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  1. #1
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    Default Domesticating your other half

    OK, so to get DH back from working FIFO, crazy me has decided to work full time next year (primary teaching). I've got the job, DH is trying to work out what his new job here will be - so we don't know his hours yet, but with both of us working full time things can NOT be how they have been for the most part.

    When we first got together, he was terribly undomesticated, but I was happy to take him as he was for all his good points. Now, nearly 10 years later, with a 7yo and 18mo (who still doesn't sleep through every night!), I can't be so sentimental. He's also spent most of the past 10 years running his own business, hence me putting career on hold and keeping house for us. This is a real role reversal for us and I'm looking forward to being the breadwinner again.

    So, bring it on - every tip, trick, manipulation, blackmail, every thing that has worked to change your other half from doing 1% of the home duties to 50%. He's not too bad on the child wrangling, it's cleaning, shopping, organising, etc that will need a LOT of work.

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    This has worked for me:

    The idea he is a role model and he is sending powerful messages to his kids about marriage. It doesn't matter if you have girls or boys, he is teaching them the woman is responsible for the housework and should put her career on hold. Would he be ok with his daughter marrying a man that did nothing around the house? Would he be ok with his son doing nothing? What messages is his behaviour sending?

    Clear requests on what needs to be done so he can get to know your routine. Men need stuff in black and white. furthermore, he then can't say you don't verbalise what you want done and how you like it done. If you don't like peg marks on the shoulders and like them hung from the bottoms, tell him so. That way everyone wins, you get the help you need and he feels you appreciate him.

    Don't lower your standard just because he is male. He's a man, he's not an idiot, don't let him play that card

    Show appreciation. We as women want that too do we not? I love when DH tells me I'm the best cook, I'm so organised, I'm a great wife. Puffing him up will not only make him feel worthwhile and valuable, he'll want to do it more bc he feels that.

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    I am going back to full time work this week also. DH is so not going to do the house work so he is paying for a cleaner.
    My idea but I made him think it was his.
    This way we are both happy and get more time with the kids.
    Plus the cleaner preps dinner!

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    "Dear hubby. Now we are both working we need to share the housework 50/50. This is not negotiable. Feel free to hide which housework you will do, otherwise duties will be assigned to you by your wife. Thankyou."

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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    "Dear hubby. Now we are both working we need to share the housework 50/50. This is not negotiable. Feel free to hide which housework you will do, otherwise duties will be assigned to you by your wife. Thankyou."
    Ah, VP. You're always good for a laugh! This conversation was had when the option of me working full time was put on the table and reiterated once I was offered the contract. If I actually thought it would do the trick I wouldn't need to start this thread!

    The biggest issue is that his concept of 100 ( to be split 50/50) is about my 30.

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    Could you try this: ask him what 'responsibilities' he'd like you to be responsible for and be specific. He can't just say cleaning, he has to say vacuuming etc.

    Let him have his say, then list off what that leaves and say brightly 'ok, so I'll do x y z and you can do a b c d e f g h i j k...' and include absolutely everything you've ever done like dust bust the vacuum or whatever. If he balks at that then generously offer to split it. That way you're being fair and reasonable and he gets a sense of the full 100%?

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    I don't ask. I just tell him what needs to get done and than leave him to it.
    I send a text with the list. That way he can't lose it.

    No discussion. No how do feel about this. Just your a parent so this is what need to be done. He does the same for me if there is something extra or special that needs to be done.
    He see it that I run the household so I get to hand out jobs. Since I am a sahm and he works I do most of the work but I only need to tell him something needs doing and it gets done. Often not the way I do it but that ok.

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    I made lists for DH. Not 'today you need to do this' lists, but my weekly lists so he could visually see what it involved to keep the house running. It helped.
    I simplified things where possible...I order groceries online etc. so he doesn't have to shop for the week.
    Make menu plans for the week and then leave the recipe out so he can start dinner if this will be his job too.
    And give him time....he's not an idiot, but he won't be as efficient as you at first while he learns how to manage the time best.

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    I have tried a few things over the years and dh is getting much better. Some things I've done:

    - getting him to make a housework/cooking roster for the two of you that he thinks is fair. This can be a bit much if he's never done anything but maybe build up to this.

    - give him choices. Tell him "the bathroom needs to be cleaned and the carpet needs to be vacuumed, which would you prefer to do? I'll do the other"

    - Get him to menu plan with you and start by asking "which nights would you prefer to cook?" Then record this on the calendar. Then ask "what do you want to cook on those nights?" And get him to add to the shopping list what he'll need. (Note when I first tried this dh's first night cooking we had take away because he forgot to defrost the meat!)

    - don't praise him for helping you. This isn't your job that he is assisting with, it is your joint responsibility and he's just doing his share.

    - let him do things his own way, and accept that it might not be done to the same standard as what you would have. At least it's done and you didn't have to do it!

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    Tbh, if you are both working full time and you have different standards of cleanliness I would suggest hiring a cleaner once a week/fortnight. You can ask/tell/remind all you want, but if dirty floors don't bother him I doubt he will be picking up the mop each week, iykwim.

    I consider myself lucky that dh has had a stint at being the sahp so he knows what it entails and is always in the loop with our morning/evening routines, etc. He knows what day ds has library, or sport, or so on and what he needs to bring for those days. That alone is a huge help. I don't feel I need to be there to get ds off to school with everything he needs. I would suggest handing over the pick up/drop off routine for your oldest for a couple weeks so he can get the hang of this if he hasn't already.

    maybe start a diary with all upcoming events, etc. so he is always in the loop of bday parties/social engagements. Even include 'buy XX present for party on weekend' a few days in advance, so he can get more of a grasp of the forethought required. I would think he will eventually pick this up more.

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