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  1. #11
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    Back yourself. Tell your DH that you have decided your daughter, as well as yourself needs help. Make an appointment with your GP to get he ball rolling.

    Tell your DP that he needs to make it clear to your daughter everytime she uses violence that it is unacceptable. This is non negotiable.

  2. #12
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    This is a tough one. I agree with other hubbers that everyone's life would be easier with consistent parenting (by that I mean your husband supporting you).

    It sounds like to your daughter, negative attention is better than no attention at all.

    Have you tried going straight to your son when she hits him and lavishing attention on him and ignoring her behaviour completely?

    If you reflect, is there a chance that through your daughter's eyes you do favour your son at all? ie if he annoys her, do you make excuses for him because he's younger? What happens if you say something like 'yes, I can see he's annoying you. Why don't I take him over here to play and you take the chance to escape or do something else?'

    I know that it's ludicrous for her to suggest that you don't love her, but she may really believe that. Have you sat with her and been really open to listening to her reasons why she thinks that? If she can't come up with any, chances are she knows it's a way to get a response out of you.

    As for the police thing, I'd turn it into an opportunity to tell her about Kid's Helpline - put the number on the fridge and show her where it is. I don't believe she ever would do that, and if she did she wouldn't do it more than once.

    Your husband needs to get on your side. I agree, maybe approaching it as for your daughter's sake might get more out of him. She needs to see him treat you with respect and back you.

    You could also ask her teacher what her behaviour is like at school and they can also access support services for you if you need.

    I know you're having a rough time at the moment. I hope it picks up.

  3. The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to harvs For This Useful Post:

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  4. #13
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    Looks like you have already received some great advice from other hubbers, I can't think of anything to add to all the dead on advice but would just like to send you a hug, you sound like a beautiful and gentle mother and I hope you really take that praise on board.

    I love Harvs advice about putting the kids helpline number in the fridge 😄

    Hugs Freyamum xxxx

  5. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by harvs View Post
    This is a tough one. I agree with other hubbers that everyone's life would be easier with consistent parenting (by that I mean your husband supporting you).

    It sounds like to your daughter, negative attention is better than no attention at all.

    Have you tried going straight to your son when she hits him and lavishing attention on him and ignoring her behaviour completely?

    If you reflect, is there a chance that through your daughter's eyes you do favour your son at all? ie if he annoys her, do you make excuses for him because he's younger? What happens if you say something like 'yes, I can see he's annoying you. Why don't I take him over here to play and you take the chance to escape or do something else?'

    I know that it's ludicrous for her to suggest that you don't love her, but she may really believe that. Have you sat with her and been really open to listening to her reasons why she thinks that? If she can't come up with any, chances are she knows it's a way to get a response out of you.

    As for the police thing, I'd turn it into an opportunity to tell her about Kid's Helpline - put the number on the fridge and show her where it is. I don't believe she ever would do that, and if she did she wouldn't do it more than once.

    Your husband needs to get on your side. I agree, maybe approaching it as for your daughter's sake might get more out of him. She needs to see him treat you with respect and back you.

    You could also ask her teacher what her behaviour is like at school and they can also access support services for you if you need.

    I know you're having a rough time at the moment. I hope it picks up.
    Oh....great advice Harvs. By the way, Kids Helpline are incredibly experienced with assessing what's real and what's not in terms of reports of harm by parents. It's a great idea to encourage that connection.

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    *Disclaimer I only have one toddler so am no expert.

    I tend to agree with much of what Harvs has said in regards to attention. Maybe you could try love bombing to try improve her perception of your relationship.

    Also I remember being around that age and saying a similar thing to my Mum and ever so calmly she said ok if you want to but you do realize that they take abused kids out of their home into foster homes and you might not see your family again (a lot better than I explained it lol.) It made me think twice before making a silly story up over nothing. It was a good lesson in actions and consequences.

    You are doing a great job!

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    Thanks for the replies. I'm definitely agree with trying to focus on giving her as much love and attention as she will allow. I don't even know about that kids line but I think that's a good idea. She was great this afternoon. Unfortunately talking to dp didn't go well. We are just at loggerheads he doesn't see any major issue won't do counselling but thinks I should go cus I'm a nut job apparently. He just blames everything on me thinks the kids already know how to behave and any transgression should continue to be dealt with in the haphazard way we do now. Ok baby wants me back on duty

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    I don't really have any advice but I wanted to let you know that my 8 year old acts the same way at the moment. I've spoken to a few people with children this age and they are also having similar issues with deviance, tantrums, etc. There is a theory that around this age their is a big leap in cognitive development as the child moves towards independent thinking,that makes sense with the way my DD talks and acts sometimes although it doesn't explain the constant jealousy ad rage towards her siblings! Another thing you might want to look into is 'anger overload'

  9. #18
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    I havent read all replies sorry. But I think you need to take your dd to a councellor so they can help her with ways she can manage any anger issues she may have and help you both reconnect with each other.
    As for your dh tell him to pull his head out of his **** and make him realise that you need to work as a team when it comes to parenting.
    Counselling will also help you to find your strength again and help you to keep going even when your dh may not support you (I only say this as thats how it helped me) you dont need his permission to take your dd to see someone to help this situation

  10. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by MissMuppet View Post
    I wouldn't leave DP at home with them regularly if he sees no problem with his daughter hitting his son for being annoying.

    Your DP needs to understand that violence is never okay, no matter how 'annoying' the other person is being. Its very difficult to teach a child this if one parent keeps condoning the behaviour.

    I agree that I'd be talking to a psychologist about ways to help your daughter with her anger, and also how to approach the issue with your partner to get him onside. Would he come with you?
    So I discussed this at length last night with DP. His attitude is 5 year old is annoying 8 year old and she hits him tell both them off. Full stop. He thinks that dd thinks she is being picked on when I get cross with her for violent behaviour but don't tell ds off for being annoying. Some of the annoying things he does are things like wanting to get on trampoline when she is practicing back flips, not wanting to play her games by her rules, trying to get baby's attention when she is playing with her. Sometimes he can push her buttons on purpose I am not blind to that, but more often the violence is pretty unprovoked. DP says yes we should reprimand violence but he doesn't really see it more of a big deal than other annoying things that kids do to each other. I tried to explain that he is gone 7-7 weekdays and misses out on a lot of what happens. He gets all defensive saying that he's around all weekend so he knows what's going on. I've tried to point out that our parenting styles are inconsistent, but he disagrees he is always consistent in his opinion. I want us to have a joint agreed plan for dealing with bad behaviour, but he rolls his eyes that none of my methods have worked so far. He complains that I shout at the kids too much when his only form of reprimand is shouting. Mild telling off, ignore then totally blow up and throw them into their room / their toys in the bin.
    Ugh I just feel so utterly alone in dealing with this. I know I don't always handle things perfectly, I take the verbal attacks personally, I get hurt and get moody and cranky. I'm trying to work on these things. Having clear guidelines on what's acceptable behaviour and some sort of consequence for bad behaviour would help me, but he doesn't want to discuss that. Kids know what's right from wrong already. Really?
    He won't come to see anyone with me thinks we can sort this out ourselves. But thinks I'm a nut job so maybe I should see one. I think I will and have a chat with a professional about some of these issues.

  11. #20
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    This is going to sound crazy but I honestly couldn't stay with a man who's parenting skills were like that and who clearly wasn't even prepared to listen to reason and or help!

    Parenting needs to be a team effort. If that wasn't happening I'd leave. I'm not saying you should leave, it's just not something that would work out for our family.

    He is also very wrong about it being a normal child thing. It's not! Your daughter is screaming out for help and attention. I think you should take her to see someone! This is going to get worse for EVERYONE not just your DD.

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