+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 20
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Brisbane
    Posts
    1,061
    Thanks
    915
    Thanked
    664
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts

    Default Bit of a long & involved WWYD

    Hello all,

    So I have a bit of a long WWYD. I’m really feeling at a loss as to what to do & whether my feelings are valid, or whether I need to just get over them. So, here’s the situation in dot point form to try to make it clear…
    The whole story is a bit too long & involved to type out, but the main points are:
    • SIL’s have always shown a total lack of respect for DH & I. They make snarky passive aggressive comments, judge our decisions and lifestyle (they’re very ‘alternative’, DH & more ‘straight laced’ - in their view anyway!), and have acted inappropriately and really rudely at special events for us, which tarnished our memories of these special days (engagement, wedding, baby shower, DS’s first xmas and birthday).
    • SIL’s & MIL have accused me of being very rude to them because I was “too polite and quiet”…yep, really. So this is why they’re rude to me and don’t like me apparently.
    • SIL’s & MIL have accused me of making up DS’s illnesses to keep DH & DS away from (yep, cause I totally snuck into a hospital 3 times, shoved tubes and cannulas into DS and took photos of it, just to avoid going to a freaking BBQ!).
    • It has also gotten back to me that MIL & SIL’s have all bished about me to extended family & friends, about what an awful person I am. So I’ll be mortified if I ever have to see any of them again :/
    I know the things they’ve done haven’t been the worst things IL’s have ever done, but I just can’t tolerate cr@p from people and I HATE drama, no matter who they are. I grew up in an emotionally (and physically) abusive household and promised myself that I’d never allow someone to treat me like that, or make me feel like that again. As I said to DH – if they were my family I would have called them out their bad behaviour and just walked away by now. But DH doesn’t want to cut ties, and has spoken to them and apparently they’ve all apologised…I’m yet to hear anything from them though, and it sounded more like they'd apologised to him, not to me :/

    Mostly their behaviour just hurts as I make a conscious effort every day to be kind to people, respect everyone, and be considerate of others, so to be told I’m a bad person kinda stings.

    So, my WWYD is – Would you:
    1. give it one more go, be nice, suck it up and accept that you will never get an apology from them and may be treated like cr@p by them forever.
    2. tell DH that you’re happy for him & DS to have a relationship with his family, but that you will not have anything to do with them as you don’t want to keep putting yourself in a position where you’re open to being repeatedly upset by them.
    3. tell DH that you’re happy for him to have a relationship with his family, but that you will not have anything to do with them, and that you don’t want DS around them either as you don’t want him to think it’s acceptable for families to treat each other that way…and also, that if they can’t respect the mother, they don’t get rewarded by getting to be in the child’s life – not sure if this is me being petty or me standing up for myself??? I know this is what they have wanted all along – DH & DS to themselves without me in the picture, so I feel like I’d be letting them ‘win’…??? But at the same time I don’t want DS to be in the middle of a conflict that has nothing to do with him…???
    4. Go there the next time and tell them all exactly what you think about them! (Oh how I wish I could!)
    Sorry for the novel! TIA

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2014
    Location
    West Melbourne
    Posts
    333
    Thanks
    452
    Thanked
    162
    Reviews
    0
    1 and if that didn't work 4 followed by 3 and then once DS old enough to decide and wanted to know them 2

    So sorry that really isn't nice. In laws can be so tough sometimes it is very hard. There is no need for them to be so disrespectful

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Posts
    917
    Thanks
    89
    Thanked
    227
    Reviews
    16
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Personally I think a combination of all 3. I would only associate with them for family occasions and take DS with on those occasions. If your DH wants to see them more often he can do so without you or DS as I wouldn't want my son around there without me as I don't know what would be said about me in front of him.

    Sent from my SM-G900I using The Bub Hub mobile app

  4. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Penny88 For This Useful Post:

    Apple iPhart6  (23-01-2015),LoveLivesHere  (23-01-2015),Starfish30  (23-01-2015),SuperGranny  (23-01-2015)

  5. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Posts
    2,087
    Thanks
    1,179
    Thanked
    1,566
    Reviews
    3
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Awards:
    Busiest Member of the Week300 posts in a week200 Posts in a week100 Posts in a week
    I agree with PP I would see them for christmas/easter but nothing else. I wouldn't stop dh seeing them but they wouldn't be welcome to be privy to my or my ds life.
    I'm sorry you are going through this. They sound like horrible people.

  6. The Following User Says Thank You to CompareTheMeerkat For This Useful Post:

    LoveLivesHere  (23-01-2015)

  7. #5
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    2,845
    Thanks
    1,822
    Thanked
    1,423
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Awards:
    100 Posts in a week
    2, sort of. I would tell DH that it makes me feel very sad that he thinks an apology (to him! the nerve!) makes things ok. That you have not received an apology, and cannot see any reason why it would be genuine regardless.
    Explain that you (I'm saying you, but mean what I would do) feel this way, because they have been bad mouthing you to others. T
    hat you feel uncomfortable at the thought of socialising now, as you do not know what they have said, or who to.
    Tell him you are backing off from HIS family, as you don't feel part of it. That if they want a relationship with you, they need to sort out their issues.

    IF you are happy for your son to spend time with them, make sure your husband knows that he needs to organise it, and it will not be done on your time.

  8. The Following User Says Thank You to DT75 For This Useful Post:

    littlelove  (23-01-2015)

  9. #6
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    1,266
    Thanks
    469
    Thanked
    583
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Of the options I would choose 2.

    but I don't think i would say 'I will not have anything more to do with them ever', it would be more of a conscious decision to disengage from his family. Be civil if
    they are ever in the same room, but don't necessarily invest in their lives or allow them to invest in yours.

  10. The Following User Says Thank You to Barnaby For This Useful Post:

    littlelove  (23-01-2015)

  11. #7
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Brisbane
    Posts
    1,061
    Thanks
    915
    Thanked
    664
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Penny88 View Post
    Personally I think a combination of all 3. I would only associate with them for family occasions and take DS with on those occasions. If your DH wants to see them more often he can do so without you or DS as I wouldn't want my son around there without me as I don't know what would be said about me in front of him.

    Sent from my SM-G900I using The Bub Hub mobile app
    This is what concerns me as DS gets older. They have said some really really awful things about DH's character in front of him, and I just thank God that he can't understand yet

  12. #8
    tazz475's Avatar
    tazz475 is offline Holy banjo, check out boob mountain!
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Location
    Adelaide
    Posts
    2,318
    Thanks
    717
    Thanked
    1,391
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Awards:
    100 Posts in a week
    I would do 2. I'd advise against telling DH that you don't want him to see his family, although it would be nice if he came up with the idea himself if you suggest it, it will only look bad on you. While it is justified that you don't want DH to have anything to do with them, they are his family and giving him an ultimatum may lead to him resenting you in the future.

    Sorry that they treat you like crap, it's not fair.

  13. The Following User Says Thank You to tazz475 For This Useful Post:

    littlelove  (23-01-2015)

  14. #9
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    1,869
    Thanks
    879
    Thanked
    1,201
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    2. I also wouldn't make a flat out statement I would just stop going anywhere that they were. I would let ds go with dh but monitor the effect it was having on him. If he started coming home with disrespect towards you then i'd probably stop him going too. Yes you and your il's are different people, have different values/beliefs and it sounds like the difference is affecting you. It's ok to pull back.

  15. The Following User Says Thank You to BbBbBh For This Useful Post:

    littlelove  (23-01-2015)

  16. #10
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Brisbane
    Posts
    1,061
    Thanks
    915
    Thanked
    664
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by tazz475 View Post
    I would do 2. I'd advise against telling DH that you don't want him to see his family, although it would be nice if he came up with the idea himself if you suggest it, it will only look bad on you. While it is justified that you don't want DH to have anything to do with them, they are his family and giving him an ultimatum may lead to him resenting you in the future.

    Sorry that they treat you like crap, it's not fair.
    Oh I'd never give DH an ultimatum about it. I'm happy for him to continue having a relationship with them so long as he chooses to.


 

Similar Threads

  1. Overly involved Grandparents
    By mummyluvsbubbyboy in forum General Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 21-01-2015, 11:12
  2. How involved is your partner?
    By mummymaybe in forum IVF
    Replies: 26
    Last Post: 16-09-2014, 17:21
  3. Replies: 92
    Last Post: 03-06-2014, 22:49

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Boody Organic Bamboo Baby Wear
Softer than your bub's bum Boody Organic Bamboo Baby Wear
Australia's favourite eco brand has delivered a gorgeous baby collection. Made from organic bamboo, Boody's extraordinarily soft and stretchy, skin-friendly tops, bottoms, onesies, bibs and wraps don't 'cost the earth'. Get 20% OFF! Code BUBHUB16.
sales & new stuffsee all
True Fairies
True Fairies is the first interactive website where children can engage and speak with a real fairy through the unique webcam fairy portal. Each session is tailored to the child, and is filled with enchantment and magic.
Visit website to find out more!
featured supporter
SRC Pregnancy & Recovery Shorts
Want pain relief during pregnancy, and to continue working and exercising? Fancy a speedy recovery after childbirth? Want to regain your pre-baby body shape fast? Recommended by healthcare professionals, SRC compression products will let your body do its most important work.
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!