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  1. #21
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    Hmmm I have really mixed feelings on this. In the past I would think that you could teach children this but now I don't. I think we are looking at the symptoms not the cause. I myself become very agitated when people try to "teach" me because I had an over baring mother(bless her I know she was only doing the best she knew) who was always fixing my problems and fighting my battles even when I didn't need her to and it made me not know how to do things with out her. As a result I gravitated towards a partner of her temperement who acted very much like my Mum and it drove us both crazy.

    I've read a lot about white knight/ Florence Nightingale syndrome and I think the onus is very much on those type of people to stopping trying to fix people for their own self gratification as much as it is on the abusive person they feel drawn to. Victim and abuser don't meet by chance its their personalities that are drawn to each other.

    If you raise a child to always listen to your advice and not think for themselves and learn from natural consequences then they are more likely to fall into a victim model. Unfortunately for people in victim mode no sense or logic is reasonable and I know because I've been there.

    You are best teaching children how to read situations and think for themselves... Part of that though is letting go and knowing pain and mistakes are crucial things to learn so you don't continuously repeat learned behavior.

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    It has come up naturally in conversation in our house.

    We live near the Allison Baden-Clay memorial and drive past it a lot. So the kids have asked what that is about. We talked about the circumstances surrounding her death. My DDs reactions was "maybe she was getting old and he wanted a new wife" , I was mortified!

    I don't actually bring it up myself and 'teach them'.

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  4. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by peanutmonkey View Post
    This is huge and something ive been thinking about a lot lately too, (dont know if you watch switched at birth?)
    I do. It's made me think a lot about it too. I'm glad that they are showing storylines like this one.

  5. #24
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    Sub. My parents never talked to me about it. I've never thought about it tbh.

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    To an extent... i watched my step dad hit my mum while I was staying with them on holidays once, i was about 11 or 12. I watched her try to hide the shame and embarrassment as she packed the car with as much as she could fit. My step dad hugged me and said sorry for hitting her, but never apologised to her. He just walked out and went drinking. Mum didn't end up leaving. She told me it was to much of a drive and wouldn't be fair on the other girls (my step dads daughters from his 1st marriage who were also staying with them at the time). I didnt totally understand what had happened, but to this day I still remember knowing it was wrong and feeling an overwhelming urge to protect my mum. It wasn't until I was older, maybe late high school that I really learned about DV. And thats because I was in an abusive relationship myself. At 16. My mum explained what it meant, why my boyfriend was doing and acting the way he was (emotional abuse which quickly escalated to physical). It was then she told me just some of the horrific things my step dad had done to her. I asked her why she didnt leave and her answer was she was too tired. She didnt have the strength. I was lucky, I was still so young and fiesty that I didnt let my boyfriend walk over me. Once I was aware of what his behaviour was, I cut all contact. I couldn't understand why mum didn't have that strength. Then my dh came along. And the abuse started again. This time, I was away from all my support, he had totally isolated me, and had run me down so much i started accepting it as the norm. People warned me, but i just couldn't see a way out and part of me didnt want to believe it. I finally understood what my mum meant about being too tired to leave.

    We dont really discuss DV with our girls... but I will as they get older and start entering the world of relationships. I have kind of touched on the subject with dd1, but thats more friends emotionally bribing her or playing mind games with her. Thankfully she was too young to remember now what she saw between dh and I. And its not like that now.

    Anyway sorry for the ramble. In answer to the original question... no I haven't really but I will.

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    Quote Originally Posted by SheWarrior View Post
    To an extent... i watched my step dad hit my mum while I was staying with them on holidays once, i was about 11 or 12. I watched her try to hide the shame and embarrassment as she packed the car with as much as she could fit. My step dad hugged me and said sorry for hitting her, but never apologised to her. He just walked out and went drinking. Mum didn't end up leaving. She told me it was to much of a drive and wouldn't be fair on the other girls (my step dads daughters from his 1st marriage who were also staying with them at the time). I didnt totally understand what had happened, but to this day I still remember knowing it was wrong and feeling an overwhelming urge to protect my mum. It wasn't until I was older, maybe late high school that I really learned about DV. And thats because I was in an abusive relationship myself. At 16. My mum explained what it meant, why my boyfriend was doing and acting the way he was (emotional abuse which quickly escalated to physical). It was then she told me just some of the horrific things my step dad had done to her. I asked her why she didnt leave and her answer was she was too tired. She didnt have the strength. I was lucky, I was still so young and fiesty that I didnt let my boyfriend walk over me. Once I was aware of what his behaviour was, I cut all contact. I couldn't understand why mum didn't have that strength. Then my dh came along. And the abuse started again. This time, I was away from all my support, he had totally isolated me, and had run me down so much i started accepting it as the norm. People warned me, but i just couldn't see a way out and part of me didnt want to believe it. I finally understood what my mum meant about being too tired to leave.

    We dont really discuss DV with our girls... but I will as they get older and start entering the world of relationships. I have kind of touched on the subject with dd1, but thats more friends emotionally bribing her or playing mind games with her. Thankfully she was too young to remember now what she saw between dh and I. And its not like that now.

    Anyway sorry for the ramble. In answer to the original question... no I haven't really but I will.


    You're story is very very classic of generational leanrt behaviour. I had to realise like my Mum the part of me that wanted to help people was the part that was getting me into abusive situations. Once you enter into a relationship with an abusive person it's very very difficult to leave especially because your personality type as a fixer is driven to fix and protect. I had to do a lot of re wiring for that.

    You know what i lost a lot of friends the day I decided to stand up for myself and stop helping people and letting them use me. I had to say look I am the most important person in my life because if I'm not happy or sane how can I take care of my children.

    A lot of the people that I have had abusive relationships with were drawn to me because I was a pacifier I made them feel better and they used me like a drug. I had to accept that there was something i was doing to make these people addicted to me and then upset when I couldn't give them their fix.

    I've worked a lot on assertiveness in the last year and it wasn't easy. My natural reaction is to put others first like a martyr because my Mum did the same. I had to recognise it was that behaviour my own that was so self destructive.

    When I came out the other side of my relationship I felt the other side of the coin and what it felt like to be the person needing to be rescued. I had many "fixer" type people try to help me to win my affection and it felt suffocating and wrong and I felt angry and frustrated constantly involuntarily out of control. It was then I realised how my fixing had created my abusive situations. Some people are beyond fixing and you've got to let go of it being your responsibility and put yourself first.

    I totally understand how you feel but I have worked through it and I have the most beautiful amazing positive life now. I used to cry most days but now I wake up grateful and happy to be alive everyday now and I know it's hard to turn your back on people you love but they can take care of themselves they don't need you. You need you. It hurts but you have to tell yourself if they loved you they wouldn't punish you for not being what they want you to be whenever they want you to be it.

  8. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Trusty Chords View Post


    You're story is very very classic of generational leanrt behaviour. I had to realise like my Mum the part of me that wanted to help people was the part that was getting me into abusive situations. Once you enter into a relationship with an abusive person it's very very difficult to leave especially because your personality type as a fixer is driven to fix and protect. I had to do a lot of re wiring for that.

    You know what i lost a lot of friends the day I decided to stand up for myself and stop helping people and letting them use me. I had to say look I am the most important person in my life because if I'm not happy or sane how can I take care of my children.

    A lot of the people that I have had abusive relationships with were drawn to me because I was a pacifier I made them feel better and they used me like a drug. I had to accept that there was something i was doing to make these people addicted to me and then upset when I couldn't give them their fix.

    I've worked a lot on assertiveness in the last year and it wasn't easy. My natural reaction is to put others first like a martyr because my Mum did the same. I had to recognise it was that behaviour my own that was so self destructive.

    When I came out the other side of my relationship I felt the other side of the coin and what it felt like to be the person needing to be rescued. I had many "fixer" type people try to help me to win my affection and it felt suffocating and wrong and I felt angry and frustrated constantly involuntarily out of control. It was then I realised how my fixing had created my abusive situations. Some people are beyond fixing and you've got to let go of it being your responsibility and put yourself first.

    I totally understand how you feel but I have worked through it and I have the most beautiful amazing positive life now. I used to cry most days but now I wake up grateful and happy to be alive everyday now and I know it's hard to turn your back on people you love but they can take care of themselves they don't need you. You need you. It hurts but you have to tell yourself if they loved you they wouldn't punish you for not being what they want you to be whenever they want you to be it.
    Thank you for sharing. Mum didnt raise me but I guess I absorbed enough while staying with them. Although that incident is really the only time I had ever seen them argue, normally it was all happy families while us kids were there. My whole family did a pretty good job at sheltering me from a lot.

    I guess I am not exactly clear on what your point though? I (for the most part) am very happy with my life now, I have an amazing relationship with my mum, and am very happy in my marriage (sure we have rough patches but doesn't everyone). I am loving life! Its probably the happiest I have ever truely been, not just with my relationships but with myself.

  9. #28
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    Sorry you just said then your DP came along and you couldn't leave. I didn't read anything in regards to you having resolved that. No not everyone has rough patches as all. I used to think everyone did but no they don't all. But you know that's a matter of my perspective and I don't know you all I can go from is what you wrote.

    I actually live with my ex DP now and co parent and we no longer argue or fight at all and there is no abuse. We talk about and resolve anything that comes up now by understanding the underlying psychological issues. I can't at all think of any rough points.

    But you know when people criticised him or our relationship in the past I got defensive and it was because I couldn't separate myself from him. Criticising him meant you criticised me.

  10. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by Trusty Chords View Post
    Sorry you just said then your DP came along and you couldn't leave. I didn't read anything in regards to you having resolved that. No not everyone has rough patches as all. I used to think everyone did but no they don't all. But you know that's a matter of my perspective and I don't know you all I can go from is what you wrote.

    I actually live with my ex DP now and co parent and we no longer argue or fight at all and there is no abuse. We talk about and resolve anything that comes up now by understanding the underlying psychological issues. I can't at all think of any rough points.

    But you know when people criticised him or our relationship in the past I got defensive and it was because I couldn't separate myself from him. Criticising him meant you criticised me.
    Oh ok. No we ended up separating when dd1 was almost 12 months, that lasted almost a year and then we decided to give it another shot and been together since. By rough patches I mean we get stressed with general life issues but we talk about it and move on. He isnt the same man he was back in those early days... he still slips a little every now and then but nothing major, and I quickly remind him that isnt going to happen and I wont put up with it and he pulls himself into line quick smart. The separation taught me a lot about myself and gave me a strength I nevee knew I had. I have no issue with standing up for myself when I feel i am being taken advantage of/brought down by those around me.

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    Quote Originally Posted by SheWarrior View Post
    Oh ok. No we ended up separating when dd1 was almost 12 months, that lasted almost a year and then we decided to give it another shot and been together since. By rough patches I mean we get stressed with general life issues but we talk about it and move on. He isnt the same man he was back in those early days... he still slips a little every now and then but nothing major, and I quickly remind him that isnt going to happen and I wont put up with it and he pulls himself into line quick smart. The separation taught me a lot about myself and gave me a strength I nevee knew I had. I have no issue with standing up for myself when I feel i am being taken advantage of/brought down by those around me.
    Ohhh I see sorry i used to be on this forum 9 years ago a lot and now I don't know anyone… I don't know anyones stories. I just kind of came back on because I gave up eating meat and smoking and I am trying to occupy myself in this first week… I think I actually dreamt about smoking and eating meat at the same time last night. But yeah that's awesome you guys are working on it. Not a lot of people can do that so hats off to you.


 

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