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  1. #1
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    Default Advice in regards to Ex Husband

    Longish story.

    My DF contracts for the Defence. He is currently working in Canberra while I stay at home with the kids (3.5 hours away).

    DF has just secured a new contract starting in January but this time it's in Sydney (5.5 hours away). I need to go with him because we are due to have our baby in 3 days and I can't or don't want to have him be away from the baby. This will be his first baby as the other kids (DS 12 / DD 8)are from my previous marriage. Older two children before that. His contract is initially for 6 months with the view of extension for another 12 months. We have decided that we will stay in Sydney for the next 3 years because my DD (15) will be in her last 3 years of high school and we want her to be settled going into her senior years. We will rent our house out here.

    My issue. My ex DH has just told me that I cannot take our DD (8) and that she can live with him. My DS (12) lives with him because of his school, sport, friends etc. I have him every second weekend and whenever I want during the week, depending on sport. I try and grab him as much as I can. My ex DH only has our DD every second weekend and nothing more (his choice). Since 2012, I have been in both Melbourne and Sydney (because of the contracting) with DD and my ex DH has had no problem with it. I would fly or drive the kids back to him once a month and share school holidays. He was fine with it. No court or solicitors at all. Now he's carrying on. He even went as far to imply that my DF and I are having a baby and are replacing DD so what's my problem?? Seriously, who says that??

    So I guess I need some reassurance. Can he take my DD? Can he stop me going to Sydney with DF (who will DH in June)?

    I'm going to call a solicitor in the morning. I just can't believe he's pulling this sh*t now.

  2. #2
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    Allymumtobe is offline Winner 2012 - Most Optimistic Poster
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    I don't believe he can stop you unless you move States and even then I'm pretty sure it's pretty hard to stop you. Could strain the arrangement you have for your DS though because he could make that difficult.

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  4. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by [Mod] Allymumtobe View Post
    I don't believe he can stop you unless you move States and even then I'm pretty sure it's pretty hard to stop you. Could strain the arrangement you have for your DS though because he could make that difficult.
    Thank you. We live on the NSW/VIC border. I'm in NSW side and he's in VIC. He was in VIC when I went to Sydney the first time.

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    From what I understand, he could take you to court to stop you moving/taking your DD.

    How will your DS cope with you being so far away?

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    Quote Originally Posted by CMF View Post
    From what I understand, he could take you to court to stop you moving/taking your DD.

    How will your DS cope with you being so far away?
    Yeah I'm worried about that, but he's never bothered before.

    I was away from him in Sydney for 8 months. I flew him up once a month and school holidays. It was incredibly hard for me and no doubt for him to. I will ask him if he'd like to come too but he won't because if school etc. I completely understand that, but i will always give him that option. He'll be starting high school next year.

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    I can understand him being upset that you want to move so far away with his daughter. That will make access very hard for all of you. I also understand why you want to move. Coparenting is tough.

    I believe he is well within his rights to stop you from taking your daughter, but it can take a long time and court dates. I'd definitely get legal advice and look into how you can compromise and make everyone feel safe and comfy with your plans.

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    Thank you. It's hard for all involved and I understand that.

    I called a solicitor this morning and I have an appointment with them in two weeks. Hopefully we can have something drawn up and an agreement with ought having to attend court.

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    Would you be prepared to fly her every 2nd weekend from Sydney? If so, it would be no different to what he has now. If you can afford it, that's what i'd offer. Seems to me your ex is not impressed that you have had the gall to create a child with someone else

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    This must be incredibly stressful, especially with bub due so soon.

    I am going to try and provide some independent unbiased advice. I am sorry if this hurts you, that is not my intention. You sound like a lovely lady and great mum.

    You have concerns about your ex-hubby being ok with your DD living away before, but changing his mind now. I understand why you are confused however I see where your hubby is coming from. Now that your DD is older he has probably been able to engage with her more... And grown super fond of her during the time he has been living in the same town as her. He is probably scared that their relationship will be negatively impacted if your DD moves to Sydney. And let's be honest no matter how proactive and flexible you are, their relationship will be negatively impacted. On top of that your DD is getting to an age where moving around all the time can be incredibly damaging to her development. I know this as my family moved around a lot when I was younger, every couple of years or so. I was terrified of starting new schools, scared of making new friends (and in some places never really had friends), my education suffered not because I had a learning difficulty, rather that trying to learn in a new school where the methods and curriculum are different, and where you feel alone and scared, makes learning bloody hard. The only thing that saved me was my parents settling down in one place before high school started. 15 I think is way past the age where a move won't be damaging. At that age friendship groups are already cemented in stone and it's difficult for outsiders.

    It's a very difficult spot for you to be in. As for solutions... You are going to need to have calm, open and honest dialogue with your ex. Don't accuse him of trying to cause trouble because chances are he too only has your kids best interests at heart. Try and come up with ideas so that the father-daughter relationship won't suffer (Skype twice per week etc). In a tricky case such as this I don't think your ex or your children should pay the price for your DF having a nomadic career. If you can't reach an agreement with your ex, would your DF (instead of your Ex and kids) be prepared to make the sacrifice? (Move to where you are even if it means a change in career?). I know this would be hard and easier said than done. However if your DF won't be prepared to at least consider it, that would concern me.
    Last edited by VicPark; 01-12-2014 at 14:15.

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    Quote Originally Posted by BbBbBh View Post
    Would you be prepared to fly her every 2nd weekend from Sydney? If so, it would be no different to what he has now. If you can afford it, that's what i'd offer. Seems to me your ex is not impressed that you have had the gall to create a child with someone else
    Sounds like a nice idea but in reality I think it would be very disruptive. The poor child wouldn't be able to have any normal weekend sport activities etc.,


 

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