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  1. #11
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    TheGooch is offline Winner 2014 - Newbie of the Year
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    I'm sorry this is happening for you. It must be confusing.
    Firstly - I'm not sure starting a new relationship while the other one is in limbo is a good idea. I'm not judging. I legitimately mean I think it will be harder for you to work out what's right for you while you're in amongst it.
    Secondly - do you want s3x at all? If yes, but not with your DH, that probably means something different than if you don't want s3x with anyone. Or as much s3x or whatever. But again, difficult to work through while you're around both of them.
    Counselling might help you work out some of these feelings.
    Some alone time - proper alone time also might help you work it out away from the sources of confusion.
    There are ways to resolve competing s3xual appetites if that's the issue.

    Also your DHs clinginess and dependency may be an effect of what's happening in your relationship instead of the cause. I don't know. Has he always been like this? If not, consider it. But again, counselling may help to work that out.

    I'm so sorry this tumultuous time is happening.
    I hope you can find a resolution that works for you and your family.

    Good luck!

  2. #12
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    Oh babe, I feel for you. I kind of understand where you're coming from. I met my DP at age 15/16 also... We were not officially together tho until age 23. First baby came 2.5 years later. Split up when DD was 3 years old. Experimented with dating other guys for 18 months, but never found anyone I liked and felt lonely. Had sex with my ex and... ended up pregnant again. Now DS is 4 weeks old. I am not really attracted OR feel connected to DP, but for now the "easy option" is to be together...

    You say your youngest child is two? Perhaps you should give the relationship a timeframe. However, it's hard when you are not attracted to him. I know. But I also know how hard it is to be single, and do everything on your own, with kid, house, garden, finances. I've been there, and in a way I did grow strong and independent in that time. But the loneliness is tough.

    I don't really know if my post has been valuable to you at all. I don't know what sort of advice to give you. Just to hang in there, stay true to yourself and all others involved. It's tough and I'm sorry :-(

  3. #13
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    Feel for you OP. I've been in similar shoes and let me share with you a description of how the leaving thing pans out: it's hard. Are you prepared for your financials to be stuffed? Split custody of the kids - what if he goes for 50%? What if he goes for full custody? What if, when they're 14, they decide they don't want to live with you and want to live with him? Are you emotionally prepared for those eventualities? Because despite what you may think, they can and will happen. Are you prepared for him to find another partner and have someone else mothering your children when they're at his place? Are you prepared to be a step mother and having to deal with someone else's children? Will that new partner of your have a psycho ex that will make your life hell?

    None of those things may happen. Or all of them could. Sucks huh! Splitting from your partner and starting over is just about the hardest thing you could do. So, it's up to you. But I can tell you this, if I was to have my time over again, I would be cutting ties with Jay, throwing myself into this relationship by going to counselling and trying 150% to make it work and then, if it doesn't, ending it knowing that you gave it your all and it just wasn't meant to be. This will require him to also come to the party and compromise too.

    Either road you take is a long and tough path and I'm now pretty happy in life. But my kids live hours away and I'll never be able to see them grow up the way I wanted. And I carry the guilt of not trying harder every single day. So, no real advice from me, but I hope that what I've written helps in some way. All the best.

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  5. #14
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    I personally think that it is worth giving the relationship a go, if nothing else I think it's better for kids to grow up with their parents together if possible. You say you care about him, he is your best friend and you can't imagine life without him. That to me sounds like a relationship worth saving. You also said you love him, but you are not "in love" with him. I'm going to assume that you were in love with him at some point and you had a physical relationship if you managed to make three kids so what has changed? How long have you been disgusted at the thought of having sex with him? What about Jay? Do you want to have sex with him?

    I think that in order to really work out what you want, you need to completely forget about Jay for now. Your feelings for him might be stopping you from thinking clearly. And it's not fair on your partner to be left hanging while you work it out. The other thing that I think is important to think about, is that just because you have strong feelings for Jay right now, doesn't mean you always will. Eventually, when you're with someone for a long time, those initial feelings of lust/love etc start to settle down and it becomes more of a comfortable friendship. And I assume that is what has happened now with your DP.

    If he really is your best friend, then isn't that what you want in a life partner? Why throw that away? If it's just the sex issue, I honestly think that can be worked on, especially if you happily had a physical relationship with him before. All the other issues (clinginess, depression etc) are probably more a result of the problems you are having rather than the cause and I think if you can work on the main issues, the others might resolve themselves. I think couples counselling would be a good idea, they would probably be able to give you some ways to work through your issues.

    I feel pretty sorry for the poor guy to be honest, you said yourself that you are taking his family away from him. I can only imagine how devastating that would be and I don't blame him for acting desperate

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    I think you have every right to feel however you want about the relationship and to leave if you want. But I think you are being a bit unfair to your partner/ex. You have ended the relationship and started another one with someone else (and I'm going to make assumptions here he has no idea you are sleeping with Jay), but have him still living there bc it's better for you financially. Even though you know he really wants you back and loves you still. I believe living together but not in a relationship can work, but both in the couple have to accept it's over. It seems obvious he is settling for this set up as he thinks you guys will patch it up.

    You really need to make a decision. If it's over, then he has to know that and you need to be ready to make your own way financially with CS. If you want to make it work, end things with this other guy and put 100% into making this work.

    I get you aren't attracted to him and why this is a huge issue in the relationship. The fact you've lost that spark isn't what raises my eye brows. It's that it seems you are playing both sides of the field here. On one hand you are acting single, but on the other you have him there for money and companionship and it's devastating him.

    I hope I didn't come across harsh, just another perspective to consider.

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    How long have you been feeling like this ? years or months ? Is there some sort of reason why you think that you no longer want to make love to your husband as often? I am assuming it is because of the kids and life is not as it used to be. Have you had a chat to your DH about how you are feeling about the sex ? Does he realise that you are feeling this way about it ? or you don't want to tell him this type of thing ? I am thinking that if he knows about the pressurised sex, then he may back off a little with it, and see how things go. Then tell him you would like it when YOU want it, not when he wants it all the time. Would that make a difference ? Sort of on your terms if he wants this to work for you both ? If that is the case, then I would also end speaking to Jay. You are using him for your emotional security rather than your DH. Sounds like you are happy with all other things in your life, but this love making is just not sitting right with you ? Or are there other factors that perhaps that are underlying ?

    I have been where you have, having to leave hubby and the state they go in (not fun) If you decide to leave, you have to try and block it. Get him to go out with friends or whatever, but he needs to have a distraction cos it sounds like he has to be around people all the time for him to function (like my XH).

    Good luck with your decision. But I am thinking that it is just a "down" section in your marriage, and hopefully you can come out the other side, because it does sound like you have a wonderful relationship and are really good friends and it sounds like you really do love him.

    Other suggestion is. Can you get away on a holiday for about 3-4 days, just the 2 of you, and try and reconnect out of the house? So that you don't have the day to day stresses of work life and kids. And go from there ? See if there is anything left in the tank ?

  10. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by GluttonForPunishment View Post
    Feel for you OP. I've been in similar shoes and let me share with you a description of how the leaving thing pans out: it's hard. Are you prepared for your financials to be stuffed? Split custody of the kids - what if he goes for 50%? What if he goes for full custody? What if, when they're 14, they decide they don't want to live with you and want to live with him? Are you emotionally prepared for those eventualities? Because despite what you may think, they can and will happen. Are you prepared for him to find another partner and have someone else mothering your children when they're at his place? Are you prepared to be a step mother and having to deal with someone else's children? Will that new partner of your have a psycho ex that will make your life hell?

    None of those things may happen. Or all of them could. Sucks huh! Splitting from your partner and starting over is just about the hardest thing you could do. So, it's up to you. But I can tell you this, if I was to have my time over again, I would be cutting ties with Jay, throwing myself into this relationship by going to counselling and trying 150% to make it work and then, if it doesn't, ending it knowing that you gave it your all and it just wasn't meant to be. This will require him to also come to the party and compromise too.

    Either road you take is a long and tough path and I'm now pretty happy in life. But my kids live hours away and I'll never be able to see them grow up the way I wanted. And I carry the guilt of not trying harder every single day. So, no real advice from me, but I hope that what I've written helps in some way. All the best.
    Very beautifully said and I get the point that you were trying to make....

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    Have you ever had the spark with your ex? A sex drive?

    I would say that it's fairly normal not to have the spark anymore after a number of years. And also quite easy to have the spark for a new fling. It's not because of the qualities of that new fling, it's mainly because he's new...

    Not so good to be repulsed by the idea of sex with your partner.
    However to me sex is one of the easiest thing to work on. It's driven by our biggest muscle, our brain. There are specialist out there to help
    with counseling in that area (nothing dodgy).
    If everything else is good in your relationship I cut my losses with Jay and work on improving my sexual relationship with "ex".

    It's much harder to find a best mate and a good parent than to find a good sexual partner.

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    Thank you all for your replies.
    You've given me a lot of food for thought.
    It sucks that it's happening over the Christmas period but at least DP and I will have the opportunity to spend a lot of time together given he'll be on holidays. Hopefully we can work things out. I might look into counselling and see what we can do.

    Wishing you all a Merry Christmas.
    Thanks again for your advice.

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    Your lack of desire could well be directly linked to his pushing for physical attention. The more he pushes, the more you pull away. Look up the book 'the sex starved marriage', it might be helpful. There are ways to fix things if that is the main thing driving you apart.
    Also I think you owe to yourselves to try counselling before giving up on things, at least you will know you gave it all you could.
    Last edited by oscmin; 18-12-2014 at 17:40.


 

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