So, on Tuesday, I woke up to spotting after being a week late. I had a doctor's appointment and blood test that morning to confirm - and figured it was going to turn out negative.
Until my doctor had said it sounds like it's a loss, when I told her that within the few hours since waking, the "spotting" had become like day #2&3 of my AF - which is not normal for me.
I feel...indescribable. It's only Thursday, and it's almost disappeared. My normal AF goes for 5 days, and goes from #1 light day, #2&3 heavy days back to #4%5 days being light.
This time, it went from light, to heavy within less than 6 hours and today, it's like day #4....when it's been less than 72 hours.
I'm rambling, I'm sorry. I haven't dealt with this properly yet, I don't think. I fear speaking to anybody around me about it, because I don't know how I'm going to hold myself together. My parents told me that they're "sorry" when they heard the news...but it's not something I feel can be talked about with them. I'm trying to fight through daily tasks with a smile that isn't genuine, while at home by myself, the waves come suddenly and I just want to curl into a ball and cry.
I keep searching for a reason, for answers as to why this happened. Did I not do something right? Did I eat something wrong? Did I toss over in my sleep too quickly? Was I bending to the floor wrong? Did my dog's head or paws resting on my tummy cause it? I asked my doctor if it was because my body wasn't a healthy enough environment, and the look she gave me was almost terrifying (like she wanted to yell at me). She did tell me, that no, it means the baby wasn't healthy. But I can't help but still wonder, you know? Or maybe that's just me that is obsessing over it...
I'm a woman of faith, and I honestly am very very mad at G-d right now. I feel it would have been much easier if I had not been pregnant at all. I was *so* sure of it, and to find out that I was...and lost it the very same day I was supposed to get GOOD news, is so totally unfair.
I don't know what to do right now. I don't know where to go from here, how to feel, or even if my thoughts and fears are normal, or at least justified. I just feel so alone right now, and no one close to me feels like much of a comfort at the moment.