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  1. #1
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    Default Help with finding the words..

    Hi all.

    Im a (newly) single mum to 1 x 5 year old girl & I need help.

    For the first couple of weeks her father was fairly attentive, now he wont answer our calls.

    My daughter is finding this especially hard. I just keep telling her he is working & we will talk to him soon but she knows how to call him so will do so without asking me & leave him numerous voice mail messages (that he doesnt return)

    I've called his work & 1 of his friends who have confirmed he is fine (I know nothing horrible has happened to him) have asked them to ask him to call me & he hasn't.

    DD is experiencing a whole range of emotions from tears, confusion, and anger and I am struggling to find the right words to explain to her what is happening.

    She loves our new house & all the time I now have for her. She is making new friends too, she just misses her dad.

    What do I do? What do I say? I know he will stick his head up at some point.. what do I do when that happens?

    Its not fair to make her grieve like this & then just reappear.. That said he has traveled alot throughout her life so its not like he was always around & has just vanished. Shes just not buying my explanations this time.

    I've told her that mum & dad are going to live seperatly now, that we both love her very much, that she'll get to spend time at both of our houses & thats exciting because now she's one of those kids with two of everything! 2 houses, 2 beds, 2 families..

    What more can I say to her?
    What did you find helped your children understand your seperation?

  2. #2
    harvs's Avatar
    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
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    Hi and welcome to the hub!

    I have to leave for work now but I will come back later and offer some thoughts. I can also offer some insight from the perspective of a 5 year old girl who went through the same thing if that will be helpful to you?

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    Thank you so much & yes please!

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    My son has only ever known this life. We have never really lived together with my son. He has given me some conversations to keep me on my toes however. I have found keep it simple and keep it honest to work best.

    Don't make 'promises' you can't keep, ie you will talk to him soon, kids don't process like we do, instead tell her age appropriate truths and if you don't know, its okay to tell her that too. You don't have to know everything, you don't have to try to fix everything.

    You will get through this.

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    I agree ^^ don't make any promises on his behalf. It will only lead to more disappointment.
    I think just having someone acknowledge feelings helps a lot. For eg. "I don't know when dad will ring, I know it must be sad for you, I wish I could make it better".

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    BerryDelicious  (24-02-2015),Gold  (04-03-2015),LaDiDah  (20-02-2015)

  9. #6
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    Default Help with finding the words..

    Sorry to take so long to respond OP. I agree with what others have said. Your daughter needs to almost have twice as much trust in you because unfortunately it seems like her father is going to let her down more often than not.

    What you have said sounds perfect. Along with ensuring you never bad mouth him, letting her know that he loves her (if this is true), and yes, being honest that you don't know where he is, why he doesn't answer etc.

    My dad was/is terrible at corresponding. My mum used to simply say 'he's just not very good at keeping in touch darling, but it has nothing to do with how much he loves you.' As I get older I find that harder to believe as he hasn't been in touch with me for 14 years including when he became a grandfather. I mean - yes, clearly he's rubbish at staying in touch but I don't possibly see how he could love me after barely being in my life for 30 years. But as a child it meant a great deal to me and brought me comfort.

    The key I think is to be stable. She will go through stages of loving him, rejecting him, wanting only him, wanting nothing to do with him, and some of those stages may hurt you because you have always been there and he hasn't, but she needs to know you will always be there to come back to. I hope that makes sense.

    The right words are that however she feels about him is ok. But your message needs to be the same always - he loves her. He loves her, he loves her, he loves her.

    Unfortunately in my experience you can't force him to be reliable, but I also would try hard to set boundaries. Are you amicable enough to set up a parenting agreement?

    My FOB and I have an informal one, but I don't trust him for a second to stick to it if something better comes along, so I will be getting something formalised soon. If nothing else it will become clear to your daughter later in life that you tried and were the consistent and generous parent.

    This is very jumbled. Sorry. I channeled myself back to that five year old girl that lost faith in her daddy and it made me lose my focus a bit. I hope it makes a bit of sense to you though.

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    Thank you mummies. I really appricate your advice. I changed the words I used when speaking to her last night & had mixed reactions but I think we are moving in the right direction.

    Just to catch you up to speed since the OP;
    *XH answered our call the other night & they had a good brief chat. He said he would call again thursday.
    *Police took out an avo which went to court and was granted (he can still make contact, he just can't stalk, make threats or harress)
    *bedtime last night he still hadnt called. Dd refused to go to bed 'because its thursday night & dad said he would call on thursday & he hasnt called & im not going to bed until he calls & why hasnt he called yet & where is he?!" (And tears..)

    I told her I didn't know where he was or why he hasn't called. I know he said he would call tonight but it's late & he hasnt & I don't think he will (this = more tears & questions)

    She asked me to call him & leave him a message which I did in front of her (just saying it was me, and dd was expecting his call tonight & shes upset you havnt called & please call/text when you get this"

    Of course he didn't. But DD really appricated me doing this I think (I dont normally speak to him, she does all the talking from hello to goodbye)

    I reminded her that he does love her very much (I know he does, might be in a limited & selfish capacity but he does love her as much as he can) and that I dont know why he doesn't call & not to worry because mummy will never leave her, even when your 50 and married with kids & telling me to go home, I'll say 'nope im staying here and smother you with kisses' (which she thought was helarious)

    Also decided to delete his number off my phone as she doesn't know the number just knows how to click dad & call. This way she cant call him. I'm not going to mention him any more either. I'll try & call him every now & then & if he does answer, then ask her if she'd like to chat. Can't think of anything else to do..
    Last edited by BerryDelicious; 27-02-2015 at 07:05.


 

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