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  1. #1
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    Default Overly involved Grandparents

    So am just about at the end of my patience span - with my parents, without having to go totally nutso and flip out at them. To clarify we currently live with my parents, however we have recently got our own place and are moving out in the next couple of weeks.

    The problem is with my father who has begun to become too 'involved' in my relationship with my baby son. The last straw for me was what happened today. My baby son was crying quite a bit as I had tried to settle him down in his cot to sleep. After 10 minutes with my sitting by his cot and reading him a story and passing the dummy back and forth, I had realised he was not calming down. As I went from the room to washup some extra bottles behind my back in trots my father. Without my consent he suddenly picks up my screaming son - who begins to scream ever the more, while telling me off about looking after my own son. Meanwhile he adds 0 effort to the actual daily care: feeding, changing washing, cleaning and buying of the million baby items which I have purchased.

    After finishing washing up I begin to tell him to please put down my son and move out of the way as he was just getting in my way of the steriliser and kettle which I had to use. Making matters worse he begins to ask me if there was something wrong with my baby. Or if he was dirty (I had just changed him twice in the past 2 hours). BTW- He is also double the size for his own age and the nurses frequently joke with me about him being a little on the chubby side.

    This has not been the first time he has said and done this either. Times when I have left the baby in the cot to shower and get dressed and go to the toilet he seems to begin this routine of blaming me when he starts to cry as I leave the room (for no more than 15 minutes). Telling me I should 'take care of my own child'. However I barely have time to go to the bathroom some days!

    As we are moving soon some days I feel like leaving without anymore contact EVER! How should I approch this problem mummies? Have you had similar stories with overly smothering parents who want to take over the parent role in your baby's life?

  2. #2
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    Default Overly involved Grandparents

    All grandparents are like this to some degree or another... and your problem is exacerbated by rooming in. Suffer through the next 2 weeks and then keep your distance for a bit. Your Dad needs to know that all babies are like this - anyone who can back you up? Partner? Visiting friend?

    Also, screaming babies definitely bring about this response. When I have visited in laws and my baby has been unsettled, everyone wants to be the person who managed to settle my baby!! Babies cries are designed to provoke a reaction in adults, that's why they do it, it's a survival mechanism... so your Dad finds it easy to ignore your quiet baby but not so easy to ignore your crying baby. You have to explain that as long as your baby's needs are being met that sometimes they have to cry. And consistency is so important. You really need someone to back you up on this if he doesn't listen.
    Last edited by Eilonwy; 20-01-2015 at 21:47.

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  4. #3
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    How old is bubs?
    For some reason grandparents can't stand to hear babies (their grandchildren) cry. I have no idea why!
    Maybe just stick it out for the next few weeks.
    Maybe say, "hey I'm just about to have a shower, go toilet...etc, if baby cries can you give him a cuddle?"

  5. #4
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    You are moving out in the next few weeks. Is it really worth having a bust up this close to you moving out? I found living with my parents whilst we were renovating, quite suffocating but I was in their house so not much I could do about it. Your father might be smothering but he doesn't actually ''need'' to put effort into the daily care. It's your child not his. Honestly, it's not worth the headache to argue over this. You will be in your own place soon so you call the shots the way you want.

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  7. #5
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    Baby is 5 months old only. Am a single mummy so he also relies on me for everything. Baby knows mummy always takes care of him for everything every day. He also has still been quite upset with his grandparents if mummy leaves the room even when I have consented to hand him over for a short hello and cuddle while I do watch all the while from afar. Which made me even angrier when grandfather picked him up suddenly and while I was out of the room. :angry:

  8. #6
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    I feel you, I lived with my dad for 4 months after becoming single mum, not great for the esteem to go back home with a baby. I've been in my own place now and have another baby, for 2 and a bit years, my parents both are terribly critical of how I am with my babes. They intervene allllll the time, I.e first time bub physically hurt herself, I was trying to comfort her quietly (only 6mo at the time, hit her head) and dad followed me around loudly going 'bub bub bub bub eeer bub c'mon bub heeeeya heeeey). Seriously...... I know he meant well but fckuc. My blood was boiling. First time at consoling my child, first time child hurt herself!! And I couldn't focus on her, all the while I'm trying to be calm and reassuring but all I could focus on was dads constant noise. And my reaction was anger, and I felt horrible (then more angry) that my babe would've picked up on my anger at her hurting herself!!!!! I couldn't even turn around and say shhhh. So full on when you're a new mum, and single mum because no ones got your back when it comes to your own folks. On more, at my mums dd1 used to head butt the floor when she was having a moment, not hard, just from frustration, I'm good with handling that, mum swoons in, I say just leave her, I get ignored (that happens often), I'm on the floor with dd but just waiting her out quietly, mum over me with toys cooing and lalaing, head banging getting worse, I ask mum just leave it, she tells me no, starts giving me i know what to do talk, actually asked me to come away.... I'm staying quiet and calm for dd, I calmly say stop mum... i already feel where this will go, and turn my back to her to focus on dd who I'm now holding and who is screaming, my calm is being tested, as mum still going, I say stop again, to which she bitingly snaps at me 'you just stop' ....my strength was tested that day. Ill be saying to dd no we are not going outside right now, mum takes her outside. I've been in therapy with this, and my parents were one if my biggest fears when I fell pregnant. I love them and their help has been wonderful. I can't see them out of my life, but by Christ, its tempting. I've completely lost the plot at mum once, dad backed off from then, but slowly creeping back. And now, I stand up to my mum as much as possible, I know I sound like a ***** to her, or ungrateful, but that's the price I pay for trying to gain some footing on my own kids and life. I think somewhere mum sees it too. I limit visits now, as does she since I've been biting back. I still call her and talk, she still visits but won't stay as long. So you know, maybe just have it out? You may feel stronger and more independent for it, initially it might be muddy, but yeah there may be new respect too. And offer for them to help at times, so you can show where you need help, or ok with help. Sorry for the novel, this hit home for me!!! Good luck for the next couple weeks, you'll be out soon, just know you are doing a good job. Oh and remember to thank them for what they do. It's freaking tough. Oh, and just to add, nip it ASAP, because I see the effects of the power struggles now in dd, (nearly 3) she learnt not to listen to anyone. And is a right poop with mum, ....and of course now that's because of my parenting style (can't win). Geez, sorry for taking up your feed!!!! Msg if you want to chat

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  10. #7
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    Hugs. Its hard. My dad lives with myself and my son. My son is 7yrs old. My dad doesnt really have much to do with kiddo unless its to yell at him or stir him up for no reason. That really gives me the shirts when he does that as my dad doesnt help out with kiddo in any way. Atm i am having to work every friday night(kiddo is in bed before i leave as i do night shifts) and dad isnt happy i am cutting into his weekend despite the fact he doesnt work.

    While my dad isnt overly involved, when he decides he wants to start trouble, he always heads straight to DS and both kiddo and myself hate it.

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  12. #8
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    Thanks girls

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    I know its hard, but try not to stress. You're moving soon anyway and maybe your dad is actually trying to help, even though he might be going the wrong way about it. just grin and bare it for now. Not everyone is lucky enough to have our parents help out.


 

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