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  1. #1
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    Default 8 year old threatening to lie to the police to get me into trouble

    I'm having quite a lot of difficulty on/off with my 8 year old dd. She is very defiant and does not really see me as an authority figure. She is very jealous of her baby sister (9months) and brother (5 years). She accuses me of loving them and hating her. I'm struggling with the 3 kids and house and some depression/ dissatisfaction with my life in general. I'm trying to work on improving our relationship. I tell her that I love her, I try and do things with her but it feels like nothing is ever enough. I've given up trying to get her to do anything in the house to help as that had been the main source of arguments. But this morning she is so angry because her brother is home from school with a cough. He is completely hoarse. This is proof to her that I hate her and love him. She made an idle threat of violence to me and I calmly tried to tell her that we never use violence even if we are angry and that when she's an adult she could actually go to jail for hitting someone. Her response was to ask to use my phone so she could call someone and tell them I hit her. This is not normal is it??? When I try and talk to DP about any of this he shrugs it off and finds a way of blaming me. I don't play with her enough. When she hits her brother I swiftly punish her (loss of privilege). I want her to understand that it's ok to be angry but never ok to hit. DP turns a blind eye. When I've punished her and he asks what happened his first reaction is to ask what her brother did to annoy her. DD thinks it's ok to hit when someone is annoying you and to me talking about better ways of handling frustration is good, but just ignoring these violent outbursts is like saying they are acceptable in some circumstances like your brother annoying you??
    I'm hoping to sit down tonight with DP and really talk about his but lately us talking turns into arguments. It's becoming clear that some of the basic values that I took for granted that we shared are sticking points.
    Sometimes dd makes me so angry and I've been rough with her at times when trying to restrain her from hitting me (not so much these days), but I've never even smacked her once. I think what's really hurtful is that to me I value honesty and hate violence more than anything. I can remember stealing whenI was about her age, maybe older. Like $1. The guilt tore me up and I had to confess to my mum. My 8 yo seems to think nothing of lying. It really makes me sad.

  2. #2
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    I think your first step HAS to be having your DH completely on side. His undermining isn't helping and would likely be fueling the situation.

    Have you considered seeing a psychologist for your DD? Just someone she can talk to? It may really help! The school could organize this or you could see one privately without a doctors referral. My DD sees one and LOVES having someone she can talk to that makes it all about her!

  3. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to waterlily For This Useful Post:

    BH-KatiesMum  (23-03-2015),Freyamum  (23-03-2015),Mokeybear  (23-03-2015)

  4. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by waterlily View Post
    I think your first step HAS to be having your DH completely on side. His undermining isn't helping and would likely be fueling the situation.

    Have you considered seeing a psychologist for your DD? Just someone she can talk to? It may really help! The school could organize this or you could see one privately without a doctors referral. My DD sees one and LOVES having someone she can talk to that makes it all about her!
    I've wanted to take her for years. She has such a short fuse and was having mega tantrums at 5, but whenever I suggest to dp his reaction is she's just being a kid. I'm going to see one myself soon I hope and going to see if I can talk about dd without her being there. I know friends who just talked to psychologist without the child being involved. Dp always makes me feel I'm overreacting so I back down and try and find answers in books / online etc. She's his little princess and can do no wrong. I hate the lying and violence and her constant rudeness and want peace at home but it's also the long term outlook for her if she can't control those angry impulses.

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    You poor thing.
    Your dp needs to get his head out of his a$$ and back you 100% on this. Its a huge deal.
    I would suggest counselling asap. Maybe talk to your go to organise a mental health plan for your daughter.

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    I think she defiantly needs to see a therapist for anger issues, maybe even self esteem issues. If you other half won't get on board, go on without him. Maybe force him into a situation where he has to look after her for a few days so he can feel and see the issues. I can't really help as I only have 1 child but she is well behaved. I feel from the fact as I was a single parent, no conflict in parenting and I was tough on punishment. A good smack on the bum never killed her.

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    You need to start leaving your DP at home with the kids by himself, so he can see it with his own two eyes.
    Do it regularly, and give him no option.
    Tell him you need him to see how bad it is getting.

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    I wouldn't leave DP at home with them regularly if he sees no problem with his daughter hitting his son for being annoying.

    Your DP needs to understand that violence is never okay, no matter how 'annoying' the other person is being. Its very difficult to teach a child this if one parent keeps condoning the behaviour.

    I agree that I'd be talking to a psychologist about ways to help your daughter with her anger, and also how to approach the issue with your partner to get him onside. Would he come with you?

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    Quote Originally Posted by allykat111 View Post
    I think she defiantly needs to see a therapist for anger issues, maybe even self esteem issues. If you other half won't get on board, go on without him. Maybe force him into a situation where he has to look after her for a few days so he can feel and see the issues. I can't really help as I only have 1 child but she is well behaved. I feel from the fact as I was a single parent, no conflict in parenting and I was tough on punishment. A good smack on the bum never killed her.
    I've always been reluctant to see a therapist against his wishes, mostly cus he makes me think I'm just being silly and I feel like we should make that decision together. She definitely has self esteem issues. I think I might see if I can just talk to a therapist in conjunction with my own issues. Not really sure how much my unhappiness is all just part of this issue with us having communication issues and different parenting ideas. Argh this parenting business is hard 😒

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    Quote Originally Posted by HappyBovine View Post
    I was reading your post and nodding along. My 12 year old DD is similar and has been like it for years. I've taken her to see a counsellor, psychiatrist and pyschologist. Counselling gave me a short term temporary improvement, but hasn't fixed the issue. I find she is worse when she is tired and stressed out about something. For example, she is particularly bad at the moment and I'm putting it down to starting highschool. She is an extreme perfectionist and can take it out on other people if she "fails" at something (ie wasn't the best).

    My DD is also very jealous of her ten year old sister and hasn't forgiven her for being born. I find my DD improves if I give her more one on one attention. It doesn't need to be elaborate something as simple as getting her to help me cook dinner helps her feel like she is getting more attention.

    My DD has also threatened to phone the police / kids help line and dob me in for child abuse. In her case the child abuse she is referring to is me sending her to her room / having to restrain her from hitting me or someone else / forcing her in to the car when she doesn't want to go to school. It used to affect me deeply, now I just laugh when she threatens.
    So she's never followed through? I'm so protective of my kids like I know too protective feel uncomfortable with childcare before about 2, so for me it feels so awful that my first born babe wants to hurt me like that I just hope she doesn't really understand what's she's suggesting but sometimes when she has mega tantrum or serious misbehaviour and I try and talk later she will flat out deny it like she can't bear that she could be in the wrong so she makes herself believe that she's the one who's being mistreated.
    Is your dd good at school/ outside of home? Mine definitely plays up when under pressure at school but is angel there just uses me as her punching bag - and recently her brother. I'm trying to find more one on one time and control my reactions so not to make things worse but I think these kinds of kids really need consistent parenting and some basic rules that aren't negotiable? Just can't figure out how to get dp to take it seriously

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    Maybe it's time to trust yourself @Freyamum....

    It's a shame that Dp isn't on the same page as you but perhaps your Dp isn't as close to this behaviour as you are? Or perhaps your Dp isn't...erm...as emotionally equipped to perceive and respond to this stuff.
    You've given Dp's way a good go.
    What happens if you just tell your Dp that you think it's time to try something different since the strategy you've both adopted til now has not paid off.

    If you're having a hard time encouraging your Dp to get on board then he may find it more palatable if you couch things in terms of you and your DD going to see someone about your relationship....rather than taking DD to see someone...?


 

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