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    Default DH expectations of labour and birth

    Hi all,

    I'm a first time mum with DD who is 4 days old so will keep my post brief.

    My birth experience was amazing from my perspective.

    Was under the care of a birth centre but when we arrived at the hospital we had to go to the delivery suite...we had hoped to do a water birth but I wasn't too fussed just happy to be at a hospital. I ended up being raced back to the birth centre in a wheel chair shortly after transition to have a water birth ... Then contractions slowed and had to go back to the delivery suite ... Made me walk, before DD was then born. Needless to say the back and forth between birth centre and delivery suite was not ideal. Both DH and the birth centre midwives were not too happy about that.

    There were also a couple of other things during birth that upset DH:
    1. Lack of professionalism of delivery suite midwives compared to birth centre midwives
    2. I had 4th deg tear and while I was in surgery DH overheard delivery suite nurses say:

    MW1 "where is X's baby?"
    mW2 "I don't know...it's the birth centre's problem not ours"

    Anyway, DH was very upset by lack of help during my labour too.

    So what I wanted to know was how did your DH cope with your labour?

    Afterwards did you have the same feelings about the experience?

    What strategies have you used to help DH come to terms with the experience?

    For me, DH was fanatic during labour, coached me on when to push and to breathe and looking at the business end of things without fear! Yet now he seems to be a little depressed about the experience even though I thought it was fantastic!

    TIA

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    SpecialPatrolGroup is offline T-rex is cranky until she gets her coffee.
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    I think birth is hard for the dads. They aren't the ones feeling the pain or doing the work, or having the ceasar. They also (generally) aren't the professionals and aren't able to take charge. They often feel like bystanders. He may feel that it is beneficial to give some feedback to the hospital on the issues that he had with the experience. It doesn't need to turn into a *thing*, but it might make him feel that he can put things behind him and get on with enjoying your bub.

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    My DP did a great job. He brought a book as he though we would be in for a long labour but it ended up being a quick one. He had never even held a baby before and was left holding DD when I had to go to theatre for a few hours.

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    I gasped out loud at the comment from the midwives about your baby. I'd be pretty damn peeved if I heard someone say that about my newborn while my wife was in surgery!

    My DH was brilliant at DS's birth. When DS was taken off to the nursery, I told DH to go with him. He's told me since that he felt useless, the professionals were working on DS and he was kind of just sitting there.

    Everyone deals with things differently, do you think it would be useful for your DH to write a letter of complaint? Even if he doesn't send it, getting those feelings out on paper might be helpful.

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    Quote Originally Posted by SpecialPatrolGroup View Post
    I think birth is hard for the dads. They aren't the ones feeling the pain or doing the work, or having the ceasar. They also (generally) aren't the professionals and aren't able to take charge. They often feel like bystanders. He may feel that it is beneficial to give some feedback to the hospital on the issues that he had with the experience. It doesn't need to turn into a *thing*, but it might make him feel that he can put things behind him and get on with enjoying your bub.
    Yes I think he should write things down and also consider writing a letter to the hospital...mostly to get it off his chest and move on. He's generally quite introverted so I'm working on him slowly to come around to the idea.

    My parents helped out on the day we were discharged and I got him to offload his frustration with the hospital to them. We've also had my ILs up and he's opened up to them too. To early to say how much that has helped because we're a little sleep deprived! But I dofeel like he's coming around to the idea of writing a letter and just keeping it to the facts.

    One thing I was thinking was whether it would be worthwhile getting him to talk to other recent new dads ... Because we'll be visiting Canberra in a few weeks time I think where we have many friends with babies to take that opportunity

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    Quote Originally Posted by Apple iPhart6 View Post
    I gasped out loud at the comment from the midwives about your baby. I'd be pretty damn peeved if I heard someone say that about my newborn while my wife was in surgery!

    My DH was brilliant at DS's birth. When DS was taken off to the nursery, I told DH to go with him. He's told me since that he felt useless, the professionals were working on DS and he was kind of just sitting there.

    Everyone deals with things differently, do you think it would be useful for your DH to write a letter of complaint? Even if he doesn't send it, getting those feelings out on paper might be helpful.
    Yeah when I came out of recovery and was reunited with DH and DD, DH did seem upset about something and wouldn't tell me what was wrong...it was only when he was driving us home that he told me! I still on a hormone high but I'm flabbergasted that offhand comments like that are happening near people who are so emotionally wired after the birth experience...just seems a little unprofessional...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mamasupial View Post
    My DP did a great job. He brought a book as he though we would be in for a long labour but it ended up being a quick one. He had never even held a baby before and was left holding DD when I had to go to theatre for a few hours.
    Wow that must have been tough on him. But I gather he's all good about it now?

    It almost makes me wonder if it's worth having a "support person" for your support person?

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    Just another random thought (should really be trying to get some sleep :P) but it seems like there needs to be something in place for birth support people too...not just about mum and bub.

    Does anyone know of anything there?

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    Quote Originally Posted by netispaghetti View Post
    Wow that must have been tough on him. But I gather he's all good about it now?

    It almost makes me wonder if it's worth having a "support person" for your support person?
    He's actually all good about it and it's me that's still upset about it.

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    My husband didnt cope too well with my DS1's labour, he couldmt handle seeing me in pain and he ended up out in the hall in tears because he wanted to make it stop. He was an amazing support to me at the time but afterwards when I found out how hard it was on him, it was a bit of a shock.

    I just talked to him about it all, asked him how he felt and just tried to be supportive of how he felt. It honestly didnt take him long to move on but he did admit when I was pregnant with DS2 that he was scared.

    Fast forward to DS2's birth and he was amazing. It was a very long and complicated and scary labour (placental abruption, poor management by medical staff which resulted in me being numb from my shoulders down and having trouble breathing, to then giving birth to DS2 while he was posterior brow presentation) but I fiund he dealt with it so much better because he knew what to expect this time around.

    By the time DS3 came along he was like an old pro at it lol.


 

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