I had no idea what to name this topic. Depressed seems to be a blanket description, I suppose.
I apologize for the huge rant.
I'm currently 22 years old, 11+2 weeks pregnant, bub due in late July.
The last four or so days have been absolute emotional torture and I can't pinpoint why.
My partner and I were not at all trying to have a bub. He's got two kids from his previous relationship, and we'd agreed if we did decide to have kids we'd wait until the youngest was about 10. She's just turned 5.
Prior to finding out about the pregnancy, DP and I were constantly fighting. He'd get physical too - not often but I have far too many photos of bruises and injuries. We worked out that the only day conception could have happened was Nov 5. We'd had a huge fight the day before, I left home for the night and when I came back to discuss breaking up, we somehow ended up having "make-up sex", which resulted in this pregnancy. We've been fighting less since finding out, and he hasn't been violent, but I'm scared that he will go back to it at some point.
I've had three bleeds throughout this pregnancy. The first was at about 5 weeks, which involved quite a lot of blood and clotting. I thought it was all over then, but bub was fine. I had another minor bleed on 30/12, and again bub was fine. The third was last week, which I discovered as brown, old blood, but quite a lot of it. I haven't had any scans or appointments since that bleed but I'm not too worried seeing as it was brown.
I suffered a miscarriage in 2013 with my ex. The doctor said that I was 8 weeks when I found out, and I lost the pregnancy 3 weeks later. That was judging from last period, and I never gave it a second thought. I was apprehensive about telling my ex, and didn't have any of the scans or tests while I was trying to work out how to tell him. When I went to the doctor with a positive test this time she put me at 7 weeks from last period, and via scans and blood tests they put me at about 4 weeks, so honestly I don't know how far along I actually was last time, or if the pregnancy was viable to begin with - this pregnancy is actually giving me far more insight into everything that's going on and I've felt less and less guilty about my prior miscarriage. It's been slightly comforting.
So that's some information about what's been going on pre the last 4 days.
In the last 96 hours, however, I've been massively freaking out about everything. I was always slightly worried and scared, but now it seems I'm more terrified than excited.
I keep thinking about how I'm 22, I'll only just be 23 when the baby arrives and I feel like I'm too young. Like I've done nothing with my life before bringing another one into it. I know so many people who have had kids at 19, 20, 21 and are amazing parents but I don't feel like that will be me. I'm not ready.
There's also the fact that I don't currently have a job, since my casual employment seemed to cease when my partner went for a third heart surgery within 3 months. For the same reason, DP is unable to work because he's still recovering. I was meant to start a job in broadcasting this year, which was being talked about since 2011, but I've now been informed the position isn't available anymore due to cuts. I very much want to start applying at other networks, but who on earth is going to employ someone who has to leave to have a kid in less than 6 months? And then after bub is born, when do I start thinking about working? What if DP never recovers completely? I don't want to raise a baby on centrelink payments.
I just feel so deflated. I was so happy and excited only a week ago and now I just feel so depressed, and i don't know why it's happened so suddenly.
I know I don't want bub to go anywhere. I'm not secretly hoping for a miscarriage or planning abortion - I want this baby, and I love him/her entirely. I just wish I could pause everything and get my life on track. I wish I didn't feel so sad and depressed about it.