It sounds like she is in charge. Showing you love her doesn't mean that you don't need to discipline bad behaviour (tantrums, not doing chores, etc). A child doesn't feel secure without boundaries, and can act out more because of it.
When my kids tantrum, fight with each other, refuse to clean up their mess, they get wall time (standing at the wall, not touching it, no outside stimuli). But you must be consistent with it (I have really had to work on that part myself)
I like the wall concept - how do you enforce? I can't do time out as she will stomp out of her room and try and hit me or throw something so right now I'm back to 123 magic with loss of iPad or desert. And she's better during the week but I wanted him on board but he sees no real issue. Sorry I'm rambling. I've no family in this country and friends are all so busy with their work and family this is my sanity!! Thanks to all the repliers 😗
Just throwing it out there... have you tried doing the absolute complete opposite approach with her? Google love bombing. Get your DP on board to have the other kids and love bomb the freak out of her. This sounds pretty cliche but maybe you and your daughter need to 'reconnect' and then once reconnected start off on the boundaries, expectations, discipline?
I feel for you. Your DP is failing you as a partner by not supporting your concerns, and failing your DD as a parent by being so dismissive of her negative behaviour.
Your DD sees you as the bad guy who lays down the discipline, and your DP as the easy going parent who lets her get away with everything.
I don't know what the answer is, but I'd be furious if my DH did that to me
By the way, my brother as a teenager had a gigantic aggressive meltdown episode one day at home. I can't recall what started it, but he called the police on my parents, claiming 'my parents are abusing me'.
The police were actually more concerned if my parents were okay. Wasn't hard for them to work out who was actually being 'abused'.
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