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  1. #31
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    my son is doing the same thing this year with his gf and their son 6 months of age.. my first grandchild- i get to see them Boxing day and im really annoyed but he is an adult and not much i can do but i do sympathise.

    dont let negative nellies on here make you feel bad, we are allowed to feel sad when our kids arent with us on special days.. im sure if it happened to them they would feel s**ty ....

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    Quote Originally Posted by WiseOldOwl View Post
    No guarantee I'll get next year if he is still with this GF. She seems to control everything they do. No guilt tripping. I'm not going to say anything. Sucking it up right now.
    you and i could be writing about the same son and girlfriend....

  4. #33
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    Huge hugs to you. I can imagine how sad you are feeling. For me, Christmas is really important to my mum, and for that reason I've always found a way to make it work to see her, even if I have had to spend all day going between families. I would feel awful if I abandoned her on the day.

    Luckily for me, my MIL is Hungarian and celebrates Christmas Eve so we have a way to keep everyone happy.

    I wouldn't put pressure on your son (indirectly by expressing how you feel), and would try to make the best of it this year. I'd bet money that he is feeling conflicted about it.

    I love the idea of starting a tradition on either side of Christmas Day. I guess it's all about compromise in the end - it never stops just because our children grow up. But I'm sorry it's so painful to you.

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  6. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by WiseOldOwl View Post
    Gee thanks, way to kick a person when they are down. Yes right now I am bitter. And to be honest GF is a bit of a PITA, but I'm always nice to her and cook her dinner even if she never says thanks for dinner.
    She might be his wife one day. Getting these feelings of resentment now will only boil over later on and he will feel that. It will push him away even more. Calling her controlling isnt very nice, he is an adult and its his decision ultimately. Im sure its not a personal attack against you or your xmas by her.

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  8. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by brooketobub View Post
    She might be his wife one day. Getting these feelings of resentment now will only boil over later on and he will feel that. It will push him away even more. Calling her controlling isnt very nice, he is an adult and its his decision ultimately. Im sure its not a personal attack against you or your xmas by her.
    I can't help but resent her and if it were your son you would too. I don't think it would have been his idea. He probably thinks it doesn't matter to me, obviously it does. She is controlling whether it's nice or not. I see it everyday when he complains about having to do things he doesn't want to. But I'll let it go and try and concentrate on DS2 having a great day. I let my sister know and this was what she wrote back.

    How do you feel about that?
    It's only one day that they would be apart and they're not married that they have to share their time between parents.
    The girls always came to our Christmas even if they had a boyfriend.
    We're a bit disappointed about that. I expect you are too.
    We're going to miss him.

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    Isn't the saying you have a daughter for life and a son until he takes a wife?
    Even if she is controlling your son is a big boy and can make his own decisions.
    I think you need to find a way to move past the resentment or it will bite you in the a$$.

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    It sucks, but I would do my best to leave it be this year or at least offer to have breakfast or dinner with them. Ask him whether they would prefer to have lunch or dinner with your family next year and plan accordingly, if they change their plans after that you have a right to chuck a tantrum

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lincolns mummy View Post
    Isn't the saying you have a daughter for life and a son until he takes a wife?
    Even if she is controlling your son is a big boy and can make his own decisions.
    I think you need to find a way to move past the resentment or it will bite you in the a$$.
    I agree that I need to move past the resentment, just not sure how to do that.

  12. #39
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    If it were me I'd respect HIS decision (made independently or under advice it doesn't matter, he's made a decision) and not say anything negative to either of them at all.

    Growing up we always did Xmas lunch, as do a lot of people, and the first year my older sister and her now DH did Xmas they went to their respective separate lunches. Year after they had to choose a Xmas because they couldn't be in two places at once and wanted to spend it together, as you do when you start getting serious and forming your own memories. So the following year, my mum got proactive about it and moved the celebration to dinner so they could attend both, and every year since she's scheduled dinner or even Xmas eve dinner to make sure she can have everyone together.

    Having everyone together is more important than maintaining a specific time, IMO.

    They might already have intentions of alternating Xmas lunches if they know neither of them are going to ever shift in time, and reasonably that's the best you can hope for in this situation.

    If my mum told me she was upset or MIL told DH she was upset about our choice for Xmas when there was a physical impossibility of being at both, then yes, I would consider that completely unreasonable.

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  14. #40
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    Please be careful identifying this GF as controlling.
    Whatever your DS says to you, it sounds like he says different to the GF or agrees to do things anyway.
    As others have said, as children grow this is inevitable that they will go their own way or alternate.
    Are YOU prepared to compromise at all? With Christmas tea instead of lunch this year? Or Boxing Day?
    If not, and it's ALWAYS lunch, then you have to accept that some years you'll miss out. Whether it's this GF, or a different one in future. Or a wife.
    I would not tell him you're sh*tty I would say "of course I'd love to see you for lunch but I understand. I look forward to seeing you both next year for lunch."
    That tells him you expect to see them next year without guilt this year.
    For the record, how you feel is how you feel. It's not up to anyone to say you're unreasonable. You're allowed to feel how you feel. It's verbalising it that would be unreasonable IMO.

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