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  1. #1
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    Default 39 years old, 8 weeks pregnant, newly re-formed relationship

    Hi All
    Thanks for reading, I'm completely new here and a first time poster, though I have been lurking for a while seeing if I could find someone in a similar position. But no....

    My story - 39 years old, no children, never pregnant, never married - both by circumstance not by choice. Own my own business, am financially stable but not wealthy, in good health.
    His story - 39 years old, 3 children between 12 and 19 years old. Limited shared custody, which unfortunately 8 years after divorce is still acrimonious, in dispute and may go back to court at his ex-wife's instigation. He is has employment, but now struggles to make ends meet, especially because of massive court/legal fees of over $40,000 in 2011-12-13. He would say he is not in a great position, but is trying to get his life on track.

    Our story - Five years ago we had a relationship which lasted two years, during which we endured a year in court with his ex-wife for custody of two of his children. The stress basically broke our relationship, it was an awful time. He subsequently spent 10 of the next 18 months overseas, he followed a new lady, and it quickly didn't work out - but he stayed and experienced life for a while by himself and for himself (as many of us did in our late teens and 20's) - something he hasn't had much opportunity to do as he had his first child at 19 years old.
    He came back in mid 2014, and after a while sought to reestablish contact (as a friendship) with me, which I was unsure of, but went ahead with. We spent a lot of time together, and even did some work together as we work in a similar field. After some months of friendship, we quietly decided that we would give our relationship another go - completely under wraps. We wanted to make sure we were doing the right thing before "coming out" to family and friends. We had lengthy, very positive, discussions about our future together, if things continued well as they were going, getting married and having children, though it was always a long term plan given his current situation, and given caution and a slow pace would be different to his previous relationship where they were "forced" into a marriage because of an unplanned pregnancy at 19.
    He wants to (and we had discussed) doing it "right", "coming out" to our family and friends first about us getting back together, spending time actually "getting back together" and getting to know each other again - and then getting married, then having kids. All within the confines of my rapidly expiring age!

    Then, after three months I became pregnant and the pregnancy is unplanned - I told him the first day I knew, which is nearly a month ago now. Since then things have been difficult as it was the school holidays and he had three weeks away with his son - during which time we couldn't spend the time we needed to together to talk about what we should do.
    Originally I was mortified, terrified and thought straight about a termination. The longer I thought about it, the more I wanted to discuss with him keeping the baby.
    From my point of view, I am 39 - though I conceived very easily about 5 days later than I should have been able to. The obstetrician, whilst wary, has said this does suggest a remaining high level of fertility for my (advanced!!) age. Financially, it is a possibility. I'm educated, and in a good position to bring a baby into the world.
    My catch is, he, is very reluctant and is not wishing to go ahead with the pregnancy, though he has been very careful to leave any decision up to me. He doesn't want me to feel that he pushed me in one direction or the other. He is not in a financial position to contribute at all, and with his custody situation, his "priority" is trying to get that resolved, and get his life back into order again.

    Apart from anything, we are still in a very new relationship, and whilst all indications are positive - we love each other and have both openly stated that we want to continue a relationship, the stress of pregnancy and a new baby on a new relationships (something he has done before and "failed" at) - he is having trouble seeing how it can possibly work - in terms of a future for the relationship with a new baby involved. He is also having difficulty in that if I decide to go ahead, it is not what he wants, and then the possibility of being in a relationship together when I have "gone against" him is very difficult.

    Both the relationship and the baby are important to me, but I'm feeling more and more like I may need to make a choice. I personally feel as though it is irresponsible to bring a child into the world knowing I could/would be a single mother - ideally we had discussed a couple of children - but I won't be walking the path of a couple of children with different fathers just to satisfy by own selfish needs or wants of having two or more kids.
    If this were a new relationship of a couple of months, my choice would be clear and I wouldn't be doing all this soul searching, but with our history, it really muddies the waters.

    Please, I am not interested in any comments or questions regarding how an unplanned pregnancy has happened or anything. It has happened, and now some decisions need to be made. To be clear, adoption is not an option. My heart breaks for my many friends and others I do not know who struggle through the traumas of IVF and those who simply cannot have children, however it will never be an option for me to have this baby and give it up.

    Thanks in advance to anyone who has read this far and can offer any insight or suggestions.

    Also interested if anyone has any recommendations for a good counsellor in the Melbourne area - we are trying to get in to see someone in the next week to talk it through with a third party. (Understand you have to PM me any recommendations)
    Many thanks !!

  2. #2
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    You guys have discussed a couple of kids but he wants you to terminate? You are both almost 40. You have fallen fairly quickly but your fertility is going to be dropping rapidly. It's not like you are both 20 anymore. What are your timelines for having kids? I fear by the time he is ready, it will be too late and you will forever regret it.

    I'm not saying you have to keep the baby but he has to recognise you are on the far end of your fertility. You may find the same stresses cause the end to your relationship and you have no child and no eggs left.

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  4. #3
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    Congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm sorry it's not been in ideal circumstances.

    My mum has a way of resolving problems for me: boil in down to two options, then flip a coin. Often I never have to look at whether it was heads or tails. The moment the coin flies into the air I know what I want it to land on. Decision made!

    Of course that's all well and good if you only have to listen to your heart. But if you're head gets a say, then I love a good "pros and cons" list. It helps to get all the thoughts swirling around your head onto the page. Then you can really see what you're working with.

    I'm afraid I can't help with any more advice than that. Good luck!

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  6. #4
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    I'm sorry I don't have much advice but your story reminded me of @Explora 's, she might be be able to share some wisdom

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  8. #5
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    If you terminate and try again, how long would you wait before trying again? A year, 2? That's quite risky in terms of having a successful natural pregnancy.
    If you terminate, you will need to be at peace with the real possibility you may not fall pregnant again.

    As for your partner. If he didn't want a kid now then he should have kept his **** in his pants. It's too late to be cautious once a baby has already been conceived. As for he can't contribute, I call BS on that. If he has a kid with you, his child support payments to his other kids will adjust. I am sure there are things he could do to tighten his belt a bit... If he wants to be a responsible father. I don't get how you both think he could be a great father in a couple of years but can't be now. He's 39....If he can't be a good father to your bub now then chances are if you try again in a few years he won't be a good dad then either!

    Bottom line: will you be happy if you terminate? Will you be able to lovingly snuggle into your DP's arms and be at peace? Or will you be thinking "WTf... How could you pressure me to terminate?".

    On one hand you say you are financially stable and could support a child... On the other hand you say you feel it would be irresponsible to bring a child into the world knowing you will be a single parent. Bottom line: you can be a good mum independent of finances and having a man by your side. The time for worrying about responsibility was back when you were having sex. it's now passed. Your baby is here and you can raise bub and be a damn good mum if you want to.

    Good luck
    Last edited by VicPark; 11-01-2015 at 20:09.

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  10. #6
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    To be frank if you want a baby this is probably your last chance. He won't be in a position where he's ready to for another year or more. Even if you get pregnant then the risk of complications are high.

    Nothing wrong with being a single mum. I'm a solo mother by choice. I found out I had low ovarian reserve at 31. My sister was 35 and had no eggs left and needed a donor. I was single so went it alone. No regrets here.

    Easy enough for him to want to terminate, he has kids. Base this 100% on what you want, not what he wants as he may not stick around either way.

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  12. #7
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    Hi @LaVecchia.
    @deku has a very good memory...I was/am going through a similar situation and can identify with every thing you have written.

    Firstly, congratulations! I know that an ill-timed, unplanned pregnancy certainly DOESN'T feel like a cause for celebrating, but it is a miracle, so high-five to your body for giving you this opportunity

    I'll try not to hijack your post with too much of my own stuff, but so that I can get my empathy across, I'll give you a (hopefully short!) rundown of my situation and let you know how I got through it...

    I'm currently 5 months pregnant. When I fell pregnant, it was 3 months into a new relationship and at a time when I had been advised that I couldn't fall pregnant naturally without some surgery, and that it was a real possibility I would need IVF. In my mind I was convinced that meant I would be infertile forever and would never have the beautiful experience of having kids. So this was a massive, massive shock to the system!

    DP and I don't have the history you guys have...4 months of friendship turned into a relationship and after 3 months, BAM! Unplanned pregnancy.
    DP is early 40s with grownup kids (started young like your DP, and had years of pain with his ex as well). This year I'll be approaching mid-30s.

    So when we found out I was pregnant, we just kind of went with the flow and didn't consider termination because of the miracle factor that I fell pregnant after being told I'd struggle. In about the 2nd month, we started having some mega arguments and by about 11 weeks, DP was getting cold feet, because our relationship was in a bad way, and all he could see was his history repeating as per his previous situation with ex and kids.

    I'll be honest, I didn't like any of the options available: termination, adoption or keeping it while I was in such an unsteady relationship! The timing was just SO BAD...I am a responsible person IRL and couldn't accept that this is the way it happened. I felt like an irresponsible teenager.

    So when DP changed his mind on the whole deal, I was at the stage where I had sore boobs, was vomiting, and the little thing inside me was big and real and human-like now...not just a bunch of cells. It frustrated me that he was getting cold feet when the pregnancy was advancing to the end of the first trimester and the '12-week deadline' was approaching quickly...it wasn't just the 'bunch of cells' stage which doesn't even feel like real pregnancy.
    However, he didn't ask for this any more than I did, so I had to put my understanding hat on and try and be gentle on him.

    It was the 12-week deadline which I firmly believe put us in such a pressure cooker that we were only holding on by the smallest thread, each wanting different things. The bickering was constant, and I was in tears most days. So at the eleventh hour I booked us an appointment with a pregnancy counsellor because, although I knew I couldn't give up this gift I thought I'd never have, I wanted him to feel like he'd been heard and that the decision to keep the baby wasn't made lightly and without consideration of his feelings.

    (I live in Melbourne by the way, and the counsellor I saw was excellent. I'll PM you her details. She is an excellent listener and truly understood me. She empowered me which was such a beautiful experience for me, as I hadn't told a single soul about my pregnancy and was feeling all alone and unsupported. She was very reassuring.)

    So I said in the counselling session that I was happy to do it alone and that he could have as much or as little involvement as he wanted (physically and financially), and I had full support of the counsellor on this decision.

    DP and I had a day or two apart and when we met back up he said he wanted to give it a go and be part of the experience. I admired his decision and he has been to every scan since and supporting me much better than the early days.

    I still don't think we are out of the woods and sometimes have my doubts as to whether we'll make it long term, but we both want to try first...there is plenty of time to break-up down the track, best to give it our best shot first. I'm hoping it will bond us like nothing else and keep us together. But I have reconciled in my heart that I'll be ok and will still thrive whether we stay together or not.

    A few things which came to mind as I read your post (I wrote them down so that I wouldn't forget, lol):

    Number one and most important:
    Be gentle on yourself. I was exactly the same as you at 8 weeks...freaking out and had a million options and thoughts whizzing through my head all day every day...some advice I'll give here would be not to make any rash decisions during this time. It's still such a new concept. Give yourself and DP time to digest everything. The more time you take, the more solutions you will find and can start to feel better about things (whether the solutions are as a single parent or a couple).

    I'm glad I made my decision by 12 weeks, because DP and I got back on track once things were no longer 'up in the air'. But just know that you actually have until 20 weeks to safely terminate (I researched this in my first trimester).
    Perhaps @meredithgrey could verify this?

    Also don't judge yourself about bringing a child into the world as a single mum...single mums are brave and inspirational and right up there with the strongest leaders of people! And anyone can become a single parent at any time anyway (divorce, death of a partner, unfortunately). So cross that off as a reason to terminate.

    And if you have two kids to different parents, that's no biggie these days.
    Just tell yourself that no matter what happens, whether you become a single parent, stay with your man, have one child, no child, or children with multiple fathers, it is all ok

    Good luck!

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  14. #8
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    Thanks to you all for your mindful and wise responses, it's certainly most appreciated.
    Special thanks @deku for remembering @Explora 's situation, it is indeed very similar to mine, and just reading it has helped.
    @Explora - I'd be grateful if you could PM me the counsellor's details.
    So many people are away at this time of year and I'm having trouble getting availability.
    Did you attend together from the outset of the counselling? I was wondering the merit of attending a session alone, and a session with my partner, but then don't want him to feel alienated or that the counsellor has taken sides....
    Thanks again :-)

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  16. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by LaVecchia View Post
    Did you attend together from the outset of the counselling? I was wondering the merit of attending a session alone, and a session with my partner, but then don't want him to feel alienated or that the counsellor has taken sides....
    Thanks again :-)
    We attended together as a couple. She had one-on-one time with each of us though, and sent each of us out of the room for a time while she heard us individually.

    Your partner may feel like she has taken sides, because her job is to support you 100% and in my experience she will help explain your case to him. This might feel like she's taking your side, but at the end of the day it's about empowering the woman to feel comfortable making her own decision and not having her feel pressured into anything.

    Will find her details and PM you shortly

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  18. #10
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    Hey @LaVecchia, I can't PM you, it won't let me. I think you need to make 5 posts before you're allowed to receive PMs.


 

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