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  1. #1
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    Default Argh I need some advice in regards to my inlaws!

    So how would you handle it if your MIL and SIL were constantly saying to you what they thought was wrong with your child?

    My ds is 4 at the end of the month and at the beginning of the year we went through the process of seeing whether he has autism/SPD or not. We saw 2 speech pathologist, a OTT and a very specialised Pediatrician, all which said no to autism/SPD but that he was an over sensitive boy and to make sure we are guiding him through his emotions in a way he can relate. He is a happy, caring, loving boy but he has his quirks.

    Everytime I see my MIL and SIL they are at me about how he isn't like any other 4 year old they know and that they think that he doesn't process things like a normal child, it's starting to really annoy me.

    My SIL has a boy the same age and a daughter 2.5 years older and my ds is constantly being compared to them, it has got so bad that they have even started comparing him to his younger sister. But the thing is he isn't actually behind for his age, he is actually ahead but just does things his own way.

    My DH thinks they are coming from a place of concern but to me it just feels like they are doing it out of spite and nastiness. If it was just a one off thing I would think that way but it's happened so many times. At first they thought he had diabetes (such a ridiculous thing as he wasn't showing any signs of it), then it was that they thought he was having absent seizures, then it was autism/SPD and now it's that he doesn't process things like a normal child.

    They never say anything to DH about will only ever say it to me. I've told DH that he needs to tell them that I don't want to discuss ds with them anymore and if they have any concerns to tell him. He has said he will but thinks I'm over reacting and being too emotional about it.

    My family and friends can't see what they're on about and just love ds as he is, quirks and all. I just feel as though they are doing this to get to me which is really not fair on my ds. He is starting to see how they treat him differently and gets emotional at family get togethers because the 2 of them are just constantly watching him and looking at eachother when he does something different to her children or when gets upset and walks away (he never lashes out at another child if they do anything to him, he just storms off and sits by himself).

    I'm at the point that I don't want to take him near them and I'm ready to lose my **** at them. What would you do in this situation, keep in mind that my DH doesn't support my feeling on this, just thinks they are coming from a place of concern. Help!!!

    ETA sorry for the essay!

  2. #2
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    My mum would do this sort of thing and not even realise how rude it is. She is besotted with my ds so whenever she sees ds' cousins she is like 'such and such doesn't have much of a personality like ds does' etc etc. I tell her off for it but it doesn't stop her unfortunately its just the way she is, she has to compare everything. I tell her she just doesn't know ds' cousins well enough and thats her fault for not seeing them more often.

    My mil has said silly things about my ds being "spoilt" but doesn't say why (maybe she's comparing my ds to her other grandson) but it just makes me think she says that because he is chubby or because he gets mummy milk whenever he likes.

    Anyway, I would probably ask her to please stop comparing them, everyone is different.

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    I wonder how your DH would feel if they were making all these observations and remarks directly to him? He'd probably feel similar to you.

    Whilst I think your DH should be saying something, I can't help but doubt that he will address it in the way you would like him to. He might imply that you're being oversensitive, which I don't think is fair. They seem almost obsessed with watching your DS's every move.

    I would be tempted to say something directly to them myself, something like "sorry to be blunt, but I want you both to stop picking apart DS's behaviours. It's not helpful and I don't want or need to hear your various theories anymore. Please just leave him be".

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    Happymum2  (09-04-2015),HillDweller  (09-04-2015),ssehl  (09-04-2015),SuperGranny  (09-04-2015)

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    See if it was just my mil saying it I would think like that too but because both of them are saying it and my mil says all the time (when my SIL isn't around) that I should talk to my SIL about it because she has ways of dealing with children like my ds and can show me how I should be dealing with it!

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    That's the thing that I'm worried about @Mod-Degrassi. I have told them both to back off when they started about the absence seizures and didn't talk to them for a while but it caused huge issues with my DH and I because he never supported and backed me on it. You're right I need to say something to them.

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    I would just say to them when they have their medical degree in hand and are qualified to make an educated assessment you will be more than happy to listen. But in meantime their uneducated guesses are not warranted, welcome or helpful and in fact are quite hurtful and in future if they could keep their opinions to themselves that would be very much appreciated.

    I really don't know where people get off behaving like this. I don't care if they are family or friends. Some people should just focus on their own business and butt out if others.

    You have done right thing so far with your little one you have sought medical advice. Kids develop at their own rates and let's face it we all have our own personalities that is what makes us unique.

    Good Luck!!

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    Time to bring out the "repeated one-liner",

    "My son is happy and performing well. I will not discuss this further with you, only with my husband."

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    I'd just play on his differences.

    'Yeah. He's so advanced. He totally works things out in own unique way. It's wonderful to see him developing. I'm so proud of him!'

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    Thanks ladies! You've given me the boost I needed to stop this from continuing. I spoke to DH again and pointed out all the things that they have said is wrong with ds over the last 2 years. I hope it has finally made him see what's going on. We are going to sit down together with them and tell them to stop it, enough is enough! I just need to prepare myself for nastiness that will follow it!

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    They need to mind their own damn business!! Good luck, i hope your dh will actually back you up and they finally stop!!

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