personal counselling as soon as I can afford to. I know I at least need that.

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    Now that you have provided more information you need to think about how best to help him and you.

    I think you need to consider taking hard line - he needs to get help for drinking and other unresolved issues. I would be inclined to take the position you need to separate while he undertakes to do this. You are not saying it is over but things are on hold (and really on hold no visits for sex etc - you dictate short visit times to see kids) till he gets this help and sticks to it. I would give it six months he needs to move out ASAP and commence either AA or similar. Your counsellor can help you with how best to handle these issues as well as ensure he is following through with treatment.

    Babying him is not going to give him the jolt that he needs. Things will only get worse do you want your kids growing up in this sort of environment and seeing this? The drinking is masking the real problem feeling sorry for him is not helping it is enabling him to some degree.

    If he won't move then you will have to. Maybe starting putting in place back up plan if this occurs.

    If he won't get help then I think you have your answer.

    Stay strong your kids love you and need you to take these steps for them.

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    SuperGranny  (13-04-2015)

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    hi soulmama. I have to totally agree with SF22. brilliant advice and so well explained. I could not add anything to what she has said, and I really hope you do follow her advice. your partner needs help, he needs to get away from the drinking, and he needs to deal with his anger issues, and he probably needs to deal with the loss of his mum. but all these things are too much. you are supposed to be alongside him, working with him to make a sound future, not carrying him on your back. you can guide him, but you cannot force him to change. hugs, marie.

  12. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by soulmama View Post
    I kind of feel like I do want to leave him but something inside me always stops me. I can't figure out if I care about how it will hurt him, because I think it would. He struggles with alcohol addiction. I know that's not my problem but I feel like if be giving up on him and that wouldn't be very encouraging to him. I know I matter but I guess sometimes I feel like for all my problems they are none compared to his. He lost his other when he was about 13 to an unexpected heart attack and suffers through alcohol addiction. He is not a very emotive person, it angers him to feel anything. I want to go, I don't want such a tumultuous life with such an unreliable person but I guess I'm stuck because I feel like no one else will give him a chance or be there for him so unconditionally. And then when I admit that it makes me immediately so angry and hurt and confused because I just want to run and hide and have my life back. I was a single mum before I met him and I know how hard it is but honestly, it wasn't anywhere near as hard as this is. I guess I know he has it in him to be better but whether or not he will ever believe it is the question. Point in case... We have no money because of his little drink feat with his friends the other night. I have no fuel to get the kids to swimming lessons, let alone pay for them, he has no fuel to get to work, I have no money to buy top up groceries like milk, bread, fruit etc so he goes and gets a payday advance from cash converters and doesn't understand why I am not impressed. He will hock things too, and doesn't understand when I say how irresponsible that is financially and how it is actually setting us back not helping us. I'm just at a loss. I'll book in with dr to get some personal counselling as soon as I can afford to. I know I at least need that.
    have you heard of codependent relationships? can I suggest a book by melody Beattie called the new codependency. she explains things really clearly and in a way that's easy to understand. it may help in assisting you in processing the feelings of guilt etc you're having.

  13. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by soulmama View Post
    I kind of feel like I do want to leave him but something inside me always stops me. I can't figure out if I care about how it will hurt him, because I think it would. He struggles with alcohol addiction. I know that's not my problem but I feel like if be giving up on him and that wouldn't be very encouraging to him. I know I matter but I guess sometimes I feel like for all my problems they are none compared to his. He lost his other when he was about 13 to an unexpected heart attack and suffers through alcohol addiction. He is not a very emotive person, it angers him to feel anything. I want to go, I don't want such a tumultuous life with such an unreliable person but I guess I'm stuck because I feel like no one else will give him a chance or be there for him so unconditionally. And then when I admit that it makes me immediately so angry and hurt and confused because I just want to run and hide and have my life back. I was a single mum before I met him and I know how hard it is but honestly, it wasn't anywhere near as hard as this is. I guess I know he has it in him to be better but whether or not he will ever believe it is the question. Point in case... We have no money because of his little drink feat with his friends the other night. I have no fuel to get the kids to swimming lessons, let alone pay for them, he has no fuel to get to work, I have no money to buy top up groceries like milk, bread, fruit etc so he goes and gets a payday advance from cash converters and doesn't understand why I am not impressed. He will hock things too, and doesn't understand when I say how irresponsible that is financially and how it is actually setting us back not helping us. I'm just at a loss. I'll book in with dr to get some personal counselling as soon as I can afford to. I know I at least need that.
    I was in a similar situation, except for the alcohol part. ExH was injured 4 and a half years ago, hasn't worked since. Luckily could receive a decent pension. However, spent money left right and centre, left me struggling to pay rent. He was in a very dark place for 3 years. Aggressive, constantly letting our son down. We had ds2 in 2013 and I realised then how little he did to help me. I was working full time, sorting out our 3.5 year old, and almost full term pregnant. When I went on Mat leave I saw it how it was at home. He would wake at 1pm most days and stay up until 3am playing PlayStation. I received no help with ds1 and no help with newborn ds2.. Went back to work when bub was 5 months. And decided then and there I deserved better. I'd put up with it for years because 'he needed me' i babied him for so long he didn't know how to look after himself anymore. Anyway, over a year on, he has finally got himself into a good place, sees the boys twice a week and is a great 'part time' dad! We are getting a divorce, but that doesn't mean to say that's where you will end up. I agree with other posts here, that a break is really needed. We are in a good place because I ended things before I started to resent him. I saw myself spiralling into his web of destruction and depression. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make, but I am happy, he is happy and our children are happy. Best of luck x


 

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