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  1. #1
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    Default A tough road ahead ............

    Hi there, I'm about to vent because I have no-one else to talk to about this.

    Hubby and I have been having issues for quite some time now, we have been married for 12 years and have a 10yo DD and 6yo DS who are my world (and probably part of DH'S problem, sadly enough). He feels like the kids have taken me away from him and that I have no time for him anymore. He feels like he works hard and we don't appreciate him. His dad was treated like a king by his mum, still is, and whatever he says goes. He did nothing for DH, didn't go to any of his sporting events, and treated him very poorly. So DH never had a good role model to look up to and finds it hard being a dad sometimes I think. I, on the other hand, had the best dad in the world and find DH really hard to relate to with regards to our children. He can be quite negative towards them, acts like they're the biggest pain in he **** at times (mainly when he's angry at me cause he knows that talking to them like that really sh!ts me), and just not as loving & nurturing as I believe a parent should be. We are rarely intimate these days, and TBH he bores me (he's more than happy to sit at home every weekend and catch up on motor sport or rugby instead of suggesting family outings, and I want to enjoy my kids while they're young).

    So basically I need to make a decision, one which really scares me because I don't know how I will cope financially without him. He is from NZ and has expressed his desire to return if we should split up. He also said that he thinks it would be too hard just seeing the kids for a weekend here and there (because it will cost a fortune to fly them over there and TBH I don't want them going to another country) and that he would just walk away, leave me with everything, and I mean everything. This would be a very peaceful solution for me and although my kids would probably cope ok without him (he's not very involved in their lives anyway) they would inevitably miss him, and I don't want them feeling like he has abandoned them. Also, if things got nasty would he have the kids for a week or so (in NZ) and not send them back. This scares me more than anything! What can I do to prevent that happening.

    I guess my questions are how will I cope financially without him, do Centrelink pay single mums reasonably well (I do work 3 days a week atm) ... can I work something out so that he can't take them to NZ and not send them back?? After any advice from anyone because I have some tough decisions to make, and probably need to make them sooner rather than later. I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life, waiting for these same old dilemas to resurface every few months. I want to be happy, and I want my kids to be happy, and ultimately I want DH to be happy too because atm we aren't so something has to be done about that!

    Thanks for listening, good to get that off my chest

  2. #2
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    Centrelink definitely do not pay single parents reasonably well but that doesn't mean you can't make do with what you will receive. On the upside you work and you won't be turfed off the pension until your youngest is 8. That all helps right now.

    Given that the kids already reside in Australia somewhat gives you the upper hand. Your partner/ex won't just be able to take them to NZ and not return them. Make sure you have a formal agreement in place upon separating ( if you do).
    You can always speak to legal aid or a lawyer about these matters for clarification too.

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  4. #3
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    Hugs to you for what you are enduring at the moment. I know @crankyoldcow is very knowledgeable about the legal aspect so will leave that to her when she returns.

    Centrelink has links on the website to what you may be entitled to and you can input your circumstances to get a rough estimate. I think it's roughly $700/fnight for one child for SPP, then you may also qualify for rent assistance and family tax benefit A and B and a health care card as well. It's possible to survive but not thrive in my experience (and I work three days a week and rent).

    Just a couple of questions and comments - if your husband walks away and leaves you with everything does that include debt and mortgage? Child support? I would be assuming the worst (personal experience) and having anything resembling an agreement regarding your children drawn up legally.

    Also, and this is from my own experience so I am biased I confess, I felt my blood boil a little reading your post. The ramifications of feeling abandoned by my father (who lived/lives in a different country) have affected me well into my adulthood, and I have severe abandonment issues.

    If there are no issues such as abuse, I would find it difficult to just accept his decision to leave like this. It might be hard and expensive to arrange visitation. Not your kids' fault! I'm not trying to make you feel bad, just if there is any part of you that is uneasy with the prospect of him walking away from his children like that then it's worth fighting for him not to iykwim? Ultimately I know it's his choice, and I do understand that. And yes, his happiness and yours is definitely something to consider.

    Also, it may be harder for him to just walk away than he first thought. So I would be having very clear conversations with him about the future of your parenting relationship to avoid him walking in and out of your lives.

    Hope this helps a little.

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    Quote Originally Posted by harvs View Post
    Also, and this is from my own experience so I am biased I confess, I felt my blood boil a little reading your post. The ramifications of feeling abandoned by my father (who lived/lives in a different country) have affected me well into my adulthood, and I have severe abandonment issues.
    The last thing I want is for my children to feel abandoned by their father, and it actually blew me away when he said that ... fair enough if our relationship breaks down or he doesn't love me anymore, whatever, but you don't just stop being a parent ... I find it totally unbelievable. So I guess I have to decide, do I stay in an unhappy marriage until the children are older so my kids don't feel abandoned (hubby and I could probably live together as 'friends' quite amicably) ... or do I leave him and take my children, and just hope and pray that he doesn't abandon them. My daughter, who is 10, already feels sad and says how unfair it is that she doesn't have grandparents (my parents died when I was young, my kids are so unlucky never knowing them because they would have been awesome grandparents, and DH'S parents live in NZ and they're not your typical loving, maternal grandparents so imagine how they'd struggle if DH left them). I think it's incredibly selfish of DH to say that.

    With regards to leaving me with everything he did say that he would dissolve the business and I doubt that he would leave me with work debts. He meant the car, all furniture etc., we rent so there's no mortgage but I worry how I'd pay the rent where we are now on a single income ($1600pm), and I suppose I'd get some kind of child support from him when he got himself a job in NZ.

    Thanks for the advice, crankyoldcow, you've given me alot to think about. I didn't know that he could apply for NZ passports for both the kids without my consent. That is always in the back of my mind and a huge concern for me. You hear terrible stories of what one parent does to the children or their ex-partner when a relationship falls apart, very scary stuff!!

    I will definately contact Centrelink and see what I can find out re what I would be entitled to, then weigh everything up and make some decisions.

    I really appreciate all the feedback ladies, thank you so much!

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    I don't think staying in an unhappy relationship to prevent the kids from feeling abandoned from their father is a wise idea.
    I'm sure the tense and unhappy home life would be far more detrimental.
    I was abandoned by my father as a child with no ill effects. It honestly doesn't faze me at all. As an adult looking back i'm glad i was cut out of his life. What would the alternative been had he of felt he was forced to maintain contact? I doubt it would have been a very healthy, happy father/daughter relationship. I too had no grandparents and very little in the way of family full stop. It's definitely not something i lose sleep over.
    Every single situation is different. There is no point in stressing over the what ifs. Your partner stating that he will leave have little to no involvement with the kids may just be nothing more than words. Maybe he can sense his relationship falling to pieces right in front of him and is terrified of the what the future holds, and that's why he lashes out making such claims? I don't know... just a possibility, we all tend to say things we don't mean when we are unhappy and hurting.

  9. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by crankyoldcow View Post
    Is it possible he just said that to manipulate you into staying together?
    I think he uses the kids to hurt me because that's the only thing that can ... like tonight for example he said something to the kids, they ignored him or didn't say 'yes dad' and he slammed a few doors, yelled that no-one appreciates him etc., then when DD went to say goodnight to him he said 'bring your mini trampoline out of the rain' and she said 'where should I put it?' ... he said 'I don't care anymore, don't care what you do' and he knows how much it upsets me when he talks to them like that, like he doesn't give a rats about them ... he makes them feel bad, and that in turn makes me angry

    I think he knows that we're heading for a separation ... he wants more intimacy, TBH I don't ... he's said that he wants to stay married to me, that he loves me, but he wants me to show him that I want him (and I just can't do that atm, I don't want to be intimate with a grumpy, negative man who is being mean to my kids), he wants more sex and if I don't want to give it to him would I be ok with him getting it elsewhere . The sad part is I actually don't think that would bother me, but it wouldn't be the most conventional marriage


    95% of the time he is a nice, kind, caring man but when he aint gettin' any lovin' he turns into a cranky b@stard and the only way he can hurt me is through the kids (which is sad because it's not their fault, they don't understand why daddy is grumpy all the time). I would hope that if we did split up he would still remain in their lives because at the end of the day they naturally love him, no matter what.

    HarvestMoon, I have always said that I wouldn't stay in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of the children, now here I am plodding along in an unhappy marriage because a) I'm scared of doing it on my own (financially), b) I don't want to feel responsible for my kids not having their dad in their lives, and c) it's not a violent or abusive relationship - we just don't seem to make each other happy anymore and I really want happiness for me, for him and for our kids.

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    I'm not sure if it is but I think him being grumpy and short with them to get at you is abuse.
    They are kids. They don't know what they are doing wrong or to deserve being spoken to like that.
    I know because my dh does it to my Ds1 and I have to explain to them both that is not on.
    You need to let your dh know its not ok. It's also not ok to make you feel like you have to have s.x to keep him in a good mood. He should be earning that time not demanding it.
    Sorry but I'm going threw it to.

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    my husband walked away and gave up on marriage when our baby was 7 months old, I'm disgusted that he didn't even want to try counselling for the sake of his child. He sees her currently twice a week but its not the same thing as having her dad there all the time, theres a huge difference. Financially it isn't easy and centreline don't help too much financially, I work two days a week and get pretty single parent payment and another payment which i can't think of the name right now a fortnight which just covers my car payment thats it. Re financials get everything done legally! trust me things might be ok for now but they can change quickly also look into getting a parenting plan done then submit to the court so he can't take them out of the country.


 

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