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  1. #1
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    Default sick of the same argument

    Long story short DH and i have had a rough few years...mostly my issues with mental illness.
    The last year or so though have been great...or so i thought. Every couple of months or so DH gets into one of his moods and completely dumps on me. He brings up how much i hurt him in the past...for the record i know how much i hurt him and i will never forgive myself for it but i cant keep apologizing for it. I say to him if hes so unhappy then what is he doing here and he says thing like 'i stay for the children...who are the only thing i get joy from in my life'. He constantly says he doesnt get enough sex and he feels like i dont love him.

    He has said in the past that im unattractive (yes ive put on some weight but im working on it) and i dont do enough around the house. When you constantly hear things like this you eventually believe them. It must be my fault hes unhappy cause im a **** wife.

    The thing that gets me is whenever he dumps on me like this its when im actually happy. Ive been happy for a long time now and hes not so maybe i cant make him happy because whenever im happy hes miserable.

    Its just the same old stuff every time.

  2. #2
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    tazz475 is offline Holy banjo, check out boob mountain!
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    That's not fair that he puts you down like that. No one deserves to be made to feel unimportant and to be spoken to like they are not good enough.

    It sounds like your DP has unresolved issues with you that he needs to work through properly instead of you guys spending the rest of your lives with history repeating itself over and over again. Maybe you guys could try marriage counseling?

    Big hugs!
    Last edited by tazz475; 19-11-2014 at 10:06.

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    From memory your hubby work along shifts and you have an injury so aren't working at the moment? Or I have I got you confused with someone else?

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    Sounds to me like you have dealt with the past enough. No need to get into it again.

    Well for starters you have to tell him that those things he says puts you down and makes you feel awful.

    Tell him that if he wants to feel loved and have sex that he has to stop saying things that make you feel ugly and unsexy. Remind him that he wouldn't feel up to it if you said similar things to him about himself.

    You both have to make a pact not to say negative things. And let him know that you get the message that he is feeling unloved, and reassure him that you do love him.

    It's great you feel happy. Since the problem is now with him, you should make a conscious effort to pay him attention and make him feel loved - touch him on the arm, hug him, say nice things like you appreciate him making you a coffee or he looks great in those jeans. It may make you want to grit your teeth since he is the one acting juvenile at the moment, but it will do wonders and make him feel a lot more positive. You'll have to do it for a while but you should see change in him really quickly. He should then hopefully make an effort to be more positive.

    My husband and I end up in this corner occasionally - it's just life, it's hard to deal with your own issues AND not inflict it on your partner. It's just important to pull each other up on it before resentment builds.

    His weight comment is not on BTW, unless he is actually concerned with your health. Both of your bodies are going to change a lot over time! You should support each other to stay healthy or to compliment each other's bodies, but that's it.

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    No matter what shape you are, no matter how you feel about yourself, are absolutely beautiful. You brought these miraculous joys into his life, and it takes a lot of strength and energy to raise them.

    For me, I am blatant with my DP. I would state that if he did want s*x, then to stop complaining and support me, as I do him. Love goes both ways, he shouldn't be expecting more than he's willing to give.

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    He's not very clever, is he?! What woman wants to sleep with a man who has called her unattractive??! Poo to him! You don't deserve his outbursts, it sounds like he's attempting to sabotage your happiness x

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    It's HIS issues not yours so don't take it on board.

    Practise Being kind and forgiving to yourself and each other.

    Let the past go, don't think about the future. Live in the present💕

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    So i just cant get my head around it...He says these really nasty things to me when he gets in a mood then a few hours later hes pawing at me for s3x. I just dont get it. Am i just meant to take these nasty comments and then give him s3x.

    Saying things like i dont bring him any joy, im lazy, unattractive, a bad mother, fat then next minute im expected to put out.

    I dont think he realizes how much these comments hurt. How does he expect me to want to have s3x with someone who thinks these things about me.

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    I can't get my head around it either, there'd be no way I'd be feeling the mojo for someone who says nasty things like that.

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    First of all, I'm sorry for what you are going through.

    It sounds like there are a few issues from both ends that need to be dealt with.

    First off, your husband's resentment. What he's doing isn't okay. I can understand anger, hurt, frustration, etc, because of whatever happened when you reached your lowest, but there has to be a point where a person needs to let go of that in order to move on from the past. He's allowed to feel the way he feels, but he needs to learn how to cope in healthier ways and he needs to learn how he can get passed it. Whatever happened between you two has to be talked about, preferably with a counsellor so they can mediate.

    If he cares so much about his kids that he can't exit an unhappy situation, he should care enough about his kids to put effort into his marriage. You can't have one without the other and expect it not to affect the children. I honestly think his reasons for staying go deeper than that and the things he says to you is him trying to blow off steam. The thing is, the way he's doing it is not beneficial to anyone.

    As for the sex, I think it's a mixture of anger and desire. He wants to hurt your feelings by using sex against you. But then he does want to have sex with you. All that crap about him thinking this and that bad thing about you or the way you look is just him wanting you to be as hurt as he is. Maybe a part of him thinks you don't deserve to be happy while he is miserable. It's a really destructive cycle, possibly bordering on emotional abuse.

    If he's not willing to genuinely work on your relationship and can't accept the past, it'll never work. Marriage counselling would be your best option.


 

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