Thanks for reading, I'm completely new here and a first time poster, though I have been lurking for a while seeing if I could find someone in a similar position. But no....
My story - 39 years old, no children, never pregnant, never married - both by circumstance not by choice. Own my own business, am financially stable but not wealthy, in good health.
His story - 39 years old, 3 children between 12 and 19 years old. Limited shared custody, which unfortunately 8 years after divorce is still acrimonious, in dispute and may go back to court at his ex-wife's instigation. He is has employment, but now struggles to make ends meet, especially because of massive court/legal fees of over $40,000 in 2011-12-13. He would say he is not in a great position, but is trying to get his life on track.
Our story - Five years ago we had a relationship which lasted two years, during which we endured a year in court with his ex-wife for custody of two of his children. The stress basically broke our relationship, it was an awful time. He subsequently spent 10 of the next 18 months overseas, he followed a new lady, and it quickly didn't work out - but he stayed and experienced life for a while by himself and for himself (as many of us did in our late teens and 20's) - something he hasn't had much opportunity to do as he had his first child at 19 years old.
He came back in mid 2014, and after a while sought to reestablish contact (as a friendship) with me, which I was unsure of, but went ahead with. We spent a lot of time together, and even did some work together as we work in a similar field. After some months of friendship, we quietly decided that we would give our relationship another go - completely under wraps. We wanted to make sure we were doing the right thing before "coming out" to family and friends. We had lengthy, very positive, discussions about our future together, if things continued well as they were going, getting married and having children, though it was always a long term plan given his current situation, and given caution and a slow pace would be different to his previous relationship where they were "forced" into a marriage because of an unplanned pregnancy at 19.
He wants to (and we had discussed) doing it "right", "coming out" to our family and friends first about us getting back together, spending time actually "getting back together" and getting to know each other again - and then getting married, then having kids. All within the confines of my rapidly expiring age!
Then, after three months I became pregnant and the pregnancy is unplanned - I told him the first day I knew, which is nearly a month ago now. Since then things have been difficult as it was the school holidays and he had three weeks away with his son - during which time we couldn't spend the time we needed to together to talk about what we should do.
Originally I was mortified, terrified and thought straight about a termination. The longer I thought about it, the more I wanted to discuss with him keeping the baby.
From my point of view, I am 39 - though I conceived very easily about 5 days later than I should have been able to. The obstetrician, whilst wary, has said this does suggest a remaining high level of fertility for my (advanced!!) age. Financially, it is a possibility. I'm educated, and in a good position to bring a baby into the world.
My catch is, he, is very reluctant and is not wishing to go ahead with the pregnancy, though he has been very careful to leave any decision up to me. He doesn't want me to feel that he pushed me in one direction or the other. He is not in a financial position to contribute at all, and with his custody situation, his "priority" is trying to get that resolved, and get his life back into order again.
Apart from anything, we are still in a very new relationship, and whilst all indications are positive - we love each other and have both openly stated that we want to continue a relationship, the stress of pregnancy and a new baby on a new relationships (something he has done before and "failed" at) - he is having trouble seeing how it can possibly work - in terms of a future for the relationship with a new baby involved. He is also having difficulty in that if I decide to go ahead, it is not what he wants, and then the possibility of being in a relationship together when I have "gone against" him is very difficult.
Both the relationship and the baby are important to me, but I'm feeling more and more like I may need to make a choice. I personally feel as though it is irresponsible to bring a child into the world knowing I could/would be a single mother - ideally we had discussed a couple of children - but I won't be walking the path of a couple of children with different fathers just to satisfy by own selfish needs or wants of having two or more kids.
If this were a new relationship of a couple of months, my choice would be clear and I wouldn't be doing all this soul searching, but with our history, it really muddies the waters.
Please, I am not interested in any comments or questions regarding how an unplanned pregnancy has happened or anything. It has happened, and now some decisions need to be made. To be clear, adoption is not an option. My heart breaks for my many friends and others I do not know who struggle through the traumas of IVF and those who simply cannot have children, however it will never be an option for me to have this baby and give it up.
Thanks in advance to anyone who has read this far and can offer any insight or suggestions.
Also interested if anyone has any recommendations for a good counsellor in the Melbourne area - we are trying to get in to see someone in the next week to talk it through with a third party. (Understand you have to PM me any recommendations)
Many thanks !!