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  1. #741
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kelly70 View Post
    Ah forgot to mention that I had to let the guy with the vasectomy go in the end, it was playing on my mind too much. Seemed like a big risk to take with someone. So no restrictions there.

    How does one go about writing something up regarding parental rights etc?? this guy is very laid back and has already said he doesn't want anything too formal or lawyers etc

    I wouldn't want child support out of him, unless he wanted to contribute down the track. I know he's not in a financial position atm to support a child. And I think id like the child to know his/her dad and have some kind of relationship but how does one define that on paper? Won't the relationship evolve over time potentially? Ugh could be more complicated than if I do all myself.
    I think you could probably write it yourself, just so as it's a vehicle to clarify what you both expect - maybe ask in the same sex ttc for some tips (I think there are a few lesbian couples that go down the turkey baster route) and then if you start trying and conceive then you may want to legalise it with a shared parenting / custody type agreement (which the single parent threads might help you with).

    No need to see lawyers up front would be my guess in case it doesn't work but if you've both got a clear idea then that's a good basis if you do conceive

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    BlondeinBrisvegas  (14-05-2015),Kelly70  (14-05-2015)

  3. #742
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    Congratulations Sue, I'll be following you every step of the way. Hoping you have a sticky one.

    Kelly, wow this would be way cheaper that iui's. You may even have fun? I agree with scuba that you guys might need to jot some things down on paper about how you would like things to proceed, particularly the fact that you don't expect him to pay child support.
    And fingers crossed for your brother.

    Good luck Penny.

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  5. #743
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    @Kelly70 That's a shame about "Vasectomy Guy" Luv, and I'm sorry you had to end it This other offer sounds pretty good but as the other Girls have pointed out, there's a lot to consider, so further talks with this dude would be in order so you can both reach a better understanding of what it is you're both willing to do/not do.

    I seriously would be consulting a Family Law solicitor just for a discussion at this stage to see what the legal ramifications are if you do get Preggo. For eg, if his name's on the birth certificate, what happens in regards to Family tax A/B (if the Gov't don't end up doing away with them) if you don't accept child support from him or say you have a private agreement to Centrelink etc, custody agreements, shared parenting etc, etc.

    Any parenting agreement would have to be drawn up by a Family Law solicitor and taken to court for a judge to rubber stamp it anyway, and IMO, I think it's best to know things in advance before the fact so that everybody knows
    where they stand from the get go IYKWIM?? You could have a draft written up that would only require signatures from you both if you do get Preggo then it could be lodged in court for final approval.

    I'm also wondering if you could get some kind of "home insemination kit" online or something so you don't have to DTD unless you wanted to?? Good suggestion from @ScubaGal to go consult with the same sex lesbian couples in the TTC thread that are doing known donor etc as they might have some idea about it all.

    Or you could go ahead with your IUI plans and if, God forbid, it doesn't work, have this guy as a back up instead?? Or use him as a known donor at the clinic but I know that would cause a time delay while they ran tests on him/sperm sample to make sure he was suitable to use and didn't have an underlying medical conditions etc.

    Am glad to hear your brother is halfway through the treatment Luv, but am sorry that he's been knocked around by it though Am everything and sending prayers to the Universe for him Hoping his test results next Wed come back with good news too!! He's in the best possible hands, so at least that's comforting to know that he's got the best of the best running the show for him
    Last edited by BlondeinBrisvegas; 14-05-2015 at 09:21.

  6. #744
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    @Sue77 Yippee for PUPO!!!!! to you Luv for a sticky BFP!!!!

    You going to POAS or hang out for BT?? Am sending prayers to the Universe for you too Luv C'MON EMBY GROW!!!!

    Hello to all the other Lovelies too..............

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  8. #745
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    @Kelly70 I'm going to play tough love and say no lawyer no go. Worst case scenario - he hooks up with someone down the track and they decide to go for custody. It's worth exploring but he needs to agree to zero parental rights or you are better off sticking with the donor.

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  10. #746
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    Ooo @Jem70 I hadn't thought of that or some of the other stuff the other girls have raised!! That's why I have you clever wonderful chicks to run stuff past first!!! I'll have to talk to him about it. I can phrase it as protection for us both, he doesn't want to be hit up for child support payments down the track either I'm sure.

    In other news we just got a sliver of a lucky break today - my brother went back into hospital as he was still feeling so rough after the spinal chemo but whilst he was there, they gave him the amazing news that there is no cancer in the spinal fluid/brain!!! Yaaaaaaaay!!!

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    BlondeinBrisvegas  (16-05-2015),missybear  (18-05-2015),ScubaGal  (14-05-2015),Skyler  (14-05-2015)

  12. #747
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    Hi Kelly, I was reading along and thought I would mention a few things. My partner and I were considering using a known donor but had a few issues with it, which may also be relevant to your situation.
    There is no legally binding agreement- even if you have something in writing and it is signed, it won't stand up in court if it gets that far. I can be used to show intent, but thats all. Your donor could still seek, and get, custody.
    The other thing to consider- if you are single at the time of conception- the donor will be considered the other parent, adding to their case for custody. There was quite a well publicised case a few years ago where a lesbian and a gay man used the turkey baster method to conceive. As she was single at the time, he is considered the second parent, and I believe has 50% custody after a court case.
    These are all worst case scenarios, but its something to keep in consider in weighing up the decision. Having said that though, the quality of fresh sperm over frozen would be significant.
    ETA: Also, there are lots of women (single/married/in same sex relationships) that *do* use a known donor and it works out fabulously. If you and the guy are on the same page about what it is you're after, then it can definitely work.
    We had a friend who offered, but he wanted to become a Dad- wanted child to attend a certain type of school, during the school holidays child at his place, wouldn't want us to move away from Melbourne etc etc. So for us, that was too much like having three parents rather then two. For us, clinic was easier and we didnt want to insult our friend by using another known donor.
    Last edited by SJ565; 15-05-2015 at 17:35.

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  14. #748
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    Very helpful information Jk565.
    So how are you going with everything? From your siggy I can see you have some frosties. Any plans for transfer? Wishing you good fortune.

  15. #749
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    @Kelly70 my understanding is the same as Jk565's and while it might seem like a good option now I think it's fraught with risk. I thought about a similar arrangement for myself briefly and was advised that any agreements made won't hold up in court, even if you get them done by a lawyer. Unless you go through a fertility clinic he will be recognised as the legal father and have all rights (and obligations) associated with that. Even with a signed agreement between the two of you that he is not required to provide financial support, you could pursue and be awarded chid support from your friend in the future - so it's a risk for him that he may not realise right now. Also as the other girls have said, he may say and believe now that he doesn't want access or much parenting say but circumstances change and he may choose one day to apply for a percentage of custody and have a decent chance of getting it.

    At the end of the day it comes down to how well you know and trust him and how much risk you think is there…

    That's awesome news for your brother. Yay

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  17. #750
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    Given the risks pointed out by penny and jk I think the question then @Kelly70 is whether the risk is significant to you.

    Having a dad in the kids life might be a positive? Depends what you think of the guy. He might also be true to his word and not want to be involved...

    I guess if you go into it with your eyes open and a sense of how you feel about the risks you can weigh up how important they are to you versus the potential improvement in your chances.

    If it was me, I'd roll the dice on both the dude and the IUI and hope that one of them works and worry about the issues later - I think you've said previously that time is the biggest factor and you've got a deadline to stop in mind? That's why if it was me I'd throw the whole kitchen at it and hope for the best.

    There are plenty of kids born of less stable pre-conception discussions than what you've described with this guy, and they work out ok.

    You'll know what to do.

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