Hi, I know this kind of posts been done a bit, but I guess it's my turn. Please forgive me. This may be long. Oops sorry for crappy heading, hit send as I was fixing it!!!
I'm turning into everything I've never wanted or thought I could be. I feel like I am just failing at being a good mum. Lately I've just been full on screaming and grabbing at dd who is not far from turning three, her behaviour is testing, I yell and she laughs at me and will keep doing whatever it was she was doing. I can see its my behaviour too that is driving hers, we get stuck in that loop, and i struggle to get out of it at times. Yesterday i actually ended up smacking her. She pushed her 1yo sister face down on the flooor, i told her off, and within minutes she did it again, poor little one had been teething and was crying most of the day, so that just got me really mad to see dd1 treat dd2 like that. Dd1 was pants free so bare bum, and I left a red mark on her. She was shocked and hurt and tears came, I felt bad but glad she finally felt bad for a minute! Thats awful! I came down and she snuggled up and we had a big cuddle, and she said really bewildered 'be gentle with me mummy' I am anti smacking, was not generally smacked either growing up so mum says and didn't ever think I could, but I did! I'm tired, stressed, and constantly have my mothers voice in my head whenever dd is misbehaving... Saying I told you so... (issues with controlling, emotionally confusing mum, who also undermines my parenting.)
I just feel like Ive lost all my good ideas, good intentions and good everything. I hate myself after Ive screamed and yelled, I try telling her mum is getting mad, I say please stop, I will take xyz away if that doesn't happen. I've pushed her at times away from the baby as she's tried to sit on her head, or getting too rowdy near her, I ask to move away, stop, etc, but I've ended up shoving her to get her away from hurting her sister. It's not intentional, she's just not aware of what she's capable of doing (she's big). And my resort to physically move her, she hit her head on the floor after I pushed her away today I am not winning. And I know how on earth can I expect her to be gentle with her sister when I'm not being gentle with her?? She's started to kick her too I just get so frustrated and want her to listen. I start calm, but she's so wilful and stubborn and independent, I end up blowing my lid. And she laughs, which sets me off more! I'm trying day by day to say to myself, today I won't yell. I know talking to her about things is much better, it just seems that I've ruined her for listening to me with all my crankiness. She doesn't trust that I'm going to stay calm. I Don't blame her. She is a great kid, I. Don't want to ruin our relationship, or her there are lots of hugs n kisses and fun amongst it too.
I just feel angry, and easily ****ed off. My fuse is short. Im a Single mum, my mother is a main support person, who helps me when i need her but struggles to believe in me because my house is messy, and in her mind I'm still 16, and am not responsible enough... In her words, she's waiting for me to prove to her I am.. Which is a kick in the guts because, I've achieved some good things. I know its not true, but ****, its hard to not start to believe when things are tough Once at my mums house dd1 was buggerizing around, trying to put pjs on, but just all over the place, and I was getting frustrated, I said to mum aghhh I'm going to lose it!! Mums response was ' go on go on do it, lose it!' I do think a lot of my anger comes from me n mums relationship (getting all psychoanalysis here) and when dd1 is playing up, its like proof I'm stuffing up, and mums right. So I desperately want those behaviours to stop right now!! I do know my daughter and what works for her, it's just finding my calm and peace and untangling my head from my mum! I'll prob have a rant here just on mum at some point!! But yeah, if you've read all this, thank you!! Just struggling to find my calm. Any other pointers for dealing with ****ty behaviour that doesn't involve losing it?