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  1. #41
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    You paying for half their expenses at her house......is that an agreement your DP made with his ex? Or is it in consent orders? If there is nothing, why is he still paying it if he can't afford it? Makes no sense to me.

    Seems if you stop paying this most of your concerns will go away.

    If your DP talked with his ex about the activities and came to an agreement of how many he will contribute to per term, it might be better for you. Then anything on top of that she pays for out of her income.

    ETA did he get any legal advice before agreeing to this?
    We have recently been in a long, involved custody battle and I can't see ever being told to agree to something like that!
    Last edited by PomPoms; 16-02-2015 at 13:17.

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  3. #42
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    Subbing, be back after witching hour

  4. #43
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    Fwiw though no way you will be legally required to cover 1/2 of school costs, 1/2 of mothers in home costs and child support

    It'll be child support and maybe 1/2 of school costs if both parents agreed to send dd there

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  6. #44
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    I believe CS should cover half of the basic needs of the child for eg food, clothes, school/kinder & medical expenses.

    DS is 5 & we receive $100 per month in CS. For 3 years it was $0. It clearly doesn't cover the costs of my sons basic needs. He also refused to put any money towards clothes, kinder or school uniform for prep. He did pay the basic amount of school fees ($200) for the year because I cracked at him not paying a cent towards anything for years. he wanted me to go halves after everything I've paid for & him not put a cent towards!

    I wish ex would help with extra curriculum activities as we can't afford them, but he says "how do I know your going to take him & not just take my money!"

    Sorry this topic is quite emotive for me fighting for years to get ex to be a father and help raise his own son! He wants him every 2nd weekend but doesn't want the cost associated with raising a child.

    My fiancée, DS step dad, basically has stepped in since DS was 2 to help with the costs and all ex says is "he's a good man for helping" well why doesn't he then? Grr!

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  8. #45
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    Part 2: your hubby needs to grill his ex about the music lessons and not his kid.

    Don't cancel anything without talking to her - there might be a reasonable excuse (eg they find mornings difficult when they originally thought it wouldn't be a problem, bio mum thinks her daughter has too much in her plate, the kid doesn't really want to go and is only saying she does because your hubby seems so excited by it).

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  10. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by DT75 View Post
    My bold- here is the basis of most of our problems. We never know what they are doing, until we have to take them to an activity. Or until we get an invoice. There is no discussion, she just signs the up, gives them our details for payment, and we deal with it.
    Well that would be the cherry on top for me. Getting a random invoice for an activity that wasn't discussed with us prior, and being nominated to pay it, without so much as a "I'm thinking of signing little johnny up for xyz" would drive me wild. That's just so inconsiderate. What if you had extra expenses that month and couldn't afford it? I would be looking to go to a mediation session, and if she won't do that I'd be taking (very civil) steps to introduce a lawyer and get things in writing.

  11. #47
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    they cant charge you for an activity if YOU havent signed the child up for it, go to the school and tell them the problem, if you get sent an invoice return it with a note please show where I agreed to these terms and conditions

    and in my personal experience child support covers diddly squat lol
    but the amount is based on income and is ment to help bridge the 'income gap' between a childs two family homes

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  13. #48
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    The CSA formula is designed to calculate an amount that covers all children costs including rent etc based on income of the parents. My ex got the house so does not pay rent so effectively I pay too much. Such is life.

    We share custody 50:50 so effectively child support I pay is designed to cover costs when my ex has custody. I then pay when I have custody. However, in practice, we split major activity costs 50:50 to avoid arguments on activity shifting where all activities get arranged on one parent's time.

    I think any split of costs after child support is paid should be based on the share of time to reflect. So if you have them 100% of the time you pay 100% of costs.
    Last edited by Threekids; 16-02-2015 at 21:07.

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    DT75  (17-02-2015)

  15. #49
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    My Cs goes into the mix of money I get . Work and Centrelink. I don't specifically say its for this or that . When my son needs something he gets it. He doesn't miss out. He gets what he needs before I get my play money.

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    DT75  (17-02-2015)

  17. #50
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    @LotusMum fair point. We would have them more in a heartbeat (and not to cut costs!) but she won’t hear of it.

    @FrothyFrog no her income is higher than DH’s.

    @Cheerilee it is an agreement between DH and the mother. There are no official orders- not even custody ones. Because, technically, he can afford it- with me. Now that we are having major issues with the mother, we have realised that we are in part to blame, as we have been letting her walk over us. Yes, he did get legal advice. He felt bad about leaving, and wanted to do all he could.

    @HappyBovine she earns more than DH though, but he pays CS.
    Yes, we know we are paying above, and always have known. If we don’t pay them, neither does she and the kids get asked to pass bills on and it upsets them. So DH covers pretty much anything their mother says needs to be covered.
    We have not been able to find a tutor who will do fortnightly lessons, so it had to be weekly. The only way of ensuring that DSD attends at least some of them (we assumed most, unless ill) is to have them near school. As OOSH ensures that she is reminded to go.
    We have them every second weekend, and one weekday every second week (the week preceeding our weekend, so it’s the same week- “our week” she calls it) which changes.
    Extracurricular activities have always been a problem. She just doesn’t care what we think. She signs them up it gets paid for (she puts the deposit down), so we have to take them, “otherwise the children will be upset, as I have told them they can do it.”
    I am happy with CS’ updated amount ($500) as a basis. So is DH. It’s all the extras that are making things hard.

    @Pusheen The Cat DH’s ex tells people he does stuff like this. Says he doesn’t pay CS. The school contacted us at one point as they were concerned. We showed them bank statements and now they ignore her (she wasn’t paying her half of fees and saying it was because DH wasn’t paying CS).
    I am sorry that your ex is so difficult and I understand that this is a very emotive topic. We really are trying to do what is best for the kids, but that doesn’t mean we get run over.

    @VicPark DH hasn’t said anything to DSD about the lessons, really. She brought the topic up with us, we double-checked what she was saying, and DH contacted the tutor to confirm. DH then contacted his ex.

    @#Mama It has been going on for years, and it was only about two years ago that I realised it was not the norm, and that we were justified in feeling angry. Of course we want the kids to do activities they like. But if we have to pay for, and transport them to, the activity, then we should be included in the process.

    @ThenThereWereThree the school bills us for the 50% we have signed for. They have contacted us in the past, saying DH’s ex wasn’t paying her share. He made it clear that was not his business and they needed to pursue it with her only. For activities, she gives them our contact details with hers, and puts DH down as ‘Father’… they don’t know our situation so just contact us, and send invoices.

    I think I got everyone? Sorry it has taken me so long to respond, we spent yesterday in the hospital with DSS. Without going into details (as it’s mostly not relevant) DH’s ex may now be investigated by DOCS- the hospital contacted them.

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