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  1. #31
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    I think what we're trying to say is that it's not fair to blame your husband for the way you feel about having another baby. I'm sure it is a difficult thing for you to come to terms with, it's obviously a big part of your life plan that may not happen now. Focusing on coming to terms with that in yourself rather than trying to convince your DH is probably what you need to do.

    Just wanted to add, it's important for your current children that you find a way to accept it. I remember my mother once told me how devastated she was that she didn't have more children (she had 2 and wanted 4) - as a kid I felt really upset that we didn't make her happy.

    Your DH might come around though - if money is an issue you might need to come up with a way of addressing that. Maybe you go back to work part time for 6-12months before having another or agree to go back to work part time after the next one is 1yo. I think that's where your compromise might need to be if he does open up to the idea of having another baby.

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  3. #32
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    We are currently in the opposite situation. My hubby wants a second but I don't. I had a hard pregnancy and a horrible birth. I always wanted 5 kids, as did hubby, but due to the birth I was told that wasn't really realistic. I found it very hard to deal with that sudden 'loss' of future family and we talked about all the things we could do if we just had a little family to help me come to terms with it. I pretty much talked myself into just the one lol. DD completes my family and my heart and I don't think having another, just so she can have a sibling, is something I want to do. My DH keeps bringing up the idea of a second and starting to TTC etc but I'm not ready to talk about it. I don't want a second and I don't see why we should expand our family if we aren't both happy to do so.

    If your hubby did give in and let you have another child I would be worried that he would resent that child, especially if it stretched you financially. You can always increase your family but you can't decrease it if it wasn't working out. I wouldn't give him any kind of ultimatum because to be perfectly honest if my DH said either I have another baby or he leaves then I would let him go. My little family is perfect just the way it is.

    Ultimately we probably will have another in the future but the more he pushes for it the more I feel negatively about it. Give your hubby some space and if you do approach it don't do it emotionally. He's probably feeling quite emotionally blackmailed as it is and this will make him even more against it.

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  5. #33
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    @LaDiDah it's nice to know I'm not alone on this. Our experiences and feelings sound pretty identical!

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  7. #34
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    I'm not sure there is a resolution. You are a mum already so you shouldn't think that 1 more will make you more of a mummy.

  8. #35
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    I think maybe you should go and have some counselling on your own to try and find a way to help yourself sort through this. Your DH has given you 3 beautiful children and I think he probably SERIOUSLY does not want any more.

    I don't think it's selfish that he want's money for drinking and fishing. In all likely-hood, with 3 kids already I'm pretty sure he doesn't spend alot on himself anyway. I'm talking about time and money! And I think it's great that you are a selfless mum, but there is nothing wrong with the man wanting to keep abit of his own identity and I'm thinking that he thinks that 4 will push him over the edge.

    I'm not anti big family at all! If you both agree then awesome. But clearly one in your relationship does not want the 4th. You already have a big family, I think the onus is on you to take charge of your feelings here and not to project them on DH. Counselling is good for that - I speak from experience.

    Good luck!

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  10. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by kw123 View Post
    Yes. I don't see it as anything to "forgive". He hasn't actually done anything wrong - just has different feelings and desires than you.

    I don't want a second and my DH does. It's been so hard for him and of course I have felt bad, but ultimately I need to do what's right for me, our DS and our family unit. And having a second would not be good for us, as it's just something I don't want (and would end up doing vast majority of parenting as he works long hours and we have no family here).

    We have talked through it a lot but I have certainly never begged forgiveness. And he would never leave me for the sake of a hypothetical second child. He loves me and DS more than that.
    Sorry without having read further yet, I do agree with this. While I woul love to have a daughter as well as the son I do have, we've realised that our family unit is quite happy. As it is. X might grow up with two parents focused on him, but he has cousins who will keep him check as siblings would. It's not like we have a single child policy and my child won't have cousins, therefore no aunts nor uncles etc etc.....

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    Quote Originally Posted by BluePixie View Post
    Sorry without having read further yet, I do agree with this. While I woul love to have a daughter as well as the son I do have, we've realised that our family unit is quite happy. As it is. X might grow up with two parents focused on him, but he has cousins who will keep him check as siblings would. It's not like we have a single child policy and my child won't have cousins, therefore no aunts nor uncles etc etc.....
    .

  12. #38
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    Default Could you forgive your husband for refusing you a child?

    I haven't read all of the replies but between my miscarriage and getting pregnant again 15 months later, I resented DH for not wanting to try again straight away. All I wanted was to be pregnant again and he wouldn't try. We almost divorced over it. On top of that, I was quite depressed and wouldn't seek counseling. When I did, that was a big turnaround for us. That being said, this was our first child so it's a bit of a different scenario.

    Short answer from me, though, you would probably end up resenting him over time for not being willing to try for another baby.

  13. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by kw123 View Post
    Yes. I don't see it as anything to "forgive". He hasn't actually done anything wrong - just has different feelings and desires than you.

    I don't want a second and my DH does. It's been so hard for him and of course I have felt bad, but ultimately I need to do what's right for me, our DS and our family unit. And having a second would not be good for us, as it's just something I don't want (and would end up doing vast majority of parenting as he works long hours and we have no family here).

    We have talked through it a lot but I have certainly never begged forgiveness. And he would never leave me for the sake of a hypothetical second child. He loves me and DS more than that.
    This. Not wanting a second child ( at this point in time) doesn't mean I'm "denying" my husband anything, and I certainly don't have anything to feel sorry about.

    It's his choice, and a very complex personal decision.

  14. #40
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    Your husband's reasons for changing his mind are not unreasonable. After our first hubby and I agreed to have either 4 or 5 children. We had our rose coloured glasses on I think because we had no. 2 and decided that was enough. We ended up with three due to a surprise baby but essentially we are too selfish to have a large family, and enjoy having our own hobbies. I would have really struggled if after one DH said no more, because I never wanted an only child and possibly would have left him. However after three I had a brief period where I wanted one more and DH did not and I accepted his decision to have no more and worked through my own feelings. Now the tables have turned and DH mentions another baby from time to time, but he knows I am done and he does not push. Honestly, if he did push it I would get really annoyed with him. It's a life time decision, and a huge one at that.
    I think you need to stop pushing your feelings on to your DH and try and work through your feelings....however, if you want a 4th child so desperately then you need to decide if it's worth ending your marriage for. Your DH has nothing to be sorry for and has every right to say he wants no more children.
    Quote Originally Posted by L0ve3 View Post
    We have 3 kids, so this would be our 4th. He says he thinks if we had another he wouldn't be able to buy beer and go fishing.. I'm not a selfish person, infact he has admitted himself I'm a very selfless mother who would do anything for her kids. I am the primary carer, I work my butt off at home, the house is always immaculate, meals cooked, washing always done. We had agreed on 4 after our 1st, not before we had children. It has only since having the 3rd that he has been like this. We saw a counsellor together regards to it, she made it clear she couldn't make the decision for us but can only help us see each others views. He admitted when seeing her that he could easily give me another child, and that it's not about not wanting another one just worries about money. I know he wants me to just get over it and go off to work in 2016 when our youngest starts Kindy but it's just not going to be like that. At this rate with how my depression is going because of this issue I won't be in any state to work. Being a mum was my only desire in life, I wanted a large family and he knew all this when we got together. I just sort of wonder how he would feel if I said to him no you can't go fishing ever again, that would destroy him.. well the same thing is happening to me because of this. I get flat and upset and he asks me why? It's the same thing every time but he doesn't seem to understand what this means to me. This has been going on for 2.5 years now. I feel like we've gotten nowhere during that time...


 
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