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  1. #11
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    You call my 6 week old a c7nt and you would be finding somewhere else to live.
    That is just vile, disgusting, abusive and I would have no respect for him at all.

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  3. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lincolns mummy View Post
    You call my 6 week old a c7nt and you would be finding somewhere else to live.
    That is just vile, disgusting, abusive and I would have no respect for him at all.
    Well I would have been homeless if I had procreated with you
    Seriously how about a bit of compassion, folks. Not everyone deals with newborns with coos and smiles.

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  5. #13
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    Thanks Harvs and Fearless you both have valid points. I don't want my marriage to end and I never thought we would end up like this and I think he is just ready to walk away as he can't seem to talk about this like adults. It seems so stupid to separate over me telling him to stop swearing at the kids...I don't mean to criticise and no I don't think he is coping with the two kids and he even says he regrets it. Which hurts in itself but I know the comments are coming from a place of helplessness and frustration. But this swearing an aggression hasn't just happened because of the new baby..I am at a loss...I mean I am meant to have the next 2 years off work if he leaves because I hold a mirror up to his behaviour I don't know how we will figure this all out. I feel so sick and over it...it shouldn't be like this.

  6. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    You know what? I've sworn at my kids. When DD was a baby I called her every name under the sun. It doesn't make me a bad parent, just one who wasn't coping at all.
    Seriously, if it was a BH mum saying 'I'm not coping, I just can't deal with my kids and DH is constantly criticising me' the responses would be very different to 'you are verbally abusing your children'
    I do get what you're saying. I think swearing at is different from the examples given here which to me are more like putdowns, but I can put my hand up and say I've also done my fair share of midnight swearing *around* my baby :-)

    So in your experience, when you were in that headset, would you have been willing to try to stop/go to counselling if it was distressing your DP?

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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    Well I would have been homeless if I had procreated with you
    Seriously how about a bit of compassion, folks. Not everyone deals with newborns with coos and smiles.
    I think there is not dealing with kids and asking for help like an adult. Or having a fit and calling your child a c7nt or re7ard. Completely different things.

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  9. #16
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    But the OP says that her DH agrees that it's wrong and he should stop. He's not saying 'I have the right to swear at them and you won't stop me'
    I don't know, counselling isn't for everyone. DP made me go to counselling because he told me quite frankly that he didn't trust me around the kids alone (that was an awful, awful thing to hear). But it's actually not the answer for everyone. There has to be compromise on both sides. I wonder if the OP has asked her DH what he thinks they should do. Not implying that she hasn't, genuinely wondering. If he's really saying 'I won't change so get used to it' then that is sad and seems like a bit of a lost cause. But it sounds to me like he's asked her to be more of a partner to him, and I wonder if she's tried to do that or asked him how she can.
    It just makes me sad that there's no understanding a lot of the time that depression doesn't always present as crying in bed, for lots of people (mostly men but hey me too) it presents as anger. It's not merely a case of 'he has to stop swearing and being immature'
    I'm not necessarily saying the OP's DH is depressed, but he certainly sounds like he's not coping well.

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  11. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by HappyBovine View Post
    That's a shame. Having gone through divorce, I can say that if you delay counselling until one of you is ready to walk out the door then it is probably too late to salvage the marriage. If you go when you still love each other, but have issues that you can't work through on your own, then you are in with a chance.

    Having said that, his behaviour is way out of line and I wouldn't tolerate anyone speaking to my children like that.

    Does he speak to you like that as well? Are you able to give him constructive criticism over anything else? or does only say you are attacking him when you bring up his parenting?

    If the only issue is his parenting he may benefit from doing a a positive parenting course.
    No he doesn't speak to me like that at all. That's the thing he even says it's not you I'm talking to... Like I shouldn't be worried or offended because it's not directed at me so why am I worried...really silly thought process...he just doesn't get that kids are little sponges...it's like it will only hit home once our three year old repeats his words back at him. It's so disappointing that it's come to this I know he is stressed and not coping but he also hasn't made any attempt to stop after us arguing about this constantly. He is a proud man and says that he is giving 100% of himself to being a parent and doing his best...he thinks I am being holier than though and better than him by telling him off for his outbursts. I just don't know if we can parent together and instead of blaming his own behaviour he blames the kids for ruining our marriage as before then I was on his side and we were a team...I wish he could see it's not us and them.

  12. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lincolns mummy View Post
    I think there is not dealing with kids and asking for help like an adult. Or having a fit and calling your child a c7nt or re7ard. Completely different things.
    But I didn't ask for help 'like an adult'. And I did have fits and call my baby a c7nt. I fail to see any difference.

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    This thread makes me sad mostly because your DH Fuddy and you FL sound just like my DH..who I recently separated from. In hindsight, I truly wish I had been a more supportive partner when our children were toddlers. Parenting is really really hard, when you have babies/toddlers in the house, and it is a hard transition from being a carefree couple to co-parents. My DH struggled, and as FL mentioned, his lack of coping came across as anger. I wish that instead of getting on my high horse and telling him off like a child when he was carrying on I had said "I can see you are really struggling, go take a breather, let me help for a minute".
    I don't know, I'm not a swearer, he is, and while I still wouldn't like anyone to swear at or in company on my kids, I truly wish I had been more compassionate, and understanding. .and yes, a better partner and team mate

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  15. #20
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    @FearlessLeader how did you get past that point? I'm assuming that now you aren't swearing at your kids so much so perhaps whatever you did ir your DH did would help OP's partner.


 

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