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  1. #1
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    Default Ending it with DP. Feeling lost.

    Hi guys,

    I'm a fellow hubber gone incognito and really need some advice..
    It's a long story, but here goes.

    DP and I have been together since we were 15. We have 3 children, our eldest was unplanned and came along when we were 18, and our youngest is 2. We are great parents together and make a great team. We've always had a solid relationship (with many ups and even more downs) and he's always treated me like a Queen. He is a loving partner, and will do anything to make me happy. He's thoughtful, can be very romantic, and even does housework without me asking. This year would have marked 12 years together, but we've been separated for a few months.
    We've had a lot of issues over the years, the biggest one being sex. I feel he is actually addicted to it. He literally can't function without it. If I reject him at night gets really frustrated and can't sleep at all. If I reject him in the morning he gets really clingy and desperate for attention all freaking day.To keep him happy we have to dtd at least 4 times a week, which doesn't happen often because he works 8-5 and I work 8pm-midnight 4 nights a week. I do what I can to keep him happy. The biggest part of my problem is that I'm really not sexually attracted to him at all- to the point where I hate kissing him, and the thought of DTD repulses me. Don't get me wrong, it's awesome! He's great at what he does. There's no question over the quality (he's going to make one lady VERY happy one day), but I just don't feel connected with him. There are no sparks for me.. And it's always been that way.

    On and off over the past few years I've wanted to leave for a number of reasons, the above being the biggest issue. In April this year I told him I wanted a break (and at least twice since), but never went through with it because of guilt. He would always say that it's not fair because that way I'm getting what I want (no sex) while essentially using him when I need him, and he's not getting anything. I didn't want either of us to move out, so the kids could have both parents around, especially because I didn't want it to be a permanent thing. Since I didn't get the break I needed, I've felt suffocated. He's been even more overbearing ever since the first time I told him I needed a break, and he now has to know absolutely everything that I'm doing, when I'm doing it. I have to text him constantly throughout the day otherwise he feels neglected, and god forbid if I forget to mention any plans I've made that day or missed details of who I've spoken to or seen.

    Now, ironically, the reason we actually separated is because I started having feelings for my friend Jay, who also has feelings for me. He has a 5 year old, so we've regularly had playdates and hung out, etc, but it was always just as friends. We'd never discussed feelings for each other or anything, that is until we were both at a party and had had a few drinks. I told him he was drunk, I have a family and that nothings going to happen. We had a playdate planned with another friend the next day, so went through with that, where he pulled me aside and said he meant everything he said the night before. I once again said that I'm happy with DP and we have a family, etc that nothing will happen.
    Over the next week I did a lot of thinking. I realised that I wasn't actually happy with DP and haven't been for a long time. I realised that he doesn't make me happy, and I see him as a chore. I realised that I'd been dreading coming home to him after work at night.
    I told DP how I'd been feeling, and that I wanted to end it. He got really upset and has been struggling to deal with it all.

    In the time that we've been separated, I've been seeing Jay.. We have that spark that DP and I have been missing. He gives me the space I need, and doesn't question my every move, etc. He's also been very supportive in me doing what's best for my family and I and has even tried to talk me into going to counselling to try and fix my relationship..

    Now DP wants me to try again. Twice I've gone back to him because I've felt so terrible about how I've made him feel, and how badly he's coping. And each time I've realised that I just can't do it any more. I can't force myself to be with him. I was miserable each time I tried to fix things with him, and longed to be with Jay. DP has said things like he can't imagine life without us, and that he won't be here in 12 months (referring to suicide). He's stormed out of the house after a discussion (which there has been many of) and jumped in his car and yelled out the window that he 'may as well go and wrap this f-ing thing around a pole and get it over with'. His father has a history of aggression and depression, so I've tried to convince DP to go and talk to someone, but he declines because in his mind there's no point because we're his only reason for living. He's said that if he does go that far that it'll be my fault. I know he doesn't mean it, he's just upset.. And I don't hold any of this against him. I know I'd be distraught if the tables were turned.. This is easily the most horrible thing I've done in my life.

    The hardest thing is that DP has been my best friend for 14 years. In that time we've spent just about every single day together, so the thought of not having him there is daunting. The thought of hurting him so so much and taking his family away from him kills me. I love him a lot and will til the day I die, I just don't think I'm in love with him and haven't been in a long time.
    We're really trying to be amicable. We're still living together- partly trialing living together for the sake of the kids, and partly because I can't afford to live on my own. The thought of being a single parent is scary. I don't know how I'm going to afford living on my own with the kids. I have applied for the Single Parent Payment and it has been granted. So if there are any single Mums reading this, I'd love to hear how you manage!

    I really don't know what I'm looking to achieve by posting on here. I keep trying to convince myself to try and reconcile with DP, especially for the sake of the kids, and our lifestyle. It took so long for us to get where we are, especially money wise. Before we separated we were discussing that we'd soon be able to buy a house which is something we'd wanted since before we even had our first baby.. But it's not fair on either of us to continue this out of convenience. He deserves someone who will fall completely in love with him, or at the very least WANT to have sex with him... Because he really is a wonderful person.

    And I know things with Jay probably won't work out. I mean, what good can come from a relationship that began in such a way??

    I don't know what to do.
    I know I've been acting like a horrible person. I never thought I would find myself in this situation. I'm not proud of what I've done.
    I'm feeling really lost.

  2. #2
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    Firstly, big hugs.

    In the end, you should do whatever you need to do for your own happiness.

    Being a single mum is scary, but with a good budget, it can be done.

    Also being a single mum doesn't mean you'll be alone. Your kids dad should still be in their lives and he should still have responsibility and care for them.

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  4. #3
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    Been exactly where you are.
    Took me two ****e relationships and five years to figure out I should have worked it out with my partner. Him also being my best friend and being together for so long to begin with. You need to go ahead and do it for yourself before you can decide if you made the right decision. My ex and I both laugh now about the relationships we have with our current partners (him being married now) because we had such a carefree one to begin with, except of course the lack of sex and attraction I had to him. My advice is to stay strong in what you feel you want to do and remember it has to finish at some point if you want it to. :-)

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  6. #4
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    SuperGranny is offline Worlds best grandma! Winner 2012 - Most Helpful Member
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    wow. that is a sad situation. I really don't know what to suggest. my first instinct, is to stay put, apart from the s3x, you do have a good working relationship, your children are happy, your partner is a good man, and you are in a secure financial position. how important is the 'happy s3x life' part of your relationship.( speaking personally, now I am at menopause, s3x has zero importance for me.) if you don't expect your relationship with Jay to be long lasting, and solid , I would really think twice about moving on to be with him. would it be worth the drama of ending this to be with him for 6 months or whatever. im sorry, but I tend to think you have given many reasons to stay and not enough reasons to leave. hugs, marie.

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  8. #5
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    Thank you all for your replies.
    The problem is, the sex is a huge issue. He's never happy because I don't give him enough, and I feel like I'm forcing myself to all the time because it's what he wants. I'm often left feeling objectified and used because of it. Forcing myself to do it feels degrading.

    I feel like it's inevitable, us getting back together. I'm sure it will happen at some point, but I know we have a lot of stuff that we each need to work on.

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    Have you considered counselling for yourself to help sort out what you want?
    If you really do want to separate you need to move out and move on. I think living together is giving your husband false hope and really isn't fair.

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  11. #7
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    I have considered it more and more, and think I will seek it. I've been talking to my friends about it but it doesn't really help.

    I'm beginning to think the same thing, but I worry about him being alone with his thoughts. He's always struggled with being alone.

  12. #8
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    Personally, I don't think it's fair to try to work on your relationship while you're still pining for the other guy. It's not fair to your dp (or the other guy) and it makes your decision even more confusing. Either leave your dp for Jay now or cut ties with Jay and try to work on your relationship. If you end up deciding that you want to leave and Jay is still interested, you can see where that goes without the cloud of your dp over your heads.

    Good luck x

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  14. #9
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    That sounds like such a tough situation. From reading your post, it seems your instinct (to leave) is the right one...but of course it's a decision you have to make knowing all the details.

    The reason I say this is that my partner is like you describe - he needs sex. To him it's about intimacy and love, and a lack of sex makes him feel rejected and unloved. He can deal fine with lulls, but a long period with no sex, or me having sex purely for him would be so hurtful to him.

    It may sound petty to some, but everyone has their needs. Some people need lots of physical touch, some need kind words, some need gestures around the house to help them out etc., some need sex.

    My first thought would be compromise... going to counseling, and finding a way that you can both function so that you feel good about yourselves and each others. My partner and I, for example, went through a few months where we scheduled sex 3 times a week...it was kind of a compromise for us and it worked brilliantly because it removed any pressure or any chance of rejection. The issue here is that... if you're not sexually attracted to him, then you can't come to a compromise that's actually fair on you both. Perhaps counseling could help you to regain this? It could be worth a shot.

    If not, then I'd say that leaving is the only fair thing to do. As you say, your partner deserves someone who is in love with him, and attracted to him. If that can't be you, then I don't think it's fair to string him along and give him false hope.

    Good luck with whatever you decide.

  15. #10
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    Firstly it sounds like a lot is going on in your life and you need to get your space. You aren't going to find your answers if you are constantly texting him every minute of every day a d at the same time doing a suicide watch. If DP has become as controlling as you say I definitely think he needs to see a counsellor or someone as he has three kids to think about he can't be threatening these things, what happens if your children hear him say these things?

    Reading your post it sounds like you have made your mind up. Saying he will make someone else really happy one day. I couldn't imagine my DH sleeping with someone else so I couldn't write it so matter of fact.

    s.ex is an important part of any relationship, if you can't bring yourself to kiss him or touch him or dread even seeing him I think it's pretty clear that you love him as a person but you are no longer in love with him and it's better for your children that you be happy and showing them how love/a relationship should be as they will pick up on any resentment as they get older.

    Don't write off this relationship with Jay, it may work out. Stranger things have happened. My DH and I started off in a long distance relationship while he was very unhappily married and getting seperated and then divorced. It's a painful situation to be a part of with all the ups and downs and raw emotions but trust me it can work.

    all the best xx

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