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    Default Arguments about parenting leading to divorce

    Has this happened for anyone... My Husband and I just had our second child 6 weeks ago. We have a 3 year old too. It's been stressful. We are arguing like crazy about parenting and the way he handles things...the issue is him swearing at and around and about the kids. I hate it and I tell him so and it then leads into continuous arguments about me telling him how to raise the kids and me belittling him... It's getting bad. I don't know what to do...he said he would watch his swearing and agrees but it still doesn't change...he thinks I have totally forgotten him as a team mate and all I care about is the kids...there is so much more but things feel like it's escalating. I will delete later but I need help...part of me just want to give up.

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    My DH sometimes swears in front of our son accidentally but he would never do it on purpose or at him. To be honest, I don't think I'd stay with someone who was constantly verbally abusing my child.
    Yes, you are a team but there are some things that are not debatable IMO and if he doesn't think that he's wrong there's not much else you can do.

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    So he's defending his right to swear at and around your kids and you questioning that doesn't make you a team mate? I would turn it around on him and say he's the one not being the team mate by continuing to do it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    So he's defending his right to swear at and around your kids and you questioning that doesn't make you a team mate? I would turn it around on him and say he's the one not being the team mate by continuing to do it.
    That's exactly what I have said to him... I wonder when it will get through his head. Stopping the swearing and asking him to can only be a good thing. He always throws back at me that he "never" questions my parenting and never makes comments on my parenting even if he doesn't agree on it because he has my back always no matter what...

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    I guess for me it partly depends on how he is swearing at the kids. Like if he is calling them names that's not on, but if he's saying stuff like 'stop jumping on the f***ing couch!' Then I think you need to go a bit easier on him. I swear, a lot. Especially when extra stressed. You say you're both very stressed at the moment, I think in times of stress you need to acknowledge that the other parent is also stressed and allow them some slack. He wouldn't like that he swears so much, it probably doesn't help how he's feeling if you're constantly going on about it too.
    I think talking about divorce is pretty drastic. It might be time to take a step back and try to remember that you're meant to be partners, and try to help each other through this hard time instead of fighting each other.

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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    I guess for me it partly depends on how he is swearing at the kids. Like if he is calling them names that's not on, but if he's saying stuff like 'stop jumping on the f***ing couch!' Then I think you need to go a bit easier on him. I swear, a lot. Especially when extra stressed. You say you're both very stressed at the moment, I think in times of stress you need to acknowledge that the other parent is also stressed and allow them some slack. He wouldn't like that he swears so much, it probably doesn't help how he's feeling if you're constantly going on about it too.
    I think talking about divorce is pretty drastic. It might be time to take a step back and try to remember that you're meant to be partners, and try to help each other through this hard time instead of fighting each other.
    This is the millionth time we have had this argument. It's not just swearing around the kids it's swearing at them and also calling names "retard" "little ****" the baby was crying a lot while I was cooking dinner after me taking her off him she was a "*****" and a c**t. He just flips out. It's disgusting I hate it and I hate my three year old hearing him act like a teenager throwing a tantrum. He is such a good husband in many other ways works hard, does heaps around the house looks after our three year old while I have the new baby. But he is also only happy when the kids are well behaved.. He is tough on our three year old and I guess he is well behaved because of it but when my husband is at the end of his patience the parenting is verbally aggressive. I hate it. A lot of the time I jump in take over and tell him to stop which he hates but I can't help. He says it undermines him. I have tried to just let him do what he does for the sake of not rocking the boat but I can't help it as it's not right. He just does not handle kids well and seeing this side of him has really ruined a lot of my feelings towards him as the behaviour is just so immature as he is the adult dealing with the toddler and should be able to handle himself better or walk away. He says that this is him and how he handles things and can't change...he is sick of having the same argument and is seriously considering separating over it.

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    Default Arguments about parenting leading to divorce

    He thinks that if our marriage gets to the point of needing counselling it's already over..

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    This actually sounds like more than an argument about swearing as presented in the OP and which I think FL was responding to.

    Swearing at a child in that way is actually abusive. So I can see why you would be considering separation. Particularly as he is unwilling to change his behaviour. Fwiw I think your 3 yo needs to see you stick up for him to understand that your husbands behaviour is not on. He is the child and needs your protection. Your husband doesn't like being challenged - well that is his problem not yours.

    To answer your original question, my ex and I have fundamental differences in our parenting, but even though we are separated we still work hard to compromise on issues that are more important to one of us than the other. This is clearly important to you, and understandably so, and I would be questioning the relationship in the same way that you are.

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    It sounds like he's really not coping with the stress. I just wonder whether there's a better way for you to approach it with him rather than arguing or just telling him to stop. Maybe you could try saying- 'I know you get really stressed when the kids are playing up, if you feel your stress levels rising let me know and you can walk away to take a breather' I know it doesn't feel fair that you will be dealing with the kids constantly, but after DD I had pnd and just couldn't cope with the kids at all sometimes, and DP had to shoulder a lot more than usual.
    It sounds as if he's asking you to help him out rather than just constantly criticise. He knows what he's doing is wrong but for whatever reason can't change it. He's told you that criticising isn't helping, so I think you need to take a new approach.

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    You know what? I've sworn at my kids. When DD was a baby I called her every name under the sun. It doesn't make me a bad parent, just one who wasn't coping at all.
    Seriously, if it was a BH mum saying 'I'm not coping, I just can't deal with my kids and DH is constantly criticising me' the responses would be very different to 'you are verbally abusing your children'

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