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  1. #1
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    Default Advice needed on a sensitive issue.

    Hello ladies, I'm after some advice on an issue that is really hurting me (and my husband). As many of you know, in May 2012, our beautiful little girl passed away from an asthma attack. From the night Sian left us, we decided that we would continue to sign her name as 'Angel Sian' on every card or letter that was sent by us, as although she's no longer here with us on earth, she is still our daughter and our little boy's big sister. Every year I include a photo of Sian and Dane on our Christmas card (as I always did) - this year it was a photo of Dane holding a photo of Sian. I always sign our cards (birthday, Christmas, Thank Yous, etc) with 'M***, C*****, Dane and Angel Sian'. Let me just add that it's not just us who have decided to do this. Every month we meet with other bereaved parents at a support group and they all continue to include their Angel child's name on their cards, so I know that it's not something 'weird or bizarre' that only us are doing.

    Many of our family and friends include Sian's name on anything they send us, but we have one friend (actually a family, but like us all, it's the wife who writes the cards) who has never ever included Sian in any of the cards they've sent us and it's really starting to eat at us (me in particular). Her little boy was Sian's best friend at Early Intervention and she was the friend we called to come and look after Dane the night Sian died, so she has been a close friend. She was extremely supportive in the weeks following Sian leaving us, but our contact has dropped off to texts and the occasional catchup every few months.

    It has now got to the point that I just throw their Christmas card out without opening it because it upsets me too much to open it and not see Sian's name listed beside ours. She always makes reference to Sian at Christmas time - something like 'we remember Sian at this time of the year', but that is not enough for us. We want her name included beside ours and surely by us signing her name, we're telling people we want her included. I just don't know how to get the message across to this friend. We exchange birthday presents between her and I and our children and again, I always sign Sian's name on the cards, but today we received a 'Thank You' note from one of her children (she'd written it and he signed his name), and yet again, Sian's name was missing I'm now at the point that I'm just fuming and so very very hurt. What do I do? Can anyone offer any help? Thank you

  2. #2
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    Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss xx

    Could u maybe do a general fb thing that she would see? Something like Thank you to all our friends and family who continue to include Sian's name on our cards, it means a great deal to us to have her name always included. Obviously worded however works best for you but maybe if she sees it she might realise

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  4. #3
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    I am so sorry for your loss.
    I would just be honest with her and ask that she includes Sian on cards etc because as always, she is part of your family.

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    I am so sorry for the loss of your girl.

    I guess because you were once really close to this person I would just raise it honestly `It really means a lot to us to have people continue to include Sian in cards and letters'.

    I think the fact that you do include her name on your own correspondence should be enough to indicate to everyone you want them to do the same, but I think you might need to raise it with your friend.

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    I don't suspect your friend intends any kind of hurt or malice when she doesn't write Sian's name.

    I would have a little chat to her about it. Just let her know that you appreciate her gestures and ask if she could please remember to include Sian on cards and the like in future because it means a lot to you and your family to have her acknowledged.

    Maybe she finds it hard to write her name down because it's painful for her? Or she thinks in some way it might make you sad? I don't know.

    I for one will never forget your Angel Sian. Thinking of her as I type brings a tear to my eye

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  10. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by grumpysmurf View Post
    Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss xx

    Could u maybe do a general fb thing that she would see? Something like Thank you to all our friends and family who continue to include Sian's name on our cards, it means a great deal to us to have her name always included. Obviously worded however works best for you but maybe if she sees it she might realise
    Unfortunately, she's not on FB, so the message that I did send out last year, never got to her

  11. #7
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    hi siansmum. so very sorry for your loss. since this a close friend, i would suggest you speak with her directly. it is important for you to acknowledge your dear daughter, and you actually apprieciate it when others also acknowledge Sian. perhaps you friend thinks it may upset you to be reminded all the time about your daughters passing, perhaps she thinks you 'have gotten over it' by now. I know that that is a stupid and totally wrong thing to think, but some people who have not expierenced grief do think that. i would make a direct contact, face to face with her, and just tell her how you are feeling. hugs, marie.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mod-Degrassi View Post
    I don't suspect your friend intends any kind of hurt or malice when she doesn't write Sian's name.

    I would have a little chat to her about it. Just let her know that you appreciate her gestures and ask if she could please remember to include Sian on cards and the like in future because it means a lot to you and your family to have her acknowledged.

    Maybe she finds it hard to write her name down because it's painful for her? Or she thinks in some way it might make you sad? I don't know.

    I for one will never forget your Angel Sian. Thinking of her as I type brings a tear to my eye
    Thank you so much for continuing to think of Sian. That means the world to me - it really does.

    My feeling is that her way of thought is - Sian's no longer here, so she shouldn't be included in cards, etc. Surely though, that's our call to make, not hers. It may upset her to write Sian's name, but it's nowhere near the hurt and upset that we feel every time we receive a card from her and her family and our daughter's name is missing. Also, I think that us writing her name should tell her that not only is it ok for people to include Sian, but it's actually what we as a family want.

    I feel sick about it all, but as we come up to Sian's third anniversary, I just don't think I can put up with it any longer. I know I risk losing the friendship though.

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    I would be honest. She might not realise, and I suspect she doesn't intentionally mean to hurt you.

    If she is a close friend that you want to remain in contact with, tell her - not everyone reads/feels/sees things the same as others.

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    I don't have advice but I think including her in your kids is such a wonderful and beautiful thing to do. I believe in angels.

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