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  1. #1
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    Default Feeling like I'm failing my

    Hi, I know this kind of posts been done a bit, but I guess it's my turn. Please forgive me. This may be long. Oops sorry for crappy heading, hit send as I was fixing it!!!

    I'm turning into everything I've never wanted or thought I could be. I feel like I am just failing at being a good mum. Lately I've just been full on screaming and grabbing at dd who is not far from turning three, her behaviour is testing, I yell and she laughs at me and will keep doing whatever it was she was doing. I can see its my behaviour too that is driving hers, we get stuck in that loop, and i struggle to get out of it at times. Yesterday i actually ended up smacking her. She pushed her 1yo sister face down on the flooor, i told her off, and within minutes she did it again, poor little one had been teething and was crying most of the day, so that just got me really mad to see dd1 treat dd2 like that. Dd1 was pants free so bare bum, and I left a red mark on her. She was shocked and hurt and tears came, I felt bad but glad she finally felt bad for a minute! Thats awful! I came down and she snuggled up and we had a big cuddle, and she said really bewildered 'be gentle with me mummy' I am anti smacking, was not generally smacked either growing up so mum says and didn't ever think I could, but I did! I'm tired, stressed, and constantly have my mothers voice in my head whenever dd is misbehaving... Saying I told you so... (issues with controlling, emotionally confusing mum, who also undermines my parenting.)
    I just feel like Ive lost all my good ideas, good intentions and good everything. I hate myself after Ive screamed and yelled, I try telling her mum is getting mad, I say please stop, I will take xyz away if that doesn't happen. I've pushed her at times away from the baby as she's tried to sit on her head, or getting too rowdy near her, I ask to move away, stop, etc, but I've ended up shoving her to get her away from hurting her sister. It's not intentional, she's just not aware of what she's capable of doing (she's big). And my resort to physically move her, she hit her head on the floor after I pushed her away today I am not winning. And I know how on earth can I expect her to be gentle with her sister when I'm not being gentle with her?? She's started to kick her too I just get so frustrated and want her to listen. I start calm, but she's so wilful and stubborn and independent, I end up blowing my lid. And she laughs, which sets me off more! I'm trying day by day to say to myself, today I won't yell. I know talking to her about things is much better, it just seems that I've ruined her for listening to me with all my crankiness. She doesn't trust that I'm going to stay calm. I Don't blame her. She is a great kid, I. Don't want to ruin our relationship, or her there are lots of hugs n kisses and fun amongst it too.
    I just feel angry, and easily ****ed off. My fuse is short. Im a Single mum, my mother is a main support person, who helps me when i need her but struggles to believe in me because my house is messy, and in her mind I'm still 16, and am not responsible enough... In her words, she's waiting for me to prove to her I am.. Which is a kick in the guts because, I've achieved some good things. I know its not true, but ****, its hard to not start to believe when things are tough Once at my mums house dd1 was buggerizing around, trying to put pjs on, but just all over the place, and I was getting frustrated, I said to mum aghhh I'm going to lose it!! Mums response was ' go on go on do it, lose it!' I do think a lot of my anger comes from me n mums relationship (getting all psychoanalysis here) and when dd1 is playing up, its like proof I'm stuffing up, and mums right. So I desperately want those behaviours to stop right now!! I do know my daughter and what works for her, it's just finding my calm and peace and untangling my head from my mum! I'll prob have a rant here just on mum at some point!! But yeah, if you've read all this, thank you!! Just struggling to find my calm. Any other pointers for dealing with ****ty behaviour that doesn't involve losing it?
    Last edited by Dreamer1; 07-02-2015 at 23:15. Reason: Stuffed up the heading.

  2. #2
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    Default Feeling like I'm failing my

    Bigs hugs, it's so hard sometimes. I find when I can feel myself losing It I put the kids in the pram and go for a walk, it always helps. As for your dd's behaviour, I find what works with my ds (4 in April) is I give him a warning and if he doesn't listen etc I pick him up and put him in his room and close the door. After I few minutes I go back in, get down to his level and explain why mummy is upset Etc and have a cuddle. I hope this helps and things start improving soon.
    Last edited by Happymum2; 07-02-2015 at 23:27.

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    Dreamer1  (07-02-2015),KitiK  (08-02-2015)

  4. #3
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    OP, I have a 2.5 yo and an 8 month old. I could have written your post!
    I'm not a single parent and I don't have a Mother who goades me into losing my sh!t and I still find it really, really difficult. Your DD is doing what kids do...she's not acting out because you've failed her in any way. It sounds like she just wants all of you, all the time and that's just not possible. It's okay for her to learn that there are 3 people in your family now. Go easy on yourself.

    I will come back to this thread tomorrow as my brain is mush at present.
    Last edited by Albert01; 07-02-2015 at 23:32.

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    Dreamer1  (08-02-2015)

  6. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Albert01 View Post
    OP, I have a 2.5 yo and an 8 month old. I could have written your post!
    I'm not a single parent and I don't have a Mother who goades me into losing my sh!t and I still find it really, really difficult. Your DD is doing what kids do...she's not acting out because you've failed her in any way. It sounds like she just wants all of you, all the time and that's just not possible. It's okay for her to learn that there are 3 people in your family now. Go easy on yourself.

    I will come back to this thread tomorrow as my brain is mush at present.

    Thankyou for your clarity. Even knowing someone can relate to this is good to hear, it is hard, so so hard. The beautiful moments are well worth it, but just getting through the muck with your head still held high is hard!! Thank you for clarifying her being a kid. I vive her sooo much attention, i actually feel for dd2, shes so cruisy so its easy to leave her be! So far this morning, shes head butted and kicked her sister, and ive not lost it actually, i got her to hug n kiss and say sorry, which she did for the head butt, (was an accident) the kicking i just removed the baby and went away from her, the tried to talk to her and say its not ok. though she wouldnt look at me and kept trying to distract me, i just said ill come ba k and talk to you when youre listening. Just to mention my support from mum again, in a dispute about her behaviour, I reminded mum she is only 2, her response was, 'oh and then it'll be oh she's only 3, she's only 4, she's only 5....' Etc. she did go for a walk after this and came back and hugged me and said sorry. I always knew it was going to be tough being a mum with my mum. ...I guess when I struggle, this is the stuff I fall back on.


 

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