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  1. #1
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    Default What role do you think your family see you as fulfilling? Mine see me as housekeeper

    Sorry that title bit strange, but just following on from my other thread about chores it occurs to me that what I struggle most with is the feeling that my family - DP, DD1 age 8, DS age 5 and of course DD2 age 9months just see me as mum/housekeeper. I'm happy to be all and everything to my 9 month old but how do I get DP and my older kids to start seeing me a person again? I feel so overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done to keep everyone fed, in clean clothes, off to school on time with lunch etc... and all I get from kids is complaints about dinner being gross, tantrums if I ask them to do ANYTHING in this house. I LOVE LOVE my kids, but I HATE HATE them just seeing me as the one who picks up after them. Is this a weird way to feel? Can I really expect kids to appreciate all I do for them? Probably not?
    How do you think your family sees your role? Are/would you be happy to be regarded as just the mum who buzzes around making sure everyone else is happy?

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  3. #2
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    My family sees me as the maid and cook.
    I cracked it with DF yesterday after he had slept in, gotten up, walked into the kitchen and said "where are the pancakes?". Once I picked my jaw up off the floor I told him in no uncertain terms that whilst I may cook breakfast for everyone once in a while, I definitely do not do it to request and I never will.
    My boys definitely think I am a maid, but now that they have certain jobs they HAVE to do, they are realising just how much it sucks having to pick up everyone else's stuff (and that it's just easier to put things away the first time!)

    No, I'm not happy to be regarded as the mum that ensures everyone else is happy at the sacrifice of my own happiness. Sure, I want my family to be happy but they can go shove it if they think I will work myself to the bone for no reward or appreciation.

    How old are your kids, OP?

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    Kids are 8 and 5. I was thinking of getting a basket for each of us and letting them take turns being house monitor - so telling everyone to put away their stuff and when they don't it goes into their own basket and gets dumped in that kids/parents room by kid on duty. Thought maybe they'd get some idea of how much work goes into keeping the house. Tho not sure what happens when the baskets are full and they still don't sort them out!!
    Glad I'm not the only one not happy being house slave! Dps mum still does everything around her house and for her grown up kids when they visit or even when she visits. I see her just being used and taken for granted but dp insists she likes to be busy. I can't be that woman!!!

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    We have been having this issue with ds 8 also. He seems to just think I have nothing better to do than tidy up and run errands for him. As we sit down to dinner he calls out - I'll have cordial thanks.
    He didn't seem to understand why I told him we aren't a restaurant and I'm not his waiter either.

    We recently begun a family support angle. Instead of saying to him - I'm not your slave etc. We try to talk more about how our family does anything even small things to help each other have a nice day. So for him that might be to help carry some bags from the car or take the rubbish outside.
    For me that's taking him to school on time and packing a healthy lunch etc

    I don't except to him to realise the extent of everything I do. Just take half a second here and there to think about other ppl and be considerate.

    Ds has chores to do and things to help with. He is expected to help when he can and if / when he complains - cause I don't feel like it.. I usually reply with - maybe I don't feel like cooking dinner or taking you to footy training either. When he looks at me- I remind him we are all a team and it takes all the ppl in the team to make it work. We don't just get to stop if it affects other ppl too.

    I think it's more about helping them be considerate and to say thankyou. I really don't mind doing what I do, but I just want to at least be thanked once in a whole instead of being complained too.
    When ds whinges that dinner is 'gross' his plate is taken away, we dont argue or make a fuss.
    Df is big on respect and he won't let ds talk that way. If he doesn't want dinner it's No problems. Just ask to be excused. But don't whinge about something I just put effort and time into making for my family to keep then healthy. Next time he doesn't like something - he learns to say it politely and ask if he can have some fruit instead.

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    I have the same problem with my dh (ds is too young to see me as anything other than two walking b.oobs). But when I ask him about it he denies it but I still get the feeling he views me as a sahm even though I work part time. It drives me crazy!

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    I know my DH doesn't see me like this but when I'm frustrated and overwhelmed (like now) it can feel that way.
    My sons do though, but that's without putting much consideration in to it.
    They're just oblivious that it is actually ME doing the cooking & cleaning and not the fairies.
    It's really easy to feel like that's all we are to them though, isn't it.
    And sometimes it's just easier (if you want a job done right) to just just it yourself, which I have to say I do a lot.

    I'm sure if our mothers had internet and the ability to vent online when they were raising their family, it would sound very much the same.
    I've seen the women in my family do everything and get no thanks for it.
    I don't like them, the ones who did everything for everyone - then died! (Nana)
    Or like my mam who would spend every single Friday night (for 18 yrs) ironing her partner's shirts, (he had so many shirts, hours of ironing) - then they broke up.
    My DH does his own ironing.

    I'm just not that kind of mother anyway.
    Maybe it's part laziness but mostly I think it's because your own mess is your own responsibility.
    Better they learn that young.
    I don't want to send my kids out in to the world without the basic skills in cooking and cleaning/laundry etc etc, like my uncles were.
    Grown men unable to do anything for themselves? Yeah, very attractive :/
    We had chores to do as young children and it didn't do us any harm so if I can drop the need to do it right, I will get my children to do more around the house.
    They're only 6 & 3 so I still have a few years to go before I can swap the apron and rubber gloves for champagne and bonbons though

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    This is DH and my biggest argument. DSS (9) is with us full time 14 days a fortnight and other DSS (11) is every weekend. Dss 9 has chores but DH doesnt reinforce them. I do my best and 90% of them time they get done. DHs ex isnt remotely interested in the kids and lives in sqaulor (sp?). She has had DOCS involved several times but they just removed the kids, give her XYZ days to clean up and return them until next time. So DSS comes over and wont do any chores and chucks it if privledges get removed. I know he is only here 2 days a week but in this house you pull your wieght. The jobs arent hard ones, take rubbish bag to bin, take placemats off table or either wipe up or put away dishes with me and Dss9. He wont do any of it and told me last month when I told him to hurry up to help in kitchen "Why don't you just do it. Thats what your here for isn't it?" And I honestly felt like slapping the sexist right off his face (obviously I didn't.) DH sticks up for him saying he isnt here much ect. But DD is 2 and helps me put stuff away and ti dy her room (yes she thinks its a game but she helps) and DSS9 mostly does his chores when asked. Grrr I am not here to be your slave kid.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Phony View Post
    I know my DH doesn't see me like this but when I'm frustrated and overwhelmed (like now) it can feel that way.
    My sons do though, but that's without putting much consideration in to it.
    They're just oblivious that it is actually ME doing the cooking & cleaning and not the fairies.
    It's really easy to feel like that's all we are to them though, isn't it.
    And sometimes it's just easier (if you want a job done right) to just just it yourself, which I have to say I do a lot.

    I'm sure if our mothers had internet and the ability to vent online when they were raising their family, it would sound very much the same.
    I've seen the women in my family do everything and get no thanks for it.
    I don't like them, the ones who did everything for everyone - then died! (Nana)
    Or like my mam who would spend every single Friday night (for 18 yrs) ironing her partner's shirts, (he had so many shirts, hours of ironing) - then they broke up.
    My DH does his own ironing.

    I'm just not that kind of mother anyway.
    Maybe it's part laziness but mostly I think it's because your own mess is your own responsibility.
    Better they learn that young.
    I don't want to send my kids out in to the world without the basic skills in cooking and cleaning/laundry etc etc, like my uncles were.
    Grown men unable to do anything for themselves? Yeah, very attractive :/
    We had chores to do as young children and it didn't do us any harm so if I can drop the need to do it right, I will get my children to do more around the house.
    They're only 6 & 3 so I still have a few years to go before I can swap the apron and rubber gloves for champagne and bonbons though
    Ah it's been good to vent and realise I'm not alone! I've always put my foot down about ironing that was never going to happen, but the rest of the stuff snuck up on me. I need a plan to start getting them involved now before this attitude becomes too entrenched.
    My paternal grandfather once called my mum and asked her to come over and make him a cup of tea cus his wife was out!

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    Quote Originally Posted by RaraMum View Post
    This is DH and my biggest argument. DSS (9) is with us full time 14 days a fortnight and other DSS (11) is every weekend. Dss 9 has chores but DH doesnt reinforce them. I do my best and 90% of them time they get done. DHs ex isnt remotely interested in the kids and lives in sqaulor (sp?). She has had DOCS involved several times but they just removed the kids, give her XYZ days to clean up and return them until next time. So DSS comes over and wont do any chores and chucks it if privledges get removed. I know he is only here 2 days a week but in this house you pull your wieght. The jobs arent hard ones, take rubbish bag to bin, take placemats off table or either wipe up or put away dishes with me and Dss9. He wont do any of it and told me last month when I told him to hurry up to help in kitchen "Why don't you just do it. Thats what your here for isn't it?" And I honestly felt like slapping the sexist right off his face (obviously I didn't.) DH sticks up for him saying he isnt here much ect. But DD is 2 and helps me put stuff away and ti dy her room (yes she thinks its a game but she helps) and DSS9 mostly does his chores when asked. Grrr I am not here to be your slave kid.
    My dd aged 8 says things like that to me - "you do it, it's your job". DP never calls her on this disrespect. The other day she complained that we had to go to the shops asking why I didn't do it while she's at school rather than sitting around all day!!! I have a 9 month old baby, but even if I didn't that is out of order. Another reason to get them involved and shake that spoilt attitude out of her!

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