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  1. #21
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    Hi op I agree with @fearless leader- sometimes depression manifests differently to crying and moping around.
    I think your DH is depressed - male PND and I think the swearing is him being frustrated that he can't help.
    My DH hates it when our 10 week old fusses and cries and he can't settle her- he appears to get angry, he doesn't swear but I can see such similaritys.
    Your DH may be over tired, sleep deprived, and feeling like he is powerless to help you- he loves you very much and it upsets him to see you struggling with the children and he is very frustrated that they are doing that to you.
    Anyway that's just my opinion from the posts you've written and that you said how you've discussed his swearing and that he agrees it's wrong.
    He needs hugs and possibly medication and counselling and a break- time out. A meal out with you And you undivided attention would do him wonders. I know he's supposed to be an adult and behave like one but it sounds like he is just not coping and he is reverting to acting like a naughty child- when my DH and I had similar problems he was really calling out for positive reinforcement from me- he wanted lots of compliments and reassurance that he was needed and that I just didn't want his sperm to get babies, I actually wanted and needed him as a person. Anyway that's just what worked for us. I really hope you can get to the bottom of it and get your DH enjoying parenting and the wonderful time it can be.
    Pm if you want to. Hugs.

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  3. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by FuddyMum View Post
    This is the millionth time we have had this argument. It's not just swearing around the kids it's swearing at them and also calling names "retard" "little ****" the baby was crying a lot while I was cooking dinner after me taking her off him she was a "*****" and a c**t. He just flips out. It's disgusting I hate it and I hate my three year old hearing him act like a teenager throwing a tantrum. He is such a good husband in many other ways works hard, does heaps around the house looks after our three year old while I have the new baby. But he is also only happy when the kids are well behaved.. He is tough on our three year old and I guess he is well behaved because of it but when my husband is at the end of his patience the parenting is verbally aggressive. I hate it. A lot of the time I jump in take over and tell him to stop which he hates but I can't help. He says it undermines him. I have tried to just let him do what he does for the sake of not rocking the boat but I can't help it as it's not right. He just does not handle kids well and seeing this side of him has really ruined a lot of my feelings towards him as the behaviour is just so immature as he is the adult dealing with the toddler and should be able to handle himself better or walk away. He says that this is him and how he handles things and can't change...he is sick of having the same argument and is seriously considering separating over it.
    Sorry I didnt read this thread past "retard". That word is highly offensive to me. Yes children are stressful. Yes some people swear. But he is an adult & they are babies. For gods sake he can take himself off for a walk & swear it out alone, but calling the children names like that just once in front of me would be a deal breaker. I'd tell him to leave immidatly, seek Counciling & you'll join him there once he has better anger management. Calling the children names like that is abuse. He is abusing the children. Regardless of his excuses the children are trapped with him when he does these things. He has an unfair advantage over them. They can not get away from him. You need to remove him until he can behave himself.

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  5. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    But I didn't ask for help 'like an adult'. And I did have fits and call my baby a c7nt. I fail to see any difference.
    There is no justification for calling a child that no matter what this guy is going through.

  6. #24
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    Such a difficult situation and if you've been arguing about it for a while without resolution, then keeping doing the same thing is not going to change the outcome - so a different approach is needed.

    I know DH said that he wouldn't do counselling as by that time "it's already over" but I think if it can be framed in a different way - that it's more about learning skills rather than being told he is 'wrong' - he may be more open to it.

    In the early days of our relationship my DH was very stressed at one point and took it out on me, completely misinterpreting something I said and got angry, raised his voice and said some things that were not nice. I put my foot down and said - counselling or we're done - I'm not going to be in a relationship with verbal abuse - & he agreed.

    I think the key was finding the right counsellor. I was recommended to a male counsellor and he was able to talk to DH on a bloke's level. He would make blokey metaphors about learning a skill at work to learning a skill in a relationship etc - and he was not once made to feel he was wrong, but gently given skills in a way that he could relate to. So I think what counselling means to your DH is something really negative, when it could be framed as a positive.

    Good luck, it's a difficult situation to be in - he is obviously not coping but also doesn't know how to deal with it. It does need to be nipped in the bud now so you have a chance of rebuilding the relationship and your family. If you say he is really good in all other ways, then it sounds like it is worth trying to find an answer.

  7. #25
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    Is there a chance you both could attend a parenting course like triple p or something?
    I find that my DH gets very similar because he really doesn't understand child behavior. I know that sounds weird but he had never been around babies or toddlers. So he gets frustrated very easily.
    Sometimes a parenting course can help understand how our modelled behavior impacts our kids etc.
    Just a suggestion.

  8. #26
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    I agree with some of the others on here. It sounds like it could be depression. My dh was severely depressed when dd was a baby, but as much as he was overjoyed for her to be around, he couldn't cope with her crying. I just had to concede that if she was crying, I had to take her to another room and settle her, and that it was always my job to deal with her when she wasn't happy and smiling. It did get better, and dh is fine with her now and she is 3. He just needed space as he found the newborn stage really stressful on top of already having depression.

  9. #27
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    I also think there have been some great suggestions on here. It sounds like he's highly stressed, and swearing is his way of dealing with stress/anger.

    Can you find a quiet opportunity to sit down with him and discuss it? Tell him that you know he's stressed, and that's okay, but swearing at the kids is unacceptable. Perhaps you could work out together some alternative ways for him to cope when he's struggling, and assure him that you're willing to do whatever's necessary to ensure he gets these opportunities.

    I didn't swear at my daughter when she was a baby, but I certainly did some things that were completely unacceptable because I wasn't coping. I knew that my behaviour wasn't acceptable, and my partner was aware. He never tried to make me feel bad about it; only ever did what he could to help. I don't know what I would have done if he'd simply kept telling me to stop without offering any support.

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    Have you thought of recording him when he loses his temper and replaying it back once he's calmed down? It might help him see how terrible his behaviour is and might even make him realise why it upsets you so much.

    I can sympathise with him possibly having depression or not coping, but really, it's not relevant when you consider how his behaviour might affect the kids in the long term, especially the three year old. He needs help and he has it in his power to seek it out. But if he continues without making any real effort to change, it'll make you feel worse over time and will affect your kids as they grow up.

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  12. #29
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    FL - i just wanted to say that i admire that you have stood up and shared your experiences. I bet it was not easy to do and i also bet it is not easy to read other people telling you you are abusing your children.
    Last edited by bpac; 27-02-2015 at 12:07.

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    Quote Originally Posted by hopeful1986 View Post
    Have you thought of recording him when he loses his temper and replaying it back once he's calmed down? It might help him see how terrible his behaviour is and might even make him realise why it upsets you so much.

    I can sympathise with him possibly having depression or not coping, but really, it's not relevant when you consider how his behaviour might affect the kids in the long term, especially the three year old. He needs help and he has it in his power to seek it out. But if he continues without making any real effort to change, it'll make you feel worse over time and will affect your kids as they grow up.
    Maybe not recording as that will probably make him feel like he is on "trial" iykwim. My DH (and I) swear like troopers. One day he was on the phone and i counted the amount of times he swore and told him after. He was really surprised. He knew he was swearing but not to the extent that he actually was. It was a little less confronting to do it that way and i found that doing it a few times made him try a bit harder. I think my exact words to him was "Babe, do you realize you just said **** 47 times in that 8 minute phone conversation? I recon that is some kind of record" I tried to keep it a bit light. Does that make sense?

    Swearing is a habit that some people do without thinking. I know that if i was recorded and played back to me when i had calmed down it would put my back right up again.

    Hope that makes sense!


 

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