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  1. #1
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    Default 5 year old being hurt by 8 year old neighbour during playdate

    Hi. My 5 yr old daughter had just found a new friend whom is 8yo girl. They went to the park last weekend and my first uncomfortable feeling came about when she seems to always wanting to carry her despite my girl shouting no several times. They ended it up with laughters but i still have an uneasy feeling about it. To me, personally I had always taught my girl that "no means no" with reasons.

    Both girls had been going back and forth to each other houses for couple of days until few days ago they started to play more in our home. Yesterday, they were playing upstairs, I heard my daughter shouting a few times then most times were laughters and soon after, when her friend's Mum came over to pick her daughter up (as they were going out for an appointment), I called up from downstairs but no one answered.

    I went up and saw my clothes from the wardrobe was all over the landing. And went into my daughters room and saw both girls on the bed with my daughter in tears and her friend has a guilty look on her face. I told her friend that her mom is waiting downstairs (not wanting them to be late for her appointment) and went to my daughter, asking her what had happened.

    My 5 yo bursts into tears detailing how her friend had carried her and left her to balance on the bed rail few times, she fell few times on the bed thankfully but her both legs hurt. She has asked her friend to stop but she continued on carrying her (my child is petite, her friend can be easily double her size). There was also an incident where her friend had carried her onto the shelves in our wardrobe and closed the door on her. Friend also had pulled her arm too tight it hurt her elbow. She was also stopped from going downstairs to get water from me. I asked why she did not call me as i was just downstairs, she said "i'm afraid you wouldn't be able to hear me, the door is closed"

    I let my girl make the decision and she decided not to play with this girl anymore. Today, as her friend arrived at our door, my girl got excited, forgot abt yesterday's drama and welcomed her in to play again.

    I had a word with her friend, "If Mia says no and she doesnt like what you're doing to her, you have to listen to her and stop. Same rule goes to mia. And she was hurting yesterday so you both must play a little more gentle. Mia is still very young."

    Unfortunately today my girl whom had her front baby tooth wobbly a little, had lost it. The 8 yo charmingly came down with Mia and said "We have some exciting news! Mia lost her tooth!" I looked at Mia she had a scared look on her and glassy-eyed. I asked Mia what happened, as she was trying to explain, her friend cuts her off and said "she lost it while drinking water!"

    I had a bad feeling. Pulled my girl to the side and asked her again. She said her friend had pushed her wobbly tooth in and it came off. There was a piece of flesh hanging instead of a gaping hole where the tooth came off. I went over to my neighbour wanting to tell her abt it and maybe its not a good idea for them to continue playing. Maybe we should wait until mine is a bit older, but she was in the shower.

    I took my girl to the hospital just to make sure everything is fine and if all the tooth is out. They cleared her and everything is fine.

    Now, am I being paranoid and over reacting here? She's my only child I'm not sure about this. Or how am I to go about telling my neighbor abt it. How would you have handled this?

    Miza

  2. #2
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    Personally I don't think there can be such a thing as being 'too paranoid' when it comes to your child. You've got a gut feeling that this isn't a healthy relationship, and that to me rings alarm bells. Your daughter does not hold the balance of power in this relationship and would prob struggle to make a decision about how to handle this friend. I see you have 2 options - stop the kids playing together, or supervise their interactions. No way would I be letting your daughter up stairs on her own with this child.
    Last edited by Juzz; 28-03-2015 at 09:27.

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  4. #3
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    I agree with @Juzz. If the girls are going to continue playing together, I wouldn't let it be behind closed doors or upstairs where you can't see or hear what is going on. This girl doesn't respect your daughter's personal boundaries, so I think any further interactions need to be supervised.

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    Paranoid. Sorry.

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    I also think you need to supervise more. When my kids have play dates, I check in every now and then. And if things get too rowdy, I would go and check.

    People might call me mean but I wouldn't have let the girl come back the next day for throwing my clothes out of my wardrobe.

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  9. #6
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    I think this is awful. Your poor dd. I would be supervising the visits if you continue them and also giving you dd the skills to deal with situations. Maybe teach you dd how to raise to you she's uncomfortable and you can come to her. A secret wink means cut this play date to an end now etc..

  10. #7
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    We have a gut instinct for a reason. If your gut is saying something is not right than go with it. Keep them in view for the next few play dates. Set up some sort of activity that they can do where you can watch how they play together. Also set up some new rules. No one is to picked up. Just say it is because it no good for people's backs to carrying other people. Stay in the lounge/backyard etc...

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    I think this girl is enjoying being dominant with your child. Because she's playing with your child unsupervised, she can get away with being as rough as she likes.

    I would only continue allowing their play dates if you can supervise - no more being left alone on the top floor of your home.

    You'll probably find this girl loses interest if she knows she is being watched. She sounds very sneaky, and I find her behaviour unsettling to be honest.

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  14. #9
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    Not paranoid at all. I had alarm bells ringing your whole story. I don't think your little girl has enough maturity to end a friendship on her own so I would definitely be speaking to the mother that maybe they should wait until your little one is a little older as the friend clearly needs a friend of more comparable size/maturity to associate with.

    If you do decide to let the friendship continue I would be supervising allot more and maybe making their playing only in the lounge/family room and definitely not at the friends house.

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    I'd start by asking your daughter what she wants to do, and go from there.

    Usually I'm all for letting kids sort out their differences...generally the result of one kid refusing to respect another's boundaries is that they'll end up not wanting to play. You could suggest that to your daughter... "if you don't listen to what I say, then I won't play with you". That does depend on whether she's confident enough to tell the friend that and follow through though. Another possibility would be a "safe word" of sorts. Some kids will often will say no to things when they do want the play to continue, which can make it difficult for kids to judge if they haven't been brought up with the same rules (eg. no means no!) as others. Could institute a word or phrase which, when said, means "you absolutely stop what you're doing right now. I'm serious."

    Failing that, I'd be talking to the older girl and saying that since you haven't been respecting my daughter's boundaries, you're only allowed to play where I can see you. We'll reconsider if and when you prove that you can respect what she says.

    Personally, I wouldn't be stopping them from playing unless that's what your daughter wants. The situation makes me uncomfortable, but the reality is that kids are learning how to interact in social situations. Simply stopping that situation from occurring doesn't allow either of them to learn. Instead I'd go for other approaches which enable them to learn to interact better, with adult guidance/supervision if necessary.

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