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  1. #21
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    From what you have described in your post, you would fit the criteria for someone living in a domestic violence relationship.

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    Mummy Potato  (07-12-2014)

  3. #22
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    My DH and I had a fight last night/outcome is he admits he is abusive, so that is a start!

    We have been meaning to go to therapy for AGES but we just can't afford it at the moment.

    I was expecting him to be defensive (which he was/don't get me wrong) but to actually agree he is abusive was a shock. I didn't know what to say.

    I recorded out argument last night (as someone suggested/I could tell he was on edge so I just set my iphone to record)

    15 minutes of rubbish. I learnt a few things about myself too. DH still hasn't listened to it yet.. He doesn't want to I do think.

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    Chillies  (08-12-2014)

  5. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by FITCHICK View Post
    Just called my sister to tell her, for the first time, that I've come to terms with the fact that my husband is abusive.. Her attitude was 'oh, I wouldn't think too much of it, most husbands are like that'

    Can you tell me, does your husband;
    *yell at you
    *blame you for everything
    *control your finances & tell you what you can /can't buy
    *insult your intelligence
    *show little respect for you
    *treat you like a burden

    He also comments on my behaviour all the time & how I act/speak to his friends & family
    "don't say that again. You sounded up yourself saying that, that was rude don't talk/act like that"
    He has to give me his two cents on everything I do from wiping the bench tops to business decisions.. And it's always negative criticism. Never positive.

    I'm just tired. Tired of defending myself to a man that doesn't really deserve any explanations.

    I've been reading a lot about abusive partnerships & one thing that really struck out was how well he can compose himself when he's talking to EVERYONE else. He has a great job, friends & family & they would think he is the nicest quietest most polite man.. But he's anything but towards me. He clearly has the ability to control himself he just chooses to let loose with me.

    He's not 'intentionally physically violent' although he has conveniently accidentally hurt me when she's had the sh1ts before (hit me in the face with a coat hanger most recently)

    He's a great dad & treats his daughter like a princess he just has zero respect for her mother. Yesterday I told him he either pulls his socks up & makes an effort or we are out of here (again)

    Now that dd is getting older I don't want her thinking it's acceptable for her husband to speak to her/treat her like her father treats me.

    I'm interested in hearing bother ends of the spectrum of opinions & advice.

    We've been together for 7 years & I feel like I can't do anything right (I don't even bother to try any more I just try my best to avoid & ignore him)
    My ex hubby was the same. I left him, it's the best decision I ever made.

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    CMF  (07-12-2014),zoz  (07-12-2014)

  7. #24
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    I'm not on here often, so I could be wrong, but I remember you having issues with him before. Didn't you leave him previously?

    Honestly, if that's the case, then I would really evaluate if I wanted to be with someone who didn't attempt to make any real changes. The way he treats you is not okay. If you wouldn't accept that treatment from a stranger on the street, then you shouldn't accept that treatment from somebody who says that they love you.

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    Little Miss Sunshine  (07-12-2014)

  9. #25
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    The fact he accepted he is abusive should be an indicator to him he must change. So in a way it's good he acknowledges it, as long as he can change.

    I on the other hand don't have a DH that acknowledges his behavior. He thinks his attitude is completely acceptable. I read your checklist in your initial post and checked on all of them.

    I feel for you very much so, I don't have much advice apart from to say you are not alone and huge hugs.

    Often family members will dismiss behavior like this as they don't want to get involved or accept anything is wrong. I don't bother telling any of my family, I know they'd dismiss it or tell me I'm over exaggerating. It's sad but true for alot of relationships.

    I hope you sort things or get the help you need, hopefully I will oneday too. Stay strong!

  10. #26
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    You listed every trait my dh has. He is amazing with ds but treats me like a burden.
    If he is willing to try I say go for it. In my case dh regularly says he will try but never does.

  11. #27
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    Yep okay 'honeymoon period' was short lived. DH is back in a bad mood.

    DD was particularly high needs & demanding this morning. Only took DH 5 minutes to lose his cool with her.

    Couldn't have a shower in peace. Dd was in tears banging on the door & I can't help but think 'can't you just keep her occupied for 5 minutes while I take care of my own basic needs'

    DH thinks I don't discipline her enough, I feel like he doesn't understand her condition (ASD) he can't attend any appointments because they're all during business hours, so I have to relay everything to him & I don't think he respects my knowledge or intelligence.

    This morning Dd is running around in her own little world, DH gets angry because she's not listening, then DD gets upset because he yelled at her (dd won't acknowledge most of what's said to her unless she's looking at you or touching you) DD crying = DD angry = dd becomes increasingly disobedient & eventually snaps at her dad, ends up in time out, screams for 4 minutes, comes out to apologise to DH but she's got no idea what she's in trouble for (if you want her to learn anything it's important to keep her calm, set her off & there's no reasoning with her)

    I've told DH this, but I don't know, he just does things his own way.

    Dd is sometimes really high strung & high needs & no amount of discipline will knock it out of her.

    I feel like ASD children are physically & mentally incapable of living in our world. They can't just 'enter' your world & communicate with you, but you can learn to communicate with them (in my DDs case anyway)

    Yelling at dd upsets her/sets her anxiety off (she HATES being in trouble & turns into a mess)

    But gently touch her arm, speak to her softly, ask her nicely & she will bend over backwards to help & 'be a good girl' she's always asking if she can help me & is enjoying becoming more independent.

    when she's out of control or aggressive i do have to put her in her room until she's calmed down & she just comes out when she's ready.

    So DD went off to school screaming & DH in a huff about my 'lecture' re: yelling at her is pointless.

    I told him I understand he is human, I lose it & yell sometimes to, but we both need to try not to because dd just copies us & it does nothing to help her behaviour.

    Anyway just thought id update.

    I have no idea what to do. Yes I have left DH before but it's so hard! We both love dd we both want full custody neither of us want 50:50 which is what we would get.. We need ongoing counselling..

  12. #28
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    Sounds like he is really struggling with your dd. He needs to start attending appointments & learning how to manage her behaviour. No excuse, but I don't think he understands & is taking his frustration out on both of you.

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  14. #29
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    My boys are autistic. Both different types and different needs. DH thinks it's not on to treat the oldest one different. Thinks Ds1 needs to learn to cope with the real world. As a mum you know you need to approach it different and help your child cope and learn. I agree with above post. No excuses your dh has to go to appointments. No way is he getting full custody if he doesn't. He won't deal. Don't make it about you. If he loves your dd he needs to go. He needs to talk to your specialist and ask his own questions. It's not your job to be his go between and as you said he doesn't listen anyway. Good luck hun. It's not easy.

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