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  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wise Enough View Post
    I think it depends on how many children you have. If it's one and you want a second I would have trouble moving on. If you had 4 and wanted 5 you should move on and accept his decision.


    I agree with this. If it was just one I would be upset. I have 2 now and thankfully dh and I agree we have completed our family. I would not agree to a third and I would feel it unfair to push him for a 3rd if he didn't want any more. Having a child is a huge decision and affects the whole family.

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  3. #22
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    There's lots of great advice here. I just wanted to add that I think it's dangerous to agree on a number of children ahead of time, and to be held to the fact. The truth is before you have children you honestly don't know what it's going to be like when you do. You might have a child with needs that take up a lot of time, or money, or spirit. You might enjoy parenting less than you imagined. Circumstances change and people change and I think that has to be ok. There are other children in the family whose wellbeing needs to be considered.

    I don't think it's the same as reneging on an arrangement to go on holiday together.

    However, if in your heart of hearts you are struggling, then I agree with zombie - it sounds like you have a choice to make.

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  5. #23
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    I would of been very hurt if my husband refused a 2nd child I believe in giving a child a sibling IF you can - even if they do end up having nothing to do with eachother. Anything after. 2 comes down to preference and it does get tricky if you want different things.
    We decided two and the others came with a decision at the time.
    Wishing you all the best and I hope it works out for you.
    Last edited by Mummy5ormore; 06-11-2014 at 08:14.

  6. #24
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    We have 3 kids, so this would be our 4th. He says he thinks if we had another he wouldn't be able to buy beer and go fishing.. I'm not a selfish person, infact he has admitted himself I'm a very selfless mother who would do anything for her kids. I am the primary carer, I work my butt off at home, the house is always immaculate, meals cooked, washing always done. We had agreed on 4 after our 1st, not before we had children. It has only since having the 3rd that he has been like this. We saw a counsellor together regards to it, she made it clear she couldn't make the decision for us but can only help us see each others views. He admitted when seeing her that he could easily give me another child, and that it's not about not wanting another one just worries about money. I know he wants me to just get over it and go off to work in 2016 when our youngest starts Kindy but it's just not going to be like that. At this rate with how my depression is going because of this issue I won't be in any state to work. Being a mum was my only desire in life, I wanted a large family and he knew all this when we got together. I just sort of wonder how he would feel if I said to him no you can't go fishing ever again, that would destroy him.. well the same thing is happening to me because of this. I get flat and upset and he asks me why? It's the same thing every time but he doesn't seem to understand what this means to me. This has been going on for 2.5 years now. I feel like we've gotten nowhere during that time...

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    I wonder if hes saying something similar to his friends...'My wife wants another baby and i dont, i really wish she would stop pushing it and be happy with me and the kids we have. I worry that if she keeps pushing it i will resent her for it because i feel like im not enough for her'.

    Just saying.

    I know DH would have liked another baby but there was no way i would cope. I have mental health issues and while he would like another he knows its not a possibility.

    It works both ways.

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  10. #26
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    People can't help how they feel... this meant everything to me, maybe for some women the amount of kids they have isn't a big issue but for me this was a massive thing. Don't you think if could click my fingers and get over it I would? I'm trying, but this has been devastating for me.

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  12. #27
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    I would be devastated too if I was in your situation. Beer and fishing does not have to change if you have a 4th particularly if you are happy for him to still have his pursuits. It sounds like he's making excuses to be honest.

    I think there's a big difference in this situation when it's the male not wanting to have another baby rather than the mum, given it's the female that has to carry the baby for 9 months and then more often than not be the primary care giver for another 6 months at least. I get that men have an opinion as it's a family decision. I just see how it would be a more difficult decision to accept from the female's point of view.

    ETA I also think the tricky thing for you is you can't leave your marriage just so you can have another baby. That's not a realistic option so you need to find a way through this. Good luck.
    Last edited by Sonja; 06-11-2014 at 09:53.

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  14. #28
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    It's almost an impossible thing to compromise on, if you have another child that's 100% to your outcome and if you don't it's 100% his outcome.

    I'm glad you've seen a counsellor about the issue, not that it's resolved it, but at least you've taken that step and both acknowledged that its a big deal.

    Tbh he must feel very strongly about it (more than just beer and fishing concerns) to be "putting his foot down" so definitely, even after counselling. I wouldn't try to minimise his feelings or perspective in any way.

    You say you've always wanted to be a mother and that its what makes you happy etc. what happens if you do have another and then they become old enough for kindy and school.. What happens then? Would you want another baby? What is special about 4 that would satisfy you more than 3 does?

    Just playing devils advocate not trying to suggest your feelings aren't justified at all.

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  16. #29
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    I honestly don't think it would be fair to 'resent' him, even if he previously wanted children but changed his mind. It is a HUGE thing to affect your happiness and feeling forced to have a child when you don't want one is just as horrible as not being able to have one when you desperately want to.

    He does need to accept, however, that this is a deal breaker for the relationship. If you want children and he doesn't then he has to be prepared to let you go, so that you can live what will be an entirely different life to what he wants.

    If he is not prepared to let you go, then he needs to come to a decision and quick as to whether he would rather have both you and a child, or neither. I have seen plenty of men choose to have a child in that situation but it should be his choice.

    Unfortunately, it is a decision he can't mull over. Clock's ticking. It's not an ultimatum. It's an unfortunate fact of life.

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  18. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by L0ve3 View Post
    People can't help how they feel... this meant everything to me, maybe for some women the amount of kids they have isn't a big issue but for me this was a massive thing. Don't you think if could click my fingers and get over it I would? I'm trying, but this has been devastating for me.
    I know what you mean,
    deep deep inside your heart you long for it like a loss in some silly way. Hugs to you xx


 

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