I'm a fellow hubber gone incognito and really need some advice..
It's a long story, but here goes.
DP and I have been together since we were 15. We have 3 children, our eldest was unplanned and came along when we were 18, and our youngest is 2. We are great parents together and make a great team. We've always had a solid relationship (with many ups and even more downs) and he's always treated me like a Queen. He is a loving partner, and will do anything to make me happy. He's thoughtful, can be very romantic, and even does housework without me asking. This year would have marked 12 years together, but we've been separated for a few months.
We've had a lot of issues over the years, the biggest one being sex. I feel he is actually addicted to it. He literally can't function without it. If I reject him at night gets really frustrated and can't sleep at all. If I reject him in the morning he gets really clingy and desperate for attention all freaking day.To keep him happy we have to dtd at least 4 times a week, which doesn't happen often because he works 8-5 and I work 8pm-midnight 4 nights a week. I do what I can to keep him happy. The biggest part of my problem is that I'm really not sexually attracted to him at all- to the point where I hate kissing him, and the thought of DTD repulses me. Don't get me wrong, it's awesome! He's great at what he does. There's no question over the quality (he's going to make one lady VERY happy one day), but I just don't feel connected with him. There are no sparks for me.. And it's always been that way.
On and off over the past few years I've wanted to leave for a number of reasons, the above being the biggest issue. In April this year I told him I wanted a break (and at least twice since), but never went through with it because of guilt. He would always say that it's not fair because that way I'm getting what I want (no sex) while essentially using him when I need him, and he's not getting anything. I didn't want either of us to move out, so the kids could have both parents around, especially because I didn't want it to be a permanent thing. Since I didn't get the break I needed, I've felt suffocated. He's been even more overbearing ever since the first time I told him I needed a break, and he now has to know absolutely everything that I'm doing, when I'm doing it. I have to text him constantly throughout the day otherwise he feels neglected, and god forbid if I forget to mention any plans I've made that day or missed details of who I've spoken to or seen.
Now, ironically, the reason we actually separated is because I started having feelings for my friend Jay, who also has feelings for me. He has a 5 year old, so we've regularly had playdates and hung out, etc, but it was always just as friends. We'd never discussed feelings for each other or anything, that is until we were both at a party and had had a few drinks. I told him he was drunk, I have a family and that nothings going to happen. We had a playdate planned with another friend the next day, so went through with that, where he pulled me aside and said he meant everything he said the night before. I once again said that I'm happy with DP and we have a family, etc that nothing will happen.
Over the next week I did a lot of thinking. I realised that I wasn't actually happy with DP and haven't been for a long time. I realised that he doesn't make me happy, and I see him as a chore. I realised that I'd been dreading coming home to him after work at night.
I told DP how I'd been feeling, and that I wanted to end it. He got really upset and has been struggling to deal with it all.
In the time that we've been separated, I've been seeing Jay.. We have that spark that DP and I have been missing. He gives me the space I need, and doesn't question my every move, etc. He's also been very supportive in me doing what's best for my family and I and has even tried to talk me into going to counselling to try and fix my relationship..
Now DP wants me to try again. Twice I've gone back to him because I've felt so terrible about how I've made him feel, and how badly he's coping. And each time I've realised that I just can't do it any more. I can't force myself to be with him. I was miserable each time I tried to fix things with him, and longed to be with Jay. DP has said things like he can't imagine life without us, and that he won't be here in 12 months (referring to suicide). He's stormed out of the house after a discussion (which there has been many of) and jumped in his car and yelled out the window that he 'may as well go and wrap this f-ing thing around a pole and get it over with'. His father has a history of aggression and depression, so I've tried to convince DP to go and talk to someone, but he declines because in his mind there's no point because we're his only reason for living. He's said that if he does go that far that it'll be my fault. I know he doesn't mean it, he's just upset.. And I don't hold any of this against him. I know I'd be distraught if the tables were turned.. This is easily the most horrible thing I've done in my life.
The hardest thing is that DP has been my best friend for 14 years. In that time we've spent just about every single day together, so the thought of not having him there is daunting. The thought of hurting him so so much and taking his family away from him kills me. I love him a lot and will til the day I die, I just don't think I'm in love with him and haven't been in a long time.
We're really trying to be amicable. We're still living together- partly trialing living together for the sake of the kids, and partly because I can't afford to live on my own. The thought of being a single parent is scary. I don't know how I'm going to afford living on my own with the kids. I have applied for the Single Parent Payment and it has been granted. So if there are any single Mums reading this, I'd love to hear how you manage!
I really don't know what I'm looking to achieve by posting on here. I keep trying to convince myself to try and reconcile with DP, especially for the sake of the kids, and our lifestyle. It took so long for us to get where we are, especially money wise. Before we separated we were discussing that we'd soon be able to buy a house which is something we'd wanted since before we even had our first baby.. But it's not fair on either of us to continue this out of convenience. He deserves someone who will fall completely in love with him, or at the very least WANT to have sex with him... Because he really is a wonderful person.
And I know things with Jay probably won't work out. I mean, what good can come from a relationship that began in such a way??
I don't know what to do.
I know I've been acting like a horrible person. I never thought I would find myself in this situation. I'm not proud of what I've done.
I'm feeling really lost.