I am now 11 weeks and 5 days (I just got a scan today for the first time).
Things have been pretty stressful in general since before I was pregnant, but increasingly now. I fell pregnant in December 2014, we were moved out of a rental but not yet in the house we bought (which we are still renovating), so we were squatting at my sister's. We moved in in January, and are still doing renos. We don't have a proper bathroom and the smells in this house have driven me insane during my morning sickness period. I would gag when i walked in the front door. Everything is still pretty upside down but we're getting through it slowly.
My husband is now looking for work again and finding it tough in this market. On top of that, his father has been given months to live. We were supposed to be planning a trip for later this year (which has been paid for), but since the news that I am pregnant and that my father-in-law is dying, we bought it forward to April/May. Which led me to seek leave from my boss in advance, which was a stupid thing to do for someone on a fixed-term contract (which was supposed to go permanent but now that's not happening).
So I was stressing for a good month about all this, having nightmares for 2 weeks straight and crying most days, wondering if I will end up without a job while pregnant while caring for a dying relative and my husband being unemployed.
I finally had my meeting on Tuesday (4 weeks later) where I found out what my status was. I had my union rep present which just ****ed them off but I don't care. I am getting a short term contract renewal, which means i will still get my full maternity benefit. So for that i am grateful, but for the last 4 weeks i have gone through hell, with full on nightmares, crying spells, stressed out of my mind, and this put pressure on my husband who is trying to get through his own struggles.
The meeting itself was pretty yuck, i got accused of making an accusation any time i asked a question (such as outrageously asking, "when was this decision finalised" and "over what period did these meetings occur"). It was all just **** but we got through it and i should be relieved now and able to move on but i am so messed up from the sustained stress over the last month and the yuckness of that meeting. I should be happy but i felt so heavy and **** and messed up that day and the following day.
The day after the meeting i went to see my doctor for a couple of updates on the antenatal stuff, and while i was there she checked my blood pressure, and it was high. She checked again and it was still high, so she sent me to the nurses room to lie down for a while and re-check it. I was there for an hour and a half resting and getting my blood pressure checked. She told me she called the hospital to let them know and wondering if i need to see them earlier than my appointment a week later, but in the end my blood pressure came down a bit and she told me if i get certain symptoms to go to emergency straight away.
I had today off work, i feel bad, and ****, and justified but still like i am on thin ice there until i sign this dumb *** contract.
All i do is feel crap, and i have this baby on the way but i feel robbed during the last month in particular of what should be a happy time.
I am also concerned that because i have a massive phobia of childbirth and "female procedures" (had it since i was a kid), plus i was NEVER clucky it was more like "well i'm 32 and my husband is keen to have our own rather than adopt so i guess we better give it a go then" and presto!
So now i am carrying a baby. I am not regretful that i am pregnant, just stressed and guilty and feeling robbed during this season that is supposed to be special.
I got a scan today, it was my first one, and my husband was there. I thought they were just checking for chromosomal abnormalities but we got to see everything, see it move. I felt detached and sad in a way, like i am supposed to treasure this moment and i just feel like it's not real somehow.
I did feel something though in a way, well it moved around a bit, she said it's not abnormal but it looks more active than when she scans others, so we got to see alot of movement, and at one point it looked like it was waving to us lol.
I am worried that with my current levels of stress, i am not going to be a fit mother because i am so caught up in my own **** and stresses in life. I don't feel ready emotionally to be a mother.
I had a dream a few nights ago, it was really weird, i saw this girl and her mother just died, and i was kind of there and crying and i said "do you need a hug?" and she said yes and she hugged me and i hugged back, and she was sobbing and just like really needing me, and i was hugging going through the motion and being supportive like i would to someone i guess but i felt uncomfortable, like this girl needed me like her own mum and i couldn't deal with it....
Anyways, sorry for the long rant. I am feeling so messed up right now