To answer @FrothyFrog's question I got through with LOTS of help and support from DP. He didn't criticise me, he just saw I wasn't coping and helped me get through. I worked really hard to get better by making sure I looked after myself and used a variety of de-stressing, self care strategies such as taking plenty of time out for myself, exercising and meditating.
If DP had just constantly told me what I was doing was wrong, bad, abusive and damaging to the kids I probably would have ended up in a far worse position than I did. It's a bit like telling an addict to 'just stop' or telling an obese person to 'just lose weight'. It's not constructive and is actually harmful.
Last edited by FearlessLeader; 27-02-2015 at 12:53.
Thank you to everyone that has replied. Things are tense and it's an awful place to be in our marriage. I do think he is depressed and not coping - not a total excuse for his words and treatment of the kids but when we are pushed to our limits I know we all can be someone we don't want to be. We need to find each other again and talk to each other openly and honestly. I do need to stop accusing and pointing the finger and not offer support. Fearless Leader I thank you for your story as it's been able to make me think outside myself. One day at a time. He does acknowledge his behaviour and that's a start. This parenting gig is hard in so many ways. I need to find myself and my husband again outside of kids.
But hopefully the two of you can sit down when things are calm and work through some strategies to help both of you cope
Is this his usually behavior when he gets stressed, or is this a side of him you have only seen since you had kids?
I would suggest going to a Triple P course together (so he does not feel it's just you wanting him to change) so he can learn some other ways of managing the kids behavior.
It won't be long before your 3 year old is parroting that back to him so it needs to be dealt with ASAP.
By all means support your DP and help him find the support he requires. He may or may not have depression. That's for a qualified person to help you determine. Start with your GP. Book a double session and ask for your GP to help you come up with a short term plan of action in relation to counselling sessions and basic strategies to manage anger.
A home, continue to intervene when he becomes angry. Your children should not ever get the sense that it is normal or ok to be addressed in this manner, irrespective of his mental state. If this sometimes means 'pointing the finger' so be it. Your DP's journey may be a long one and your children should not have to compromise their sense of security for his experience. Do you have family that the children can spend time with for a few days here and there over the next month?
I agree that the males need to be tough on their children, but not to the extent of swearing AT them. ok, maybe to swear a little AROUND them, but bit harsh if he is calling them names. Maybe ask him to deal with the toddler, and you deal with the newborn if things aren't working out between you juggling both. That way just say ok, instead of getting stressed about the baby, how about you look after DS for me, he loves doing stuff with you etc etc. And because he is older your DH has a little more interaction with him rather than a baby as such. Then if that is going ok, then you need to compliment him about that. I noticed you weren't so stressed today, so you much be enjoying DS company etc. That way your DH has something a little extra to focus on, and you can focus on the baby. Then when the baby is asleep then the 3 of you can have a little time together type thing. Only a suggestion. But good luck with it.
Ok, my dad was like this. He would also smack. But the yelling, swearing and name calling I remember.
He may have been going through some things (for 2 decades...). But quite frankly that doesn't excuse it. I became very downtrodden and had no confidence. To this day I flinch when I hear a man raise his voice.
Great that hubby knows it's not the right way to behave. Hope he can change x
I think the other issue is that the OP says that her husband won't agree to counselling. If he's unwilling to accept help, unfortunately there's not much that can be done.
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