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  1. #1
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    Default How has your relationship with DP/ DH changed..

    Since the arrival of baby/ babies?
    I feel like mine is deteriorating slowly. Our DD is the best thing that has ever happened to me, but get the feeling for DH fatherhood isn't quite what he had hoped & doesn't really spend much of his spare time with her unless I suggest it. I know he loves her but seems to have limited time & patience for her.. This is effecting our relationship because I see him differently- he'd still rather put his own needs & wants before me & the baby. As a couple (before baby) I knew we had our differences but now with child, they are glaringly obvious.. I just wanted to know how others have dealt with these things?

    Thanks

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    Maybe you should sit down and have a talk with him and suss out how he is feeling? I think sometimes mothers can become completely absorbed in motherhood and the raising of children and forget to put energy into their relationship still, and connecting with their partner etc.

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    Hi Green tea. I have no advice but I kinda thought that sharing my experience could help a little.
    When my first baby was born 14 months ago it helped strengthen my marriage and DH and I were as happy and connected as we have ever been. I can put this down to a couple of things. Firstly he he did a great job supporting me in labour. He also had lots of time off work and we approached the early newborn period as a team. We both did as much as we could for bub and each other. Great teamwork and communication for those first few weeks set us on a really smooth path that was going great for about 9 months....
    Then we found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant again. My DH is not at all happy about this and it has all gone downhill since then. He is still very hands on with our child but we no longer feel like a team working towards a shared goal. We barely speak.
    I am so sorry you are feeling this disconnect with your partner.

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    I pressed send accidentally...

    Anyway just wanted to tell you that you are not alone in struggling to find the balance in maintaining a great relationship and being the best mummy you can be. Things are so crap for me atm but I know they were great once so they can be great again. I'm sure with some effort and communication you and your DH can get things back on track. Xxx

  5. #5
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    I think my relationship with DH certainly suffered for a while after DS arrived. Neither of us had much to do with babies before then, so we didn't realise how full-on it would be and how little time we'd have to ourselves. I was pretty resentful that he spent so much time working when DS was little, and felt like I was always carrying the burden of looking after him constantly. I wanted DH to step in and just give me a proper break (more than just half an hour!) but it never happened. I think from his point of view he was flat out too with non-baby stuff, so he needed a break just as much as I did. And it didn't help that we don't have any family nearby to give either of us a break. He also didn't cope well with the lack of sleep, nor with me prioritising my own sleep over s*x. (And frankly, when I was quietly angry at him for not helping out as much as I'd like, I really didn't feel like it).

    None of that ever really got resolved, but I can say that it got better as DS got older. Certainly by the time he turned 1 and was no longer as reliant on me, was mobile and a little more independent, was more" fun", we were all sleeping better, and I returned to work part-time and had some much-needed adult interaction, our relationship improved immensely. There's still things that annoy me, and I still think I shoulder more household responsibility, but it's a lot fairer than it was).

    Next time, I'm going to ask him to do things around the house rather than hope he'll do it of his own volition. Hopefully that will reduce some of the early resentment.

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    It seems to go in stages for us. With our first we seemed to get closer. With our second we moved away from family not long after and it was the start of feeling disconnected from him. I felt like this for a few years and sometimes felt it wouldn't bother me if he was no longer around. I don't know if he ever knew I felt this way but eventually I started to remember why I married him and started appreciating him more.

    We are now 4 kids in and in our 15th year of marriage and overall things a pretty good. There are times of frustration (especially when he is clashing with the pre-teen male of the house) but I appreciate that when he is not at work he is here, involved and helping wherever needed.

    I now know that the majority of men just don't think like us. They don't see that something needs doing or you need help. I have found I have to ask and at first it annoyed me but now it's just a part of how we work.

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    Default How has your relationship with DP/ DH changed..

    Ours took a big old nosedive after DD came home from the NICU at 4 months old. We were running off adrenaline before that.

    But in light of recent events (DH's deception/cheating on/off over the last 7yrs- whole other thread!!) it's still hanging in by a thread. He's skating on very thin ice.

    In relation to his parenting, can't really fault him apart from the few outbursts he's had over minuscule things DD has done (usual toddler things)

    But he's neglected me and our relationship (for obvious reasons) and he's trying to work on that. But yes, having DD has made it harder to communicate and we often fight about her upbringing. Having both had very little sleep doesn't help.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Beljane View Post
    I now know that the majority of men just don't think like us. They don't see that something needs doing or you need help. I have found I have to ask and at first it annoyed me but now it's just a part of how we work.
    So very true. I've learnt to just ask dh if I want him to do something. That and we have a whiteboard with a job list on it of things needing doing over the coming weeks (not the normal housework, more fix this or that etc).

    Plus from a males perspective (well most anyway) babies are boring. They don't do anything except eat, sleep and fill their nappies. Once bubs gets a bit older your dh might surprise you. Mine certainly did once ds actually did things or could interact with dh. And now at 2 dh loves spending time with ds, either playing with toys or fixing car/mowers together.

    The only advice I can really suggest is to sit down together and discuss how each other is feeling and try to make a compromise.

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    How old is your bub? Some men seem to take a lot of time to adjust. They now need to share you. ..especially if this is your first. They start to see you in another way. Changing a habit of just being 2 and living quite selfishly can be a huge adjustment. It's hard for some men to see their partner put their child first for a time.
    It's all a new experience. I know my DH really struggled to begin with. And we had lots of medical stuff to go through with our daughter. Also they start to feel a bigger pressure on their shoulders to support and maintain the house financially.
    While this might not be true for all men. .. It certainly seems common amongst some of my friends.
    You need to talk with each other all the time about the changes occurring in the relationship. And remember is also hard when you're sleep deprived in those early months too.

  11. #10
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    Hi everyone thanks for your comments & advice- pretty much all the comments I can relate to. Our DD turned 1 recently & as an energetic toddler who is not the greatest sleeper, DH seems happy to do "fun" stuff like go out sometimes but the day-to-day routine stuff like feeding, bath etc - not interested.

    I know it's a massive adjustment for both of us, but he seems stuck on trying to hang on to the lifestyle that doesn't exist for us anymore- & with that I mean drinking like he is single & thinking sleeping in till midday on weekends is acceptable. It breaks my heart when our DD is so excited to see him & he is too tired/ couldn't be bothered to even fake a smile for her.

    We have talked a lot but actions speak louder than words & he's not budging, & I'm running out of patience with him.

    Creaming Soda - I'm sorry to hear things have gone pear shaped, you need your DH's support more than ever. Do you think he will likely see bub #2 & melt?!


 

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