I'm having quite a lot of difficulty on/off with my 8 year old dd. She is very defiant and does not really see me as an authority figure. She is very jealous of her baby sister (9months) and brother (5 years). She accuses me of loving them and hating her. I'm struggling with the 3 kids and house and some depression/ dissatisfaction with my life in general. I'm trying to work on improving our relationship. I tell her that I love her, I try and do things with her but it feels like nothing is ever enough. I've given up trying to get her to do anything in the house to help as that had been the main source of arguments. But this morning she is so angry because her brother is home from school with a cough. He is completely hoarse. This is proof to her that I hate her and love him. She made an idle threat of violence to me and I calmly tried to tell her that we never use violence even if we are angry and that when she's an adult she could actually go to jail for hitting someone. Her response was to ask to use my phone so she could call someone and tell them I hit her. This is not normal is it??? When I try and talk to DP about any of this he shrugs it off and finds a way of blaming me. I don't play with her enough. When she hits her brother I swiftly punish her (loss of privilege). I want her to understand that it's ok to be angry but never ok to hit. DP turns a blind eye. When I've punished her and he asks what happened his first reaction is to ask what her brother did to annoy her. DD thinks it's ok to hit when someone is annoying you and to me talking about better ways of handling frustration is good, but just ignoring these violent outbursts is like saying they are acceptable in some circumstances like your brother annoying you??
I'm hoping to sit down tonight with DP and really talk about his but lately us talking turns into arguments. It's becoming clear that some of the basic values that I took for granted that we shared are sticking points.
Sometimes dd makes me so angry and I've been rough with her at times when trying to restrain her from hitting me (not so much these days), but I've never even smacked her once. I think what's really hurtful is that to me I value honesty and hate violence more than anything. I can remember stealing whenI was about her age, maybe older. Like $1. The guilt tore me up and I had to confess to my mum. My 8 yo seems to think nothing of lying. It really makes me sad.