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  1. #1
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    Default WWYD - Husband donating sperm to friends - what are people's experiences?

    Hey Hubbers
    I'm a member of bubhub already but posting incognito for this one.

    My friend and her husband are thinking about whether he should donate sperm to a lesbian couple they are good friends with, who are in a long term relationship and want to have kids (plural).

    They have a child themselves but may want more in future and are wondering about what the pros and cons are of being a known sperm donor.

    I'd be interested to hear from any Bubhubbers whose husbands have donated sperm as a known donor - what sort of issues/feelings did you encounter?

    If it was your husband and friends - WWYD? Would you feel ok about your husband fathering someone else's baby if you weren't done having your own?

    Also keen to hear from any lesbian couples, how has knowing the donor affected the whole arrangement? How did you decide how you would handle any complications?

    How have wives of donors felt about their husband fathering another couples babies?

    Is non-IUI donating (the old turkey baster method) effective at all? As an IVF'er myself I don't think IUI is particularly successful at the best of times so I can't see how turkey basting could be very effective but maybe I'm just seeing things from the perspective of an IVF'er.

    Things I worry about for my friend are:
    - will she feel jealous?
    - will she have to put off trying for #2?
    - what if the couple miscarry or the baby isn't well - how will they feel?

    Looking forward to your replies!!!

  2. #2
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    Oblena is offline I've done it in public and I'll do it again - I don't care who sees!
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    I have heard that due to our antiquated laws, the donor could still be up for child support.

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  4. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Oblena View Post
    I have heard that due to our antiquated laws, the donor could still be up for child support.
    This^^
    And also if they haven't finished their own family I would be very hesitant in donating before they do finish

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    The child support thing is false. The donor will not be held liable at all as long as a legal contract is written. A legal contract can be as simple as typing something up on the computer and all people (lesbian partners and husband and wife) signing it. It is also a requirement that the insemination is NOT by sexual intercourse. This is the law in Queensland, I am unsure about other states. The turkey baster method is just as effective as timed intercourse.

    IVF asks that you finish all children you want to have before donating eggs as IVF drugs can affect your fertility later on. As for donor sperm it's not important that you have finished your family before donating as typically male fertility is not affected by ejaculation. It also shouldn't stop your friend from TTC number 2 (unless they ovulate on the same day and DH was saving up his sperm for a day or two).

    DP and I used unknown donor sperm as this was best for our situation. DD does not have, nor will she ever have, a father. She has two mothers and this is what we wanted when we conceived her. She has two mothers and a donor who she will be told about when she is old enough to comprehend it. In your friends case it is entirely up to them what relationship they want to have with any donor children. I know of a couple that have done this, and have also been an egg donor and surrogate for their sperm donor and this arrangement was perfect for them. The surrogate mother feels completely different about the child she carried for her friends than she does for the children she carried for her and her partner. They are extremely happy about the arrangement and the children are very good friends.

    Hope I have helped some.

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  8. #5
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    This is all really helpful.

    I think the 'how involved to be' question will be really tricky for them, they're all quite close and I worry about blurred boundaries whether things go wrong (miscarriage, illness etc) or conversely if things go well and my friend feels envious...

    For my part I have a funny double standard about it, I'd be totally comfortable being a surrogate if I could and a close friend needed it and I'd donate an egg to a sister or a close friend but I'd feel pretty weird watching friends raise a baby I knew was my husband's.

    I take your point about Turkey basting being as effective as timed intercourse @Best Things - I just don't personally have much faith in natural conception from my own experience and I worry my friend will go into it thinking ok, this is three months or six months - but what if it doesn't work and takes longer? How will it damage the friendship if it gets too much?

    Also, watching my own husband donate sperm to me (his wife), he found that actually pretty tough - I think there's a lot of stress and pressure to perform for blokes and it's not as straightforward as just donating a sample on command. What if he can't perfom? How will he feel?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Best Things View Post
    It also shouldn't stop your friend from TTC number 2 (unless they ovulate on the same day and DH was saving up his sperm for a day or two).
    ...I thought more in terms of if the poor bloke felt a bit harangued. TTC under normal circumstances can put a lot of pressure on people, so trying to get two women pregnant could be pretty stressful.

    Also, the couple want to try to get one of them pregnant now, and save up some for later on ice for the other one to conceive and have biologically related kids.

    My reaction was, what if they do that and have two or three kids and my friend has trouble having a second child? I'd feel pretty hard done by in that situation if I was her...

    I'm such a turncoat - when she first suggested it to me I was all for it and said yep thats a great thing you can do. But now I'm just worried for her.

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    Yep. This situation is an absolute minefield for someone to navigate... If they were both TTC at the same time and the lesbian couple fell pregnant first it would be hard not to be envious and vice versa. In fact, even if you're not sharing a donor there is still a pang of envy when someone falls pregnant when you are trying.

    If my friend said they were considering doing this I would be really happy for them but urge them to be really careful when and thorough about talking it over. I'd say the four of them all sit down for dinner and discuss things like:

    Relationships - What relationship will the donor and his wife have with these children? Will they know him as an 'uncle' and when they are a little bit older will the origins of their parent's friend helping them be conceived be known. What relationships will the donor's children have with their half-siblings?

    Timeframes - How long will they TTC before it becomes too complicated/ too time consuming? How long will this journey last before it's important that other avenues be explored? Keeping in mind that some sperm samples supplied to FS's can be split into a few amps to be frozen and used for IUI's.

    Legal considerations - Will the donor be on the birth certificate? Will a contract be written up and signed? Will both mother's be on the birth certificate?

    Feelings - Feelings of the donor, wife and recipients really need to be discussed. Things like this can cause problems in friendships, however some times they don't have to and it can be a wonderful thing to give your friends if you would be happy to see them raise a child you have a biologically connection to.

    DP and I failed with 4 IUI's too - and had to go to IVF to conceive our beautiful DD. But men and women all around the world and falling pregnant and although we had it tough it does not mean that it always is. The world is pretty much over populated and it's not because of IVF so sex and at home insemination is probably likely to work.

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    I have no personal experience at all but I would be extremely hesitant to allow my DH to donate sperm if our own family was unfinished. TBH I wouldn't want him to do it anyway, as I think there would be a lot of emotions and feelings involved which I personally wouldn't want to deal with. Is there any reason why they don't want to go down the donor route at a clinic? Is it simply because they want the child(ren) to be able to have a relationship with their biological father?

    If they were really serious about it some kind of counselling arrangement should occur first, both individually and together for all parties involved and there would have to be absolutely clear cut agreements in place, but they would have to remember that people's feelings and views on things can change and this can bring problems with it too if the other party does not agree.

    I think it could be a minefield of problems, not to say they shouldn't do it but they need to go into it wide eyed.

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    I think @Best Things has said it all!

    A friend of mine is a lesbian and made the decision to co-parent a child with her roommate. They used a menstrual cup with his sperm in it when she was ovulating. Inserted it, laid in bed with legs in the air and badaboom, she has a 3 year old DS!

  14. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pearlygirl View Post
    I have no personal experience at all but I would be extremely hesitant to allow my DH to donate sperm if our own family was unfinished. TBH I wouldn't want him to do it anyway, as I think there would be a lot of emotions and feelings involved which I personally wouldn't want to deal with. Is there any reason why they don't want to go down the donor route at a clinic? Is it simply because they want the child(ren) to be able to have a relationship with their biological father?

    If they were really serious about it some kind of counselling arrangement should occur first, both individually and together for all parties involved and there would have to be absolutely clear cut agreements in place, but they would have to remember that people's feelings and views on things can change and this can bring problems with it too if the other party does not agree.

    I think it could be a minefield of problems, not to say they shouldn't do it but they need to go into it wide eyed.
    Yeah this is how i would feel too I think. I think as you've suggested they didn't want an anonymous donor because they want the child to have a 'good' biological father - i think they're worried they won't get a good donor if they go anonymous.

    Does anyone know what the selection process is actually like? How do you choose a donor?


 

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