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  1. #11
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    Oh I remember you and Sian from a few years ago Honestly, I would be upfront and say something to her, given the history of your friendship. It's all a part of your grieving process and she needs to understand that.
    I'm sure she is not leaving Sian out to hurt you and if she knew how you felt and what it means to you, she would start to include her.

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  3. #12
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    I agree with the PP's, talk to your friend. I have a close-ish friend who lost a baby, and although I often think about her baby, I don't often talk to her about it, and would hate to think I was upsetting her by not bringing it up or not writing her name on cards etc.
    I can't imagine your friend is doing this intentionally.

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    I also remember the loss of your beautiful DD and think of you and wonder how you are these days. I agree with the others, I'd just be honest about it. It probably isn't a malicious thing at all. People who haven't been though grief often just don't know how to deal with it, so they don't say anything at all. Just mention it to her that Sian is still a part of your family and always will be, and you appreciate when she is included in cards.

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  6. #14
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    If you were very close with her, and her son was good friends with Sian, maybe it's all still hard and sad for her too. I would just tell her how you feel. I'm sure she wouldn't be doing it to upset you.

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    Quote Originally Posted by DarcyJ View Post
    If you were very close with her, and her son was good friends with Sian, maybe it's all still hard and sad for her too. I would just tell her how you feel. I'm sure she wouldn't be doing it to upset you.
    I was going to say this. Maybe this is her coping mechanism given she/her son were so close to Sian. It may create lots of hurt and angst to sign every card to Sian.

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  10. #16
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    Hi siansmum...this topic makes me very sad.
    I suppose the only thing I want to contribute to this discussion is to be kinder to yourself by being ok with your friend addressing your family the way she does.

    The truth is that you can't control what other people do, you can only control your reactions to them, and if your friend is as close as you say, I'm sure she would give you her sympathy, support and shoulder to cry on any day of the week. It sounds like a close friendship that I wouldn't want to lose if it were mine.

    Maybe try being ok with it, secure in the knowledge that Sian isn't forgotten just because she isn't written on a card, and that the majority of your friends and family do include Sian on the cards.
    If I had to take a guess, it would be that your friend probably finds it quite confronting to address your angel the way it used to be and probably makes her uncomfortable to write it. Maybe she is best giving her support to you in other ways, rather than in a way that unsettles her.

    If you forgive her and accept how she addresses cards, you will feel less pain and upset over it.

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    I agree that you should speak with her openly about it- I'm sure once she knows how much It means she will apologise and begin signing Sian on cards from now on.

    So sorry for your loss x

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    its so hard for you. She is still a part of your family - and she always will be.

    But I do agree with others - perhaps she doesnt realise how much it hurts you that she doesnt include Sian. I would talk to her - or get someone close to you both to talk to her if you cant.


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    Hi Sian's Mum (M*** or C****!) :-) I don't know grief like yours and I too think of you often - I am trying to put myself in your friend's shoes and this is what I came up with. I can't find the exact words but I hope you will understand what I mean.

    I think I would feel like it was your 'right' and not my 'right' to mention your daughter's name. When you do it, it is in context and you know it's coming. I think I would worry that if you randomly received a card/note without expecting it it might be jolting or upsetting to see her name. I don't know if I've explained that properly.

    I am very clumsy and uncomfortable with acknowledging the profound loss that others experience. It doesn't mean that I don't care - far from it in fact. More that I don't want my actions to seem tokenistic, and I don't know to extent my own feelings are allowed to be expressed...

    My best strategy for talking about things like this is to open with 'I've noticed xyz and I don't really know how to interpret it. Can you help me understand?' I really hope you find the courage to talk about it, because I can imagine how hurtful it would be to you.

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    Quote Originally Posted by harvs View Post
    Hi Sian's Mum (M*** or C****!) :-) I don't know grief like yours and I too think of you often - I am trying to put myself in your friend's shoes and this is what I came up with. I can't find the exact words but I hope you will understand what I mean.

    I think I would feel like it was your 'right' and not my 'right' to mention your daughter's name. When you do it, it is in context and you know it's coming. I think I would worry that if you randomly received a card/note without expecting it it might be jolting or upsetting to see her name. I don't know if I've explained that properly.

    I am very clumsy and uncomfortable with acknowledging the profound loss that others experience. It doesn't mean that I don't care - far from it in fact. More that I don't want my actions to seem tokenistic, and I don't know to extent my own feelings are allowed to be expressed...

    My best strategy for talking about things like this is to open with 'I've noticed xyz and I don't really know how to interpret it. Can you help me understand?' I really hope you find the courage to talk about it, because I can imagine how hurtful it would be to you.
    Very well put. You explained it perfectly

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